I’m not sure if this has been discussed here before. If it has please post the link.
My cousins and i have been recently talking about the whole rishta/matchmaking process both in the uS and Pakistan. We all aggree that we dont like the show the girl/ send her picture approach as that seems too superficial and you are literally judging the book by its cover. There is a difference between the standards of desis for good looking and the ability to carry ones self gracefully by dressing and grooming well. Now if the first stage is to see the person and then decide to accept to move on or reject based on the persons looks- that is so wrong! We dont decide what genes we get from our families. We cant be taller or slimmer or more fair cause we dont get to choose that at our conception. So why should we be initially accepted or rejected based on that?
Now on the other hand, at least in our family and friends circle boys and girls socializing to find the right spouse still raises eyebrows. According to the elders, you cant meet an endless array of people (like one on one aka a date) in the hope to find the right one as that is against our culture and religious beliefs. Even if you are not dating, once your name gets associated with another person especially ifyou are a girl and some aunty from the community sees you talking with a man lets say at a cafe even with 50 other people around… you are the black sheep! And no one wants a bahu who has been linked (whether true or through rumour) with another man.
Intercousin and family marriages are getting rare. Our family has more girls than boys and most of the boy cousins have chosen to be married outside the family (which may be good looking at some heriditary problems that arise after two generations of intermarriages). Family friends dont refer prospects the way they used to as there are more girls of marriagable age than prospect boys available so every one is thinkingof their own kids first… So its almost like a competition.
So what happens to people like us? The girls who are educated, from a decent middle class family, know respect and culture, carry our selves nicely but are not * text book desi beauty* … some of us are approaching the dangerous age zone of 25 plus and while i did not make that time line critical it seems that most larkay walay are looking for girls under that age.
So what options do we have? How do we not become a source of tension for our parents? Do we keep parading ourselves in rishta showings or have our pictures sent all over the world for prospect matches? Do we take the risk of opening our heart to a fellow class mate or colleague in the hopes that he would approach the topic of marriage to us?
Suggestions friends- both from girls and guys please.
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
^ not to mention that there are hardly any decent guys around sigh join the club 
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
hmmmm, learn to enjoy free single life ;)
there are many beautifull things apart from men and children, really!
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
find a guy on your own...
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
^
jaisee woah galiyoon main phir rahay hain keah you can find them easily on your own without degrading yourself 
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
^^ actually i find picking one up from a galli degrading.
i also find going all dressed up in front of strangers degrading
i also find having sex with a guy u never ever knew b4 degrading
to each his/her own
but just for clarification sooraj-mukhi...get to know guys who like you for who you are. there are lotsa desi guys that look for not paindoo desi girls but just 'nice' desi women....and dont demand the 'text bookish pretty' either....however they arent the ones getting their rishtas fixed by parents...they are usually looking to get to know the girl first.
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
I am not in favor of those chai parties but we should accept the fact that it is very difficult for desi girl to find a spouce on her own (with all the social setup we are living in).
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
no i dont agree…its hard because society makes it hard for us by terming it shameful to mingle with men.
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
Welcome to the dilemna of the desi single and looking. As far as I can make out my parents' strategy for finding me a wife is to simply sit back an see if a potential comes along into their lap.....
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
wow shweety you sound to be a so brave gal…I don’t have hopes so high up 
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
so you should post their adress over there, some gals may be interested:D
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
why not?
i think u need to make a trip to pakistan…esp karachi lolz…your pathan looks will have karachi guys drooling…
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
ya thats what i mean with the social setup we have it pretty difficult for girls and guys to interact with eachother.
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
Have parents set up time and place.
Send the prospectives to a neutral place (friends house, restuaraunt, wherever) with people of their choice, and see if sparks fly.
I've tried that, went so far as to visit another town to visit a girl. Pretty risky, as we were alone together, but in a public place. We decided to go for a walk, along the way we grabed lunch...talked about this and that...no retarded old-world questions like "what village was your dadda's nanna's pet parrot from?" that parents like asking. Spent a good two hours together, and we asked questions WE wanted to know about each other, and didn't feel silly asking with our parents or any elder around.
In the end, we mutually agreed that there was no...well..sparks...
I was happy that it was mutual, as I would have HATED to have rejected her without her rejecting me, or to have been rejected if I liked her...so the only thing I would suggest is for parents to smarten up and setup a get together with friends and a "new" family...the parents should point out the guy and girl to each other and if they agree on looks...then go for the meet-up.
This whole blunt way of going about it just sucks. Our parents need to learn how to socialize. Acutally, it's their damn duty...instead they're typically lazy and just wait around for a rishta to drop in their lap...usually someone rejected by sombody else...
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
I am so glad I didnt have to go through this :-/
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
i want to elope....
i want the whole world to turn against us.
get married on a hill somewhere just me and him.
and then come back and announce our marriage and be ready to face the consequences.
jee nahi i am not a indian-movie dreamer.....
imagine how much money we would save that way :)
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
I am only replying to this part of your post.
First, I want to tell you clearly, people who treasure education, Character and your inner self will not reject any girl if she is not a “Text book desi beauty”. Yeah, if you do come across people who are like that then I would say, they don’t deserve you. The ducated girls are not inot beauty etc, that is what is least important for them. What the educated girls think of is totally different. The have totally different outlook to life, their priorities are totally different they deal with life in a different way. This is what their treasure is, not if they are beautiful or not.
But is the educated middle class larkis come across people who are not educated and have different priorities in life, obviously, those people will find faults in them. But I want to assure you, it is not that you lack something. It is simply a matter of non-recognition. Those people who do not consider you other than your external beauty, are really not looking at your qualities.
Second, I again assure you there are people out there who are looking for you. There are people aout there who value your character and education more than your looks. Similar to you, they are also few in number. There are boys out there who value such girls. The matter is finding them somehow.
Third, this age thing is a total crap. It is just a curse in our society. I have seen men of 38 getting married to girls of 22 years. It is you who have to save yourselves from this humiliation. You have to stand up fro your rights. I have spoken to many people about this issue. Those who have thought about it, call it a total crap. Those who are just following it as a societal norm have no explaination for that. There is not danger zone of age 25 for girls. It is just a curse of our society that we are follwoing.
No, our parents are in fact the culprits of delaying the marriages for certain reasons. And they are stupid reasons. They should be worrying about their faults not that the age of the girl is getting more and more.
Unfortunaltely what you have described is a sad reality of our society, an excellent example of “Jahalat”. I am not at all shy of admitting that our last generation and the one that migrated from India should be totally exterminated for the sick traditions they adopted and brought to Pakistan…
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
What do you mean educated girls arent into beauty? Girls cant be educated and still into beauty ??? 
R u talking about makeup and clothing and stuff, because whats’ wrong with those , a girl can be educated and pretty 
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
A friend just encouraged me to work more on goals nurtured by my abilities, education, wise judgement and not to worry about qismat. I would say that is a positive start... what about more options to help with this rishta process affecting so many of us?
Re: Finding a spouse/rishta
yaar mujhse behtar kaun janay ga k shaadi karna aaj k zamanay mein kitna mushkil hota hai.par ALLAH sab behter karay ga.wo shayd apne iqbal sahab ne kaha hai k pewasta reh shajar se umeed-e-bahar rakh.to lets hope for the best.INSHA ALLAH sab theek hoga