Fighting

Lifestyle Relationships
1

Fighting.

No doubt it’s a part of every single marriage, even (or especially?) the most happiest ones. My question is, how do you all deal wtih it? I want to hear from both husbands and wives. (also, a little bit of tassali that what i am about to describe is normal :smiley: will be appreciated)

Here goes: when my husband is stressed out by something going on, I know that best thing in the situation is to give him some space. Majority o the time I know it has nothing to do with me. I will give hm space, we’ll chat later, things’ll get back to normal and he’ll feel better.

Except it never works that way.

He gets stressed out, gives me atittude, that makes me angry, i nag him, he gets angrier, i nag him more, he does his thing while I sit there fuming and upset and choking with anger/sadness. A bit dramatic i guess, but that’s what it is. If it drags on, he goes on with his day doing what he needs to do, while I can’t eat, concentrate or sleep well.

I am fully aware that I cannot change his way of dealing with stress (which I am not complaining about) and I am not complaining about that but rather I know i can change my reactions. Intellectually I know wat to do, but in that moment, emotion and I guess zidd takes over and I do everything I’m NOT supposed to do. And the fact that I cannot control it, frustrates me. This frustration leads to me being annoyed and not the very nice wife, and it doenst exactly help things. you see the vicious cycle i’m going with here?

Btw, if it matters-- my family used to express anger with yelling, screaming, cursing, nasty words and occasional slaps. Alhumdulillah that’s not teh case anymore but when it was, it was really bad. I know many many times I opened up blog entries/threads venting. :smiley: Husband is total opposite in how he expresses anger (and i like to think i dont vent as much anymore). Here there are two different ways of dealing with anger, and the common denominator (ME) who reacts the same exact way to both. I mean…wat?

2

awww what you're describing is very common among married couples. In fact I think it's one of the biggest complaints they have......women are nurturers so when their husband gets upset or stressed out, they try to reach out and comfort him but he might just withdraw even more. Often men like to deal with their stress on their own, in private. Most men do think that by being too expressive especially about work related stuff, they are exposing themselves and coming across as being too vulnerable. Even when they are stressed out, they want to seem as if they have everything under control.

So don't think it's just you who reaches out when her husband is stressed out. Many women do that and experience the same cycle!

How do I know all this? I read the book Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.....best book ever on this topic! Gives you great insight! Makes you realize that married couples across different cultures are so similar and face such similar problems!!

3

Re: F-word

^ i need to get a hold of that book. So many people have recommended it

Sara, it happens to most couples :hug:

Been there, done that… only thing is i dont sleep until things are sorted out so i keep the hubz up until we discuss it fully. Which is quite bad as well.

What I do is distract myself. If you know it has nothing to do with you then just let him know that things will be ok, Inshallah and if he needs something to let you know. If he wants to talk about it.. let him know but dont push anything. Maybe crack a joke? hehe

if it has something to do with you, let him knwo that you’d like to talk about it so that maybe you can improve on that habbit. If you dont talk about it, how else are you going to fix the issue.

Talking and communicating properly is the best thing.

Most times us wives come across as emotionally charged creatures and when we become like that, it becomes very hard to reason with us. Even if the hubz is saying the right stuff, and we agree they are, we will still argue and get all emotional. Im saying this, cus i can be just like that.

Just take a breather… when ur about to get really upset, go away for about 10 or so min.. even take a shower or have a cup of tea.. things will calm down and you wont be as stressed.

4

Sara
Here is husband's point of view:

You see life is not same as it used to be 20 years ago. It's extremely complicated and hectic. Now man being a bread winner, has to deal with many issues including but limited to: Finances, Job, Mortgage, Car payments, credit card pmts, financially helping parents/siblings etc etc.

Getting frustrated is not abnormal in this environment. The problem starts when wife makes his frustrations seem like it's all about her and instead of supporting, becomes an additional issue for husband.

In your situation, you mentioned yourself that how you deal with it never works and things get worse. Don't you feel the answer to how to deal with it is in your confession ?

The TASSALI
Your post shows how much you love and care for him and I am sure he loves you as much. When you feel bad you vent to someone close to you and who can be closer than wife. You should feel good he comes to you even when he is down.

Your situation is not just yours, every marriage has good years and bad years. Keeping it together during bad years makes this relationships a beautiful commitment...

5

Re: F-word

^ what if u both provide?

lekin, i see ur point. A man truely does worry about the finances and mortgage repayments a lot more than a woman... why, i dont know.

I worry too, but im more of a spreadsheet type person. As long as I have all my calclulations right, I am ok. But the hubz is right.. my spreadsheets are just all assumptions.

Sara, ur a good wife. Just dont beat urself about it too much.

I think RealityCheck had some really good points there

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Re: F-word

Sara ofciurse it's normal for married couples to go through what you are going thru. What I do in situations like that is just give my husband space or if he's yelling cuz he's angry, I let him. I listen to him when he's telling instead of yelling back at him cuz it will complicate things. So after he's done, I just leave and do my own thing and later on he realizes he was wrong to yell and apologizes and at that time I start yelling at him :)

He's told me many times that he loves that about me, that I don't fight with him when he's angry and loves that I'm patient. When people are angry, they rarely understand the other's point of view.

7

Getting frustrated and stressed out is a part of life, I dont have a problem with that and I know the way I act probably adds to his stress...but when that moment comes I quickly fall back into the old mode of doing what I normally do and find it hard to think clearly....

8

Re: Fighting

You know when a puppy gets hit hard, From big WOFFF WOFFFF he goes to little choon muuuunnn muuu

Thats how.

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Re: Fighting

what he hell? lol

10

Re: Fighting

seriously, who can win over women??

no boddy, I mean NO BODY.

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Re: Fighting

In a husband and wife relationship it is normal to have difference of opinion, to disagree and to have a debate over things. It is also normal to be mad with each other and then it is normal to make up.
Fighting is not normal in a healthy relationship. Whoever is telling you that fighting , having shouting matches and being aggressive with each other is normal in a married couples life is giving you wrong message.

12

Re: Fighting

hmmm no, good point though..we just disagree, maybe raise our voices a little bit.. arguments i guess. He calls it arguments, i call it a fight

Board Games!!
13

100% Agreed, it should be only difference of opinion. Period.

But if shouting, cursing.... blah blah is happening. .this is certainly not normal at all.

14

Re: Fighting

I guess it was the wrong choice of words on my part, alhamdulilah its not like that between us.

I know one couple where the wife nags (the way I do) but the husband responds by cursing and screaming, throwing her stuff, even hitting... :(

15

Some very mature married people here, mashAllah. :slight_smile:

sadzzz, yeah definitely read that book - it’s pure goodness.

:omg: :omg:

Timepass - February
16

Sara, men usually like to keep to themselves or be “cold” during the initial phases of their stress. This is the time we need to back off and not say much, in fact keep a steady attitude. It’s really hard and even after so many years of marriage I get anxious and want to know what’s bothering my husband like right then and there. But I think I’ve gotten better over the years knowing that eventually, when he’s up to it, he always shares it with me.

The key is to become “extra” nice when you identify stress in them. What they are showing is not an attitude toward you as such but just the inner turmoil that reflects on their face. So once you understand that, also realize that the faster you detach the sooner they’ll engage.

Yeah it’s easier said than done and I’m so darn good at giving lectures :smack:

17

Re: Fighting

send your stressed husband to anger management classes.

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Stress does not always translate into anger . Stressing out and being angry is normal. Taking your anger out on some one else is not normal that needs anger management.
I am guessing you are not married. Is my guess right ?

Timepass - February
19

Re: Fighting

yaar you right. that makes sence.

but still sent him to anger management anyway yaar

Hello From _______
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Ahhh, if all wives could use this simple yet effective tool.

Rani, you are a good woman...Allah bless you.