Hhmm so just a few questions on greeting people of the opposite sex. Ladies how do you greet your male cousins? Do you just say salam or shake hands?
What about other male relatives that are not cousins but perhaps similar age to you?
I am asking because I recently had this discussion with my dd who is 13, basically I have advised her it is not appropriate nor allowed in islam for a non mahram to shake hands with a non mahram female. We have some cousins( they are actually cousins of mine but not first cousins) but closer in age to my kids, all of the, male and they shake hands with my boys i i recently noticed with my dd too. I don’t like this one bit nor does my dh, she doesn’t know how not to do it because they put their hand in front for a handshake. I said to her just say they are non mahram and in islam she can’t shale hands with them. Period! There is no point dilly dallying on this it is better to address the right and wrong and explain.
I have cousins too and my older male cousin places his hand on my head(as elders do in our family) others just say salam, no handshake from males or hugging or touching of any kind.
I know she is only 13 but i do feel it is important to establish the rules before she is an adult and of course married!
So what do you do? What have you advised your kids both male and female? I have grown up boys too and they do not handshake female cousins just salam.
How is putting a hand on the head by a na-mehram any different than shaking someone's hand? If you're going to use the mehram argument, then both are prohibited, no? So unless the man in a mehram - like your father or chacha/mamu or grandfather - neither is permissible, I would think.
If you're uncomfortable with the handshake and are doing it because you want to be fully compliant with Islam, then I would discourage both. I am not a scholar nor do I consider myself learned, but would be curious to know of a reference that states that patting a na-mehram on the head is permitted.
We just wave at each other and go heyyyy.. And that's about it. The older generation is way more touchy feely and they air kiss but us younger lot are way more conservative. I have no idea how that happened. I think it's the guys who got a long lecture at puberty or something because my cousins used to be very violent with each other. It was non-stop wrestling moves and hair pulling and then we all stopped.
Your daughter doesn't want to look like the odd one out. It's really awkward when a guy holds out your hand to you and I've had to shake hands with random guys because it just looks weird but as you get older you start outweighing what's right to what's weird.
i rarely, if not never shake hands with males... however, i started working and some times it is so hard to avoid it. i am in a BIG battle now. i dont know how to to refuse shaking my client's hand without being rude. i never initiate but if one reaches out, i shake their hand. this is a client facing role job so it's tricky.
Op, if you have good rapport/relations with these cousins of yours, then I think maybe forthrightness may be best. You can have your daughter tell her cousins that "Ammi says salam is enough, handshake is more for little kids." Or you can intervene and say that yourself when the kids meet if you think they won't be able to understand the Islamic reasons. Or, if you believe that Islamic explanation is better, then do it yourself. She probably feels shy or hesitant in telling her cousins and that's understandable.
It would probably be more helpful if you asked advice specifically from people who are as conservative as you....because when you put the question out there as openly as you have in this thread...then you have to keep in mind that the viewers and responders will differ in their level of conservativeness and this will yield a variety of responses.
If you and your husband have firmly decided that your kids will not shake hands with non-mehrams, then finding out how "all" the other parents address this issue shouldn't matter....right? You're going to encounter parents for whom shaking hands with non-mehrams is not a big deal. And I think it may lead to feelings of disapproval....and where will that get you? I dunno...maybe I'm wrong...but I wonder if it might be more helpful to seek guidance from the parents who share similar beliefs as you...to narrow it down. Also, as Sehrysh above has said, you have to think about inconsistencies such as the non-mehram uncle who puts his hand on your head...and the non-mehram, older aunti who does the same. Where is the line drawn?
How is putting a hand on the head by a na-mehram any different than shaking someone's hand?
It is different.
Science: There is no nerves in the hair so any one can register it as a touch.
Islam: I think you are right it should be no different then shaking hand and should be avoided.
Culture: It means protection and care from person who put hand on head.
Like one time I visited my friend who had little daughter not even 5, she came to me and offered her hand to shake :) , I ignored and only put hand on her head for like 1/25 of sec.
I feel it is for your of your husband to speak with these male relatives. It is unfair to put your daughter on the spot if she feels uncomfortable saying anything.
So you would be comfortable if the male cousins put their hands on your daughter’s head? How can you say there is no “touching of any kind”? Aren’t the non-mehram male family member physically touching you when they put their hand on your head?
BTW, it doesn’t matter to me what your personal beliefs/values are but as Sehrysh pointed out already, it doesn’t really make sense to use Islam to forbid male cousins from shaking hand but allow them to put their hands on your head. I am far from an expert but from my understanding, both are not permissible. But for your daughter’s sake, since she is only 13 and I’m sure you know how cruel kids can be…make sure she has an answer when her cousins ask her why they can’t shake her hand when other male cousins are allowed to touch you by putting their hand on your head. Make sure your daughter can explain the difference between the two IF she is asked this question.
we shake hands with our cousins who we are closed to and with our friends too. But if you ask from an Islamic point of view then yes shaking hands with na mehrams should be avoided and so is putting na mehram's hand on the head.
I greet my female cousins saying Salam from far. No touching, hugging it is outright weird. But when i am in office or meet female colleagues we do hand-shake professionally that's about it.
Thats why i think we should follow some of their customs