ok people.. we all have financial problems, esp. when married. Do you give money to your parents without letting your partner know? Does your partner have any rights in knowing? If you are a man - it’s understood you will give to support your parents. However, if your wife gives money to her parents, what are your views on it?
Re: Finance overload! Tough situation
Wife can and should give money to her parents if she can, why not? Its her money anyway her to manage.
If husband can afford to he should give money to both his and her.
Re: Finance overload! Tough situation
I think this is something that differs from couple to couple.
Re: Finance overload! Tough situation
If it's her earnings, then husband shouldn't have a problem, really. If it's his money, she must ask him. Giving money to her parents without his knowing isn't a good idea, to say the least.
If husband thinks like JL, then it's all good. :D
If he's more stingy, then he'll hate it. My uncle is like that - him and his wife fight over this all the time. She sends money to her parents in Pakistan (they don't have a brother) to help them out, he gets angry. Now she hides it and does it.
Re: Finance overload! Tough situation
If it is her money , she has all the rights. His money is their money and her money is her money. She is free to do whatever she wants to do with it. Now if it is his money and he has given it to her then it becomes her money she can do whatever she wants to do with it. The third option is when they have joint account for the money he makes but the money is always spent with mutual consent then she has to seek his consent. If again they both put their earnings in joint account still they should spend it with mutual consent.
Re: Finance overload! Tough situation
Well, here's the problem. A friend of mine says - her husband thinks that she (her earnings) should not give to her parents - only because her parents have other sons. So it's not the wife's responsibility. However, the wife's argument is - she is just giving "loose" change. Her parents raised her well, and now she has everything and would like to share her "part of responsibility" - not by fully supporting them but simply giving "gift" money. Her hubby does not agree.
I agree with allowing the wife to contribute.
I think this is something that differs from couple to couple.
ehy te bara daawaan dhoaal reply kita tusi, koe clear cut gal karo janaab
Re: Finance overload! Tough situation
I send money to my parents. Wife knows it and she never objected to it.
My wife is currently not working but I encourage her to send some money from her hefty pocket money to her parents too. She don't do it regularly but sometimes she does.
We never discussed this specific topic but I guess we have a silent understanding that there is no problem in sending money to parents as far as its reasonable (specially if they need it) and we have enough resources for our expenses and some savings.
On the other hand I have friend on 2 extreams
Extream 1:
I visited home of my friend (a very good friend who is with me in US) while visting Pakistan and his mom was like "beta aap _____ ko samjhana jub sai shadi hoie hai uss nai eik rupya bhee nahi bhaija hai. Kabhe kabhaar bohat zarorat parh jatee hai"
Extream 2:
Another good friend of mine sends almost 1000$ every month to his parents (at least form last 9 years that i know him). His brothers sisters etc are having blast in Pakistan with the money and he himself dont even save 200-300 bucks a month for family (wife and kids) for emergency needs
Re: Finance overload! Tough situation
when a couple stop with the "his" and "hers" and stop the secrecy stuff, life would be a lot less complicated
if the girls parents have a steady income coming in (with lets say the father working and sons working) i dont see why she needs to contribute.
If they have a loan of their own, bills to pay, and other kharche, maybe she should help out the hubby more.. if she has the money, why not help out her husband? he's just as much of a responsiblity to her than she is to him
if the parents are old, and do not have the means to get kharche.. than yes, the couple should try to help out as much as they can..
Re: Finance overload! Tough situation
I will let her send OUR money to her parents and I will give OUR money to my parents too. Problem solved!
Re: Finance overload! Tough situation
Im not married but I plan on contributing as much as I can to my parents' household expenses. This was one thing I discussed with him very early on and he has no problem with it. My parents dont depend on me but there might come a time when they will...we're four girls and no boys. At that point, Ill be ready.
Well, here's the problem. A friend of mine says - her husband thinks that she (her earnings) should not give to her parents - only because her parents have other sons. So it's not the wife's responsibility. However, the wife's argument is - she is just giving "loose" change. Her parents raised her well, and now she has everything and would like to share her "part of responsibility" - not by fully supporting them but simply giving "gift" money. Her hubby does not agree.
I agree with allowing the wife to contribute.
I asked my masjid's imam about this. I wanted to pay for my parents Hajj last year. They both earn and are still working however they do have debt. But it's something I wanted to do for them.
I asked if I could because I am a girl - the imam said what does it matter if you are a girl or a guy. Quran says to take care of your elderly parents regardless of your gender.
My parents don't need my money but it's nice for me to pitch in espically for the sacrifices that they made for us children.
I just like giving them money from time to time. My husband has no issue. He never asks how much and why and I don't ask him the same about his parents either. We both have a joint account.
Well, here's the problem. A friend of mine says - her husband thinks that she (her earnings) should not give to her parents - only because her parents have other sons. So it's not the wife's responsibility. However, the wife's argument is - she is just giving "loose" change. Her parents raised her well, and now she has everything and would like to share her "part of responsibility" - not by fully supporting them but simply giving "gift" money. Her hubby does not agree.
I agree with allowing the wife to contribute.
Does that husband constantly send alot of money to his family tho? What does he prefer his wife do with her money?
Right now i am not in a position to give my parents money. But one day when I will be, I still can't imagine giving them, but definitely as gifts. Husband gives to his mother and he's never "asked" me nor does it matter to me, she has a right to it to.........
Re: Finance overload! Tough situation
1- Regardless who earns, both need to know where money is going.
2- If her parents need it then she must give money. But with her husband's knowledge and consent.
3- If his parents are in need, she must know if he is giving the money to them. Her consent is also needed.
Point is: When married, its both partners and their children's money first.
That’s really sad. Does the wife complain? Is his family the type that would hold it against him if he stopped sending so much money?
Does that husband constantly send alot of money to his family tho? What does he prefer his wife do with her money?
She suspects he sends it quietly and more often.
I think her suspicious behavior is killing her. May be he is not even sending it as much.
Wife - helps out with some of the things but likes to keep more. She does not believe she should use her money because then the husband will have more saving, and he will be giving that amount to his parents.
Extream 1: I visited home of my friend (a very good friend who is with me in US) while visting Pakistan and his mom was like "beta aap _____ ko samjhana jub sai shadi hoie hai uss nai eik rupya bhee nahi bhaija hai. Kabhe kabhaar bohat zarorat parh jatee hai"
Extream 2: Another good friend of mine sends almost 1000$ every month to his parents (at least form last 9 years that i know him). His brothers sisters etc are having blast in Pakistan with the money and he himself dont even save 200-300 bucks a month for family (wife and kids) for emergency needs
wow- the second situation is simply terrible.
Re: Finance overload! Tough situation
transparency is a key to trust between partners.
Re: Finance overload! Tough situation
This is one of the hugest cultural differences between east and west. I guess it can be attributed to the different financial situations between the two.
In the east, there really isnt the concept of "pension" or social security. So it follows that the children take care of parents when they retire. You also have the extended family system in the east so that households are combined in many cases.
In the west when a parent retires, they typically receive social security and pensions for which they have planned for many years. So that they would never be a financial burden on their children.
Surely, any well-raised child would support a parent in need - whether its the wifes parents or the husbands. But I dont agree with supporting parents "in the style with which they've become accustomed" at the expense of their children - and at the cost of the grandchildren. What I mean here is...its tough to make a living in the west. And I've seen a couple of struggling families send their parents hundreds of dollars each month so that they can live in Pak in comfort, style and luxury...meantime, they cant afford some of the basics for their own families. And when it comes to putting their kids thru college, they'll be in deep doo-doo. Whatever wealth there is should be used wisely, evenly and to the benefit of all so that each is as well cared for as can be afforded.
And to have secrets, financially, between husband and wife is just something that should never happen. Once you marry and esp once the children arrive, there is no more "yours" or "mine", theres only "ours".
^I agree with you Mamaof3. Yes there is a huge cultural difference, and they both have their own hiccups too!
But I dont agree with supporting parents "in the style with which they've become accustomed" at the expense of their children - and at the cost of the grandchildren. What I mean here is...its tough to make a living in the west. And I've seen a couple of struggling families send their parents hundreds of dollars each month so that they can live in Pak in comfort, style and luxury...meantime, they cant afford some of the basics for their own families.
Totally agree! This is where all the family fights begin. I do feel sorry for guys sometimes. Poor them, they get ONE paycheck but have to share it with so many - parents, siblings, wife, kids. Poor guy!! wished he could enjoy his money without having to worry about everyone...