I was just wondering what this generation does? is it important to them to support family in Pak? if so, how do wives cope with this?
as long as mom and dad in Pakistan are not driving latest Toyota while wife in USA is cutting coupons to save 50 cents on a bag of rice, its ok to support parents. Point is that there should be a balance in lifestyle of wife in USA and Parents in Pakistan.
I've seen guys who build a brand new house for their parents in Pak while wife with 2 kids is living in a single bedroom, 600 Sq feet apt in USA
I agree with most of your points but that's kinda messed up.
Sara, I'm not saying force them into remarrying, not at all. What I'm on about is (and I have a close family member who sadly went through it until she left home and noone now knows where she is) when some families say 'we can afford to keep our daughter/sister kismet gave her a husband and took him off her she cannot remarry, because we can afford to keep her because her brother is abroad'. There exact words were (translated into english as my urdu english is very poor) 'your brother sends us 50,000 Rupees a month now, we'll let him know he needs to send 60,000 from now on because you will not be remarrying, he can afford to keep you'.
No, that's out of order. Noone can expect a brother, cousin etc to take on the responsibility of another person especially if they are being backed into a corner and made to take a decision they are only doing for financial reasons. Even if the brother at the time says oh, I'll support her, how long will the support carry on for?
I'm saying this from the point of view of being there and witnessing it, I too had family who said to my mum, don't remarry we can afford to keep you blah blah blah it doesn't work like that. That person becomes a burden for no reason but the fact there family says they can afford to keep them.
I hope that makes it clear, these are my opinions and yours are of course yours. I'm not in favour of forcing people to remarry, if they are happy being a divorcee/widow and not remarrying good on them. But they should think about where there financial support will come from.
as long as mom and dad in Pakistan are not driving latest Toyota while wife in USA is cutting coupons to save 50 cents on a bag of rice, its ok to support parents. Point is that there should be a balance in lifestyle of wife in USA and Parents in Pakistan.
I've seen guys who build a brand new house for their parents in Pak while wife with 2 kids is living in a single bedroom, 600 Sq feet apt in USA
as long as mom and dad in Pakistan are not driving latest Toyota while wife in USA is cutting coupons to save 50 cents on a bag of rice, its ok to support parents. Point is that there should be a balance in lifestyle of wife in USA and Parents in Pakistan.
I've seen guys who build a brand new house for their parents in Pak while wife with 2 kids is living in a single bedroom, 600 Sq feet apt in USA
as long as mom and dad in Pakistan are not driving latest Toyota while wife in USA is cutting coupons to save 50 cents on a bag of rice, its ok to support parents. Point is that there should be a balance in lifestyle of wife in USA and Parents in Pakistan.
I've seen guys who build a brand new house for their parents in Pak while wife with 2 kids is living in a single bedroom, 600 Sq feet apt in USA
as long as mom and dad in Pakistan are not driving latest Toyota while wife in USA is cutting coupons to save 50 cents on a bag of rice, its ok to support parents. Point is that there should be a balance in lifestyle of wife in USA and Parents in Pakistan.
I've seen guys who build a brand new house for their parents in Pak while wife with 2 kids is living in a single bedroom, 600 Sq feet apt in USA
well something that comes to my mind, i'm sure of all these situations there has to be a few wives who are okay with living like that?
And if someone is okay with it, does it necessarily make it wrong?
well something that comes to my mind, i'm sure of all these situations there has to be a few wives who are okay with living like that?
And if someone is okay with it, does it necessarily make it wrong?
if Parents of the guy are expecting a luxurious lifestyle (or knowingly living a better lifestyle) than wife of that guy, off the guy's income, then there is something fundamentally wrong with this picture.
Even if wife is numb enough to be happy, keeping the balance is guy's responsibilty. Its like saying that if my wife is happy with me drinking alcohol, its ok for me to keep drinking it.
My mum is a single parent too. BAGARAT (sorry can't spell today) families would burden a single parent for money to marry off THEIR children. Apoligies for being harsh towards your family OP. But my mums brother is exactly the same-he expecte my mum to support him. What the....why should anyone else support you but yourself? Allah gives rizq, not your passport!!!
You hun are right, why have kids if you cannot afford them? Someone should tell your aunts to throw her daughters in a well of water and get it over and done with because once they are married the cycle of begging will continue. They will start calling for money too.
A son has duties towards his parents, and noone should ever stand in the way UNLESS it's taking the biscuit e.g. parents want money to deck out their home in marble whilst their son is working 15 hours a day to pay his mortgage. Marble ain't a requirement for living, however having a safe home, food and bills being paid is.
I may sound harsh, but it gets on my goddamn nerves when people back home feel it's their God given right to be supported by those who have moved away to foreign climates.
My dada (grandad) moved to the UK in 1957-since his move he was been supporting his useless nasty brother in Pak. His useless brother spent his jawani driving a nice car, living it up and spending money sent by my foolish grandad. How did my grandad spend his youth? Working 6 days a week in a factory doing an average of 16-18 hours a day.
As for supporting those with a handicap or other medical issue. I'd send them zikat.
Maybe I'm being harsh if so I don't care the fact is Allah gave us all hands and brains and we are all given opportunities. How we use them is up to us. If we are lazy enough to sit around and wait for handouts it's time someone took that advantage off us.
awww.. yaa u r absolutely right.
You are not being harsh.. its the truth..
ppl back home think tht we just sit at home and get money for free.. they dont realize tht we work our a** off to earn that money!
My parents have been divorced for a long time, but my dad was recently going back to paki and he asked me and my little 13 year old brother to send him money... I was like what the,... he never supported us and expects us to send him money and especially my lil brother???? arghh
this whole sending money back home thing is annoying!!!
I tell my mom to not send money to her family but they use guilt trips on her and convince her. Then she comes and whines about it., I told her... If u will send the money then dont complain because it is ur own fault.. ur enabling them!
awww.. yaa u r absolutely right.
You are not being harsh.. its the truth..
ppl back home think tht we just sit at home and get money for free.. they dont realize tht we work our a** off to earn that money!
My parents have been divorced for a long time, but my dad was recently going back to paki and he asked me and my little 13 year old brother to send him money... I was like what the,... he never supported us and expects us to send him money and especially my lil brother???? arghh
this whole sending money back home thing is annoying!!!
I tell my mom to not send money to her family but they use guilt trips on her and convince her. Then she comes and whines about it., I told her... If u will send the money then dont complain because it is ur own fault.. ur enabling them!
Glad I haven't offended you! Asking children to support you?! That sounds like my biological father-he's erm shall we say not the dad/husband material we'd like to see walking earth.
Guilt trips are horrible. My mums family tries that. I have put my foot down (no I do not control my mother, it's for her own best-she worked hard to bring me up it's my turn to now support her). I've explained to mum that if she supports them financially now the support will always need to remain in place for the next generation too-it's not like she's helping someone who is ill and needs help to get back on their feet. She's helping her sister whose husband flatly refuses to work. He wants the money, but cannot be arsed to work and wanted to go 'abroad'. That wouldn't be an issue, but he has no qualifications, so which country would take him in as a migrant worker?!
I assume your mum had to work as hard as my mum did and noone in her family in Pak supported her financially yet expect to be supported. If your mum was in Pak, a divorcee with children would they expect her to support them? No, so why expect it when their sister is outside the country.
*Yeah but let's say by some weird reason, the wife is happy in this arrangement....does it still make it wrong?
*
questions o questions
Even if the wife/husband is ok with it it's ridiculous encouraging or being ok with the family having that level of dependence imo
If they're able to work or go to college or uni they should be.. not depending on others and living off their handouts.. I would give back to my parents if they were elderly and needed it but other than that if it was another family member I would prob only pay for them to get an education or start a business then it's down to them, helping out is one thing but it shouldn't be a bottomless pit..
I really can't understand how people find it acceptable to ask other family members to fund their lifestyles whilst they sit around on their a*ses, don't they have any self-respect or sense of decency??
My husband sends money to his parents and I have no issues with it, infact I'm proud that he thinks of this as part of his responsibility. He provides a comfortable life for me and Mashallah is good at balancing both.
as long as mom and dad in Pakistan are not driving latest Toyota while wife in USA is cutting coupons to save 50 cents on a bag of rice, its ok to support parents. Point is that there should be a balance in lifestyle of wife in USA and Parents in Pakistan.
I've seen guys who build a brand new house for their parents in Pak while wife with 2 kids is living in a single bedroom, 600 Sq feet apt in USA
definately agree with this....
if people have the means to look after back home then it is their duty...i have seen many people with the opposite of what is considered abouve...living in luxury abroad and family in pakistan not knowing where the next meal is coming from! this disgusts me
But why is it their duty? (Unless they actually enabled the person to move to the UK or US or wherever in the first place)..
Imo if my dad could get off his backside and do something with his life so could his brothers (or sisters) if they wanted to. Unless they genuinely need it and for some reason like illness can’t go uni or work they shouldn’t have the nerve to ask for money (esp on a regular basis).. I know in our culture blood seems to be everything but this behaviour is taking the p*ss..
Giving people money every single month isn’t constructive anyway, what will they do if their meal ticket dies or loses his/her job?
Wouldn’t it be better if they worked towards becoming self-sufficient instead eg. with a loan they could open a shop or use it to get educated or something.. When my dad was there a couple of years back someone actually asked him to pay for his daughter’s wedding.. these idiots didn’t even think ‘if we can’t afford it why don’t we have a more simple wedding instead’
It's not their duty at all. Why don't they work and get jobs like normal people do? I have seen ppl in pakistan get SO lazy when they have sons in US working their butts off. elderly parents are one thing but where the hell do brothers and sisters come off demanding money from their sibling whos richer than them? ridiculous desi mentality
Well you gotta do it, I mean look how expensive things are in Pak, those people living very comfortably there have someone over seas sending them money.
My Uncle is a doctor in Ohio state and sends something like 2-3 lak a month to my Nana and Nani. I mean that is nothing for him, but in Pak you can live lavishly with that much money.
i mean duty as in helping out your brothers and sisters getting on their feet...my dad came from a poor background...he came to england....and he supported back home..was this not his 'duty' maybe it is a 'moral duty' he felt..? it wouldnt make any sense (in my eyes) for him to better himself and leave his brothers sisters and mother in poverty? or is it every man for himself in this world?
Growing up, our parents tried to fulfill every wish of ours (husband had the same experience) and tried to provide us with the best education and all comforts of life (as much as they could).... I wouldn't mind living in a 1-2 bedroom apartment if I could provide a nicely comfortable (or even luxurious) life for my parents and my parents-in-laws, siblings is another matter altogether though.
