Something i read in another thread made me thing about this issue.
My parents came from Pak with the main purpose of earning money and sending it home. My father has been doing this for 25 odd years now. My mother also supported my father in this.
I was just wondering what this generation does? is it important to them to support family in Pak? if so, how do wives cope with this? is it something that is ‘allowed’ or with agreement with the wife? or is there tension between the couple as to why he sends money back home?
As times go on, things change…is this something that has changed?
Also, what are peoples thoughts on sending money back?
my husband gives money towards the home (we live in a joint family set up).. my in laws can do wahtever tehy please with it, we give it to them to do whatever they want with it.. its my husband's farz. i as a wife have nevr questioned him about how much he gives or why or why not.. its betwen him and his folks... he takes care of me and our son very well mashallah... i dont feel like mera haq maar rahay hain woh. i think this is the only reason why some wives would oppose their men sending money back home or giving money to their family.. if their needs were not getting fulfilled and al the money was going towards outsiders.
i dont think this is dependant on generations or time and age... its been something men have done in every age and generation adn time...
In the thread above, the husband is burdening his wife to provide luxuries for his family back home.
Absolutely, a couple should provide for their respective parents and siblings (while the siblings are single) and if it means certain sacrifices to their own lifestyle, some sacrifices are acceptable. BUT, the support should not be at the detriment of the couple’s own family and their own future.
I think it is ridiculous to support people back home.. can they not just use the limbs that god have provided them and work? My mom's family calls every month to ask for money. My mom is a single mother and is raising 2 of my younger siblings and planning my shaadi. It is alot to do for one woman and to top it off her siblings from Pakistan keep calling and asking for money. I understand the supporting of your parents... they raised you so it is a way to pay them back and it is the right thing to do. But supporting everyone back home is ridiculous. My mom has 5 siblings, 4 sisters and one brother. My uncle is 38 and 1 aunt is 36 that are not married and do not work. Isn't it the son's ( my uncle's) responsibility to support the family??? Anyways, 2 out of my three other aunts (who are married) keep calling because they are getting their daughters married and want money. Why do you have kids if u can not afford to take care of them??? arghhhhh...
sorry, this sending money home issue is sort of annoying to me. One thing for sure, I would NEVER send money home on a monthly basis for my aunts or uncles!! ya that seems harsh but they need to work just like we do here.
Idk if this is related... but my fiance did not want to get me my own place after marriage because he felt obligated to support his family. He has two other brothers and he is the youngest and he pays for everything at his house right now. But I completely support him in supporting his parents. Maan baap ka bache hi to sahara hote hain lol
However, he has agreed to get me my own place if he can pay for both mortgages. I might also have to work but I do not mind especially because his family is alot more conservative than I am and I think that love grows when you are away. :)
*I think it is ridiculous to support people back home.. can they not just use the limbs that god have provided them and work? *
Agree..
My parents have never really sent money back and don't see it as their job to, they will only give money if there's a specific need (one ex was when my youngest auntie was in hospital and her husband was struggling to pay a large hospital bill - was about £400 each day and this went on for a month and a half till she died).. If they are adults they should be working to support themselves imo and if they can't cos they are poor or didn't go to school they should be given the money to get an education or start a business so they can learn to be self-sufficient and not rely on handouts.. Obviously, if they're handicapped or something that's totally different but generally I don't feel it's right to send money back to family members who can't be bothered to get off their backsides and earn a living for themselves.
In my mum's family 5 out of 6 siblings live abroad but in my dad's family he is the only one.. and even then on principle he refuses to give money unless there's an absolute need.. One of his brothers died a few months back leaving a widow and 21yr-old daughter and the mother would constantly ring up and say they had no money.. there was plenty but she was spending it like water..
There is no harm in providing for those who cannot make their ends meet . I would go out of my way to provide a comfortable life for my parents , siblings , extended family but not for any luxuries though.
Those who look forward to you for providing for their luxurious life are leeches not needy.
There is no harm in providing for those who cannot make their ends meet . I would go out of my way to provide a comfortable life for my parents , siblings , extended family but not for any luxuries though.
Those who look forward to you for providing for their luxurious life are leeches not needy.
I do that and I am proud of it. My wife has NO PROBLEM with it whatsoever (and I am proud of her). In fact sometimes she reminds me during first week of the month to send the money.
Do my parents need it?
No. My father and mother mashallah both retired from good positions and getting a good amount in pension.
Then why do I send it?
This is the LEAST i can do for them for what they have done for me all of their life. Its just a token of appreciation. In ideal situation, I would love to live with them and support them physically and emotionally but something is better than nothing?
So whats the rule of thumb?
If husband is taking good care of wife and kids, wife should not interfere on this issue. If husband is not earning enough to provide good living to wife and kids and still sending money back home (which parents does not NEED) , then there is a problem.
I think it definitely is the son's (n for that matter daughter's) responsibility to support parents and siblings (if they have some problem or are not earning)... The children should be supporting the parents all through their lives financially, physically and emotionally... but then it is the parents responsibility to see if any of their children is burdened more than his capacity and other children are being a burden on one of their children and might be affecting his marital life.. after all, it is in the other childrens' own interest if they become independent and start living their lives with more pride and not just depending on the money being sent by one of their siblings... but the wives should NOT have any objection in husbands supporting his family (especially parents)... if a son sends money to their parents, the money should become the parent's property and they can do whatever they like with the money, even if it means giving it to any of their other children...
I think it is ridiculous to support people back home.. can they not just use the limbs that god have provided them and work? My mom's family calls every month to ask for money. My mom is a single mother and is raising 2 of my younger siblings and planning my shaadi. It is alot to do for one woman and to top it off her siblings from Pakistan keep calling and asking for money. I understand the supporting of your parents... they raised you so it is a way to pay them back and it is the right thing to do. But supporting everyone back home is ridiculous. My mom has 5 siblings, 4 sisters and one brother. My uncle is 38 and 1 aunt is 36 that are not married and do not work. Isn't it the son's ( my uncle's) responsibility to support the family??? Anyways, 2 out of my three other aunts (who are married) keep calling because they are getting their daughters married and want money. Why do you have kids if u can not afford to take care of them??? arghhhhh...
sorry, this sending money home issue is sort of annoying to me.
Idk if this is related... but my fiance did not want to get me my own place after marriage because he felt obligated to support his family. He has two other brothers and he is the youngest and he pays for everything at his house right now. But I completely support him in supporting his parents. Maan baap ka bache hi to sahara hote hain lol
However, he has agreed to get me my own place if he can pay for both mortgages. I might also have to work but I do not mind especially because his family is alot more conservative than I am and I think that love grows when you are away. :)
My mum is a single parent too. BAGARAT (sorry can't spell today) families would burden a single parent for money to marry off THEIR children. Apoligies for being harsh towards your family OP. But my mums brother is exactly the same-he expecte my mum to support him. What the....why should anyone else support you but yourself? Allah gives rizq, not your passport!!!
You hun are right, why have kids if you cannot afford them? Someone should tell your aunts to throw her daughters in a well of water and get it over and done with because once they are married the cycle of begging will continue. They will start calling for money too.
A son has duties towards his parents, and noone should ever stand in the way UNLESS it's taking the biscuit e.g. parents want money to deck out their home in marble whilst their son is working 15 hours a day to pay his mortgage. Marble ain't a requirement for living, however having a safe home, food and bills being paid is.
I may sound harsh, but it gets on my goddamn nerves when people back home feel it's their God given right to be supported by those who have moved away to foreign climates.
My dada (grandad) moved to the UK in 1957-since his move he was been supporting his useless nasty brother in Pak. His useless brother spent his jawani driving a nice car, living it up and spending money sent by my foolish grandad. How did my grandad spend his youth? Working 6 days a week in a factory doing an average of 16-18 hours a day.
As for supporting those with a handicap or other medical issue. I'd send them zikat.
Maybe I'm being harsh if so I don't care the fact is Allah gave us all hands and brains and we are all given opportunities. How we use them is up to us. If we are lazy enough to sit around and wait for handouts it's time someone took that advantage off us.
My mum is a single parent too. BAGARAT (sorry can't spell today) families would burden a single parent for money to marry off THEIR children. Apoligies for being harsh towards your family OP. But my mums brother is exactly the same-he expecte my mum to support him. What the....why should anyone else support you but yourself? Allah gives rizq, not your passport!!!
You hun are right, why have kids if you cannot afford them? Someone should tell your aunts to throw her daughters in a well of water and get it over and done with because once they are married the cycle of begging will continue. They will start calling for money too.
A son has duties towards his parents, and noone should ever stand in the way UNLESS it's taking the biscuit e.g. parents want money to deck out their home in marble whilst their son is working 15 hours a day to pay his mortgage. Marble ain't a requirement for living, however having a safe home, food and bills being paid is.
I may sound harsh, but it gets on my goddamn nerves when people back home feel it's their God given right to be supported by those who have moved away to foreign climates.
My dada (grandad) moved to the UK in 1957-since his move he was been supporting his useless nasty brother in Pak. His useless brother spent his jawani driving a nice car, living it up and spending money sent by my foolish grandad. How did my grandad spend his youth? Working 6 days a week in a factory doing an average of 16-18 hours a day.
As for supporting those with a handicap or other medical issue. I'd send them zikat.
Maybe I'm being harsh if so I don't care the fact is Allah gave us all hands and brains and we are all given opportunities. How we use them is up to us. If we are lazy enough to sit around and wait for handouts it's time someone took that advantage off us.
All this makes me wonder why people living in Pak think that money grows on tree for people living outside Pak? People living abroad have as many problems, they have to work twice as hard to earn their living and face the hardship (different from those of people living in Pak)... but still...
The thread that u are refereing to was about the wrong way of supporting ur family back home. Im not against supporting parents, a guy has financial resposibility towards his parents and the girl has the same kind of responsibilities towards her parents. But there should be a limit to how u support, you cant just neglect ur family here to support ur family there, it should be balanced. And what im totally against is the bit about supporting the married siblings, their husbands, their in laws, their luxuries!! Hell no!
20-30 years ago when my fathers came to Europe, he used to support each and every member of the family and the extended family. The khalas, masis, phupis, their divorced sisters, widows, mama ji's, bhanjay bhanjiyan, cousins.. WTH!! And now 30 years after none of these people, whom my dad supported by working 7 days a week for day and night shift, acknowledge that fact!!!!! This makes my blood boil!!
My husband sends money back home to his parents and I do too (for my parents and siblings) and we will keep sending till we can, even for luxuries until we can afford it.
The thread that u are refereing to was about the wrong way of supporting ur family back home. Im not against supporting parents, a guy has financial resposibility towards his parents and the girl has the same kind of responsibilities towards her parents. But there should be a limit to how u support, you cant just neglect ur family here to support ur family there, it should be balanced. And what im totally against is the bit about supporting the married siblings, their husbands, their in laws, their luxuries!! Hell no!
20-30 years ago when my fathers came to Europe, he used to support each and every member of the family and the extended family. The khalas, masis, phupis, their divorced sisters, widows, mama ji's, bhanjay bhanjiyan, cousins.. WTH!! And now 30 years after none of these people, whom my dad supported by working 7 days a week for day and night shift, acknowledge that fact!!!!! This makes my blood boil!!
So yes do support BUT not blindly!
Your poor dad like my grandad didn't do himself any favours.
I understand there will always remain pressure to support widows and divorcee sisters-as far as I'm concerned if they were able to marry once they are able to marry again. Noone should be burdened with siblings, aunts and so on. Remarriage, have a family of your own and get on with things.
But nephews and uncles?! I'm sorry but don't they have hands too?! Shame on them for accepting the financial help. Unless they are of course or something of a similar nature that would justify taking help off another family member who has no responsible towards your financial situation.
Noone seems to acknowledge things because they see it as their God given right. I see it as laziness-the only ones with a right would be parents but luxuries is pushing it esp if they are in a comfortable position whereas their children abroad are not.
I understand there will always remain pressure to support widows and divorcee sisters-as far as I'm concerned if they were able to marry once they are able to marry again. Noone should be burdened with siblings, aunts and so on. Remarriage, have a family of your own and get on with things..
I agree with most of your points but that's kinda messed up.
I think supporting parents is a very good thing and sending pocket money to unmarried siblings also seems ok if you can afford to.
Helping relatives should be ok too as Islam also teaches to help relatives and give them zakat if they are poor and deserve it.
But if the relatives or siblings (married or single) are using it for luxuries, I would rather that money helped someone else in need even if not a relative.
There are so many poor families back home who try hard to make ends meet and what with all the gas and food prices going sky high in Pakistan.
I think may be the siblings and relatives can live without a new cell phone or laptop or a video game.
I have seen families where parents would let their children go to their well off aunts/uncles or the ones settled abroad and ask for stuff/presents.
What does that teaches a child !!!! That they can get whatever they want, be it from parents or uncles/aunts ... they do not have to live within their means.
If you can afford, give to your parents and whoever you want to but also keep in mind all those orphans and kids on streets ... may be your money can help them get off the streets.
Its heart breaking to see all those small kids picking up trash in winter and that too bare feet and wearing rags for sweaters.