Well Shiekh, Having a family full of fertile people does not make one fertile.One can have all sorts of diseaes of female and male reproductive system that can render one infertile at any point in life.
PCG
Interestingly, the issue here is dealing mainly with man's choices.... basically because it is still his, rather than her choice when and who to marry in Pakistan.... yet, when a couple is infertile, male factors account for a lot more than female factors.Impotence is much more common in Pakistan than is accounted for. Female factors are now much more treatable than male factors because of better diagnostic fascilities.... but then that choice is beyond middle class.... treatments are still terribly expensive.
One of my closest friends concieved twins quite soon after her marriage.she had a late miscarriage .... developed an entirely unrelated disease after that and did not concieve for eight years.During that time she was forced by her mother in law to see different peers which she hated so much ... but her husband stood by her and declared that he is quite contended without a child. But she felt incomplete, as if there was always this vaccuum.... and PCG, she is one hell of a complete person... an artist, a designer,quite a role model for house wifes..... well she sought treatment and finally got one.
A senior colleague in my internship days ... a very pretty face... had actually chosen not to get married.She was infertile...!! that was the reason. In a society full of stigmas and labels for women who date men before marriage, what are the odds of finding someone who really loves you for who you are and not for your ability to procreate??? May be she just did not want to subject herself to that kind of undeserved humiliation!!!
So My point is... adoption and other choices comes after marriage. In Pakistan ,if she knows she is infertile .... it can be quite miserable for her!!! So much for knowing your fertility status!!
Gooni advocate of that ‘pretty one’ first you have to prove she really is INFERTILE and not just frigid or lesbian atleast in tendency .
Many a pretty face are
All this crucifixing of her self for the sake of 'zaalim samaaj ’ may be a convenient cover for disinterest in opposite sex & marriage anyway and sympathy of younger admirer like you ,added bonus, basking in sunshine of victimhood .
I am just suggesting… why not …for you as her advocate, who generally are not balanced in opinion anywayze
sure.. i dont find a big deal with marrying an infertile woman.. i guess for people it is important to have their own kids, so a natural 'reaction' does exist if you find out that your spouse isn't fertile. Personally, i'd be a lil disappointed (i guess?) but then, like you said, adopt an orphan.. i mean thats a fairly good alternative.
and all that crap about the in-laws only happens if the guy himself isn't strong enough and is a mamma's boy, respect your parents, sure, and your relatives, but if they start makin life miserable for your wife.. then find a compromise, talk to yer parents.. live away from em, whatever.. stop whining and playing a passive role eh?
i do think that not having your own kid would create a void, but why make someone else's life miserable? instead of whining or being selfish and getting a 2nd wife, why not do a better thing and adopt? i think lots of pakistani guys have trouble 'accepting' stuff.. so they just lay the blame on their wives as its the easy way out.
Interesting point of view… but i am sure she wouldn’t find it amusing since she had a hysteractomy rendering her infertile.Now she is in her early thirties.
“Balanced in openion” as yourself … I’d rather not be. I much prefer to have clear concepts of reality and all its aspects. We are discussing an issue which has its emotional as well as social impacts and which by far is much bigger than is comprehended to be.
So I suggest you don’t pick a fight just for the sake of it.From what i gather from reading you… the troubles would have been better off clad in veils of social illusions and tucked away till they begin to bother you personally…!!!
okay, after reading as many replies as i could i thougt i'd jump in here with my own opinion, i think having a child is something that cannot replaced by anything else, and i think women who have gone through the expirence of childbirth would agree , i mean it is simply something unique, does that mean that if u cannot have children that u should not adopt? NO, look giving birth is one phase of the whole deal, there so much more to it, the first step, their first word, the first time they say mom or dad, passing on your values and morals to them,
i think people in pakistan have a problem with adopting for a few reasons,
no.1 people are obsessed with using their family name as identity, first question youre asked, "whos your father", they tend to associate you with your parents and they literally mean it (blood relation), they tend not to look at the person for who he/she is, but from what family theyve come from
no.2 arranged marriage is exactly what its called, an arrangement, its a contract where your decision to marry is based on family, looks, money etc. and so if a guy sees a girl who cant reproduce shes considered as damaged goods, i mean by this point no feelings have developed, how can we as women expect him to care? lets be honest here, for most men in this country having sons to carry their "family" name is one of the most important goals in life,
no.3 now i dont know how far this is true or not so maybe a fellow member could clarify this but today as i was talking to someone about this topic they mentioned that in islam adoption is not liked because you cannot pass on your inhereitence to the child and plus if you adopt a boy after he reaches the age of puberty the mothers have to do pardha???? now i had never heard of this before so i am not sure how far this is true?
i agree that the decision to marry someone who is infertile is not something to be taken lightly, but i think that if you have a good understanding with your partner and do have true feelings then when most people weigh the decision of choosing between your partner or someone whos capable of reproducing most people would choose a partner who they know will be a good parent and someone they would want to raise their child with over someone who has working ovaries, etc. :)
take care
My stepmother is infertile and even though my father wanted a son, they never adopted or went to a doctor to consider other options, at least not as far as I'm aware. It's always interesting to see my stepmother with kids. She never talks to them. In fact, she's never even held her own sister's daughter.
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I often wondered what sort of a mother I would make because I never really went for kids. But I loved my kids deeply and was deeply involved with them right from the start. And maybe now I am more tolerant to other children but I don't really go mad about them. So I don't think that the reaction to other kids is really important ...
While if you say 'lesbian ..