Re: Feeling regretful
me either, havent a walima! that is now 10 years, that im married...
Re: Feeling regretful
Hey hun - first off I think you need to constantly remember that you are a very lucky girl to marry a guy of your choice. :)
I personally agree with RupayHalwa! Organize a mini-mehndi event for you and your girls and be the center of attention. Even if its been over a year since your wedding! Your girlfriends and close female relatives will completely understand. I'm sure most of them are aware that you did not have a proper mehndi. Plus - in my opinion, girls are always looking for opportunities to have a chance to escape the daily grind and get dolled up, have a good time (sing dance eat, etc). Your close girlfriends will probably help organize this I bet if you brought this upto them.
As for the Valima - talk to your hubby. It is very important to have him weigh in on this issue. Tell him the truth though - that it is something that you have been thinking about and you do not want to have regrets about it later in life an that you want his opinion on this. I bet you that he will appreciate getting consulted as opposed to just telling him that you want this to happen. You can bring it up in subtle way though...that you saw someone's Valima pictures and that got you thinking .... then dive into the truth. Also tell him that you found out recently that a Valima is islamically necessary which is why its another reason you are bringing it up. Tell him it is something that does not have to be extravagant...but it is something you consider important.
My mother got married in a way similar to yours. No mehndi, very simple nikkah with only a dinner given to the few guests that attended, and the "valima" consisted of a dinner party my mom had to cook herself once she moved to America. Long story short, my mom's parents thought they had a while to prepare for the wedding, when my dad and his parents suddenly were like no - we want this to happen asap because my dad only got 2 weeks of vacation time until the following year. And thats how it happened. And I think that even though mashAllah my parents have had a long, solid, and wonderful marriage ....the lack of wedding festivities and all the things that come along with it - has been something that my mom has always missed and regretted. She claims that you can never miss something you never had ...but I can tell that she wishes she had those memories. I know this because sometimes she will say that she wishes she had a proper Valima outfit to show my sister and I. Or something similar in that regard.
InshAllah I am getting engaged in about 2 weeks ...and like you it is a love thing. I am overjoyed and think of myself as the luckiest girl. It is easy for me at this point to be like, I have the guy and the other stuff is just extra.. I do not need it. But I do think that as life goes on and time goes on - people do wish that certain memories were made. These events do not even have to be extravagant...but they should exist. It is in our culture, we attend other's events, we see the pictures, and hear the stories... so I think it natural for a girl to miss these things if she never got to experience them.
So I definitely think you should have a post shaadi mehndi (and go all out! and do it the proper way :) ). And consult your hubby about the Valima.
I wish you all the best. I hope this advice helped somewhat!
Re: Feeling regretful
Thank you so much for your post punjabirose, and congtratualtions to you on your upcoming wedding.
I was just talking to my friend now who is getting married next year, and i find it so difficult because all she does is talk about all her plans for the wedding. Im happy for ger but its difficult to talk to her.
I think if i brought this up with my hubby he would say about the cost of it all, as now we are supposed to be saving for a house.
Re: Feeling regretful
^don't you think he would be right? what's more important in the long term?
i've never heard my mum complain about her wedding, even though it was in far from the best circumstances. she's just happy and grateful that she married my dad.
when i was having mine, i was kinda sad that i wasn't having a function in the UK, so i could celebrate properly with my friends and family but at the end of the day, getting married to my husband was so much more important.
everyone's different, i guess i'm more forward thinking. it was previously my own idea to have a reception in the UK later but i've scrapped that in favour of not financially burdening us and going somewhere nice on holiday instead. for me, i think later on in life, i'd much like to remember travels me and my hubby went on than a function that's over in a few hours.
as i said before, i think this forum and now it seems your friend's upcoming wedding is having an impact on you. i'd say ride it through and you'll be fine.
be grateful. i see what's going on around me and i'm even more thankful that i married the person i love and that he's everything i could want in a husband. the people who manage to have it all are very lucky but that's not what's meant for us all.
Re: Feeling regretful
I wouldnt necessarily want something thats really expensive..i was thinking a mehndi in my house. But i think the mehndi idea is totally out of the window as it would look really silly as i have been married for over a year, and im sure people would talk
Re: Feeling regretful
I also think there is a difference between "complaining" about one's wedding and "feeling regretful"/"feeling wistful". Obviously everyone gets married under different circumstances and some have big functions and some have very small. Some people are not that lucky to have all of their luved ones attend since some of us live abroad and yet our relatives are in Pakistan. But MOST people do have the traditional pakistani functions that come along with the event of marriage. It is natural for a girl to atleast want the PURE basics ... mendi, nikkah/barrat reception, valima.
Theirfore, I find it very very normal for you to find it somewhat hard to talk to your friend that is getting married Tammy. And you should discuss the idea of Valima with your hubby. Girl, mashAllah you are lucky you had a love marriage - have no fears! I am sure he will be reasonable, and understanding with you. He obviously really cares for you to go against the usual Yemeny traditions and norms by marrying you :) He considers himself a lucky guy to have you. Mabey after talking to him you will be even less concerned about this whole matter because by discussing the matter, you will gain a better understanding of where HE is coming from if he is not into the idea. But he even might be into it! You will never know unless you ask!
And you totally do not have to make this into a whole huge extravagant affair. My mother never had an engagement either but she is making sue I have this event. I think my mother will probably make sure I experience the basic wedding events. BUT this by no means that anything will be lavish and huge. My engagement will be at my house and other than the two immediate families, only my few closest girlfriends will attend. But as one of my best friends says (whose elder sister JUST got married) ... as long as you yourself feel like the bride...aka hair done, makeup, jewelry, beautiful dress, etc. and there is good food and you have the company of those that luv you most in the world ...... that is ALL one needs to make the day a happy one and memorable. I have to agree with her :) A lot of money does not need to be spent to have a special day.
Lastly, I also think bringing this up to your hubby now will also just make him more understanding in the future in regards to your (future) children's weddings (inshAllah). Especially because of him being of a different culture, this will atleast help bring him in the know that these things are important elements of the culture of his wife and something you value. So even if you guys agree for whatever reason that you can not have a valima or mehndi for yourselves now. Atleast he will be very understanding and receptive when the time comes for your childrens events. And then you can have a blast planning those one day! I say this from personal experience because now that my time has come, my dad is a bit clueless about wedding traditions and such and does not understand why things can not be done in a super simple way like how he and my mom got married.
Re: Feeling regretful
^yea there's a difference but doesn't make it any more valid. feeling regretful that she married the man she loved? she probably could have had an arranged marriage to a pakistani and gotten all the things she now wants and it could also have ended in misery as i am witnessing around me everyday.
she wasn't worried about having any of this at that time, i think that's what's important. it's something that's built up over time. and dare i say it but perhaps coz she has too much time on her hands?
i still think she should do something for her anniversary and a mehndi type function if she wants it.. who cares what people say, they talk about everything.
anyway, we won't agree 100% as we have different opinions. i don't think she should feel wistful and should look to the future instead.
on a related point.. i love how it's always the husband who should be persuaded. rather than the women rein in their ideas. we went from the days of one function, to two, to three and now 5 or 6 is the norm.
Re: Feeling regretful
I do not think she is regretful she married her hubby .... just as my mother is certainly not regretful about marrying my father. And hm ... mabey you should not have said she has too much time on her hands??? My mom has five kids and has a full time job ....i highly doubt she has had too much time on her hands .. but that does not mean she is not wistful about certain things about her wedding.
I am getting engaged to man I luv and as I mentioned earlier..it would be VERY VERY easy for me to be like that is all I want right now. I do not need anything else. But thinking realistically, I can see that mabey in the future I might regret not doing things the traditional way. Some times you get caught up in the moment of things ...Tammy was doing a lot...she arranged the visa and everything herself. I am sure she went through a lot with her family as well. So that makes one put their personal desires on the back burner.. ... so that is why it is better for one to talk to your hubby about things like this. Even if it is later on. Who cares. If anything it just helps strengthen the understanding between the couple! And there is no harm in that! :)
And as I said - even if her husband says no, atleast she will feel more at ease about the whole thing after discussing it with him as opposed to just thinking about it? And it really will help the two of them in the future InshAllah when they have children. He will understand where she is coming from when she is wanting to plan functions for them! From this perspective --> SHE IS LOOKING TO THE FUTURE.
That is my opinion. You are right. We might not agree. It is ok. Don't mind me .. I am a lawyer and I luv to argue. Only natural eh? haha
But I DO agree with you that she should totally have some kind of function. Especially mehndi type function. Close girlfriends and female relatives. People will always talk ..who cares. Her luved ones will be happy for her and ALSO be happy for an excuse to have fun :)
I do not think it is always the husband that needs to be persuaded. You are generalizing too much. I mean... how many stories have you heard about the guy's family going overboard or wanting too much? Or wanting to do too much? That would be my own personal situation right now actually. haha.
I think it is culture that promulgates the ideas. Every culture has their own rasmay's and traditions. Even within Pakistan, punjabi's have their own thing going on, people that immigrated to karachi from india have their own traditions, pathans have their own, etc. Then the country where you live in has their own if you live abroad. If you marry someone who is from a different country, they have their own. So it is a matter of understanding and compromising. Because obviously you can do it all .... But i do think understanding is the first step. Which can not be done without sharing feelings and talking about it. Compromise comes later.
I think it has gone overboard with number of functions we do (my future sister-in-law is going to have EIGHT functions...and i think she is crazy. She is doing pakistan things, american things.. It is a bit nuts to me).
But Tammy only wishes she had experienced 2 of the basics..mehndi and valima. And that is why I think that is normal.
Re: Feeling regretful
- I meant that obviously one can NOT partake in all the traditions so that is why understanding is the first step.
Sorry! :)
Re: Feeling regretful
No wedding goes by perfectly. Everyone regrets certain things afterwards. I hear so many brides complaining about the outfit , or sometimes the makeup wasn't nice, or the venue wasn't good enough, waitors were rude, many guests didn't show up, or shhowed up too late, or dinner was served late. the list goes on... Theres just SO MUCH that goes wrong in weddings and quite frankly the more events you have, the more difficult it is to manage everything. Thats why im not even having a proper mehndi.
Trust me it's not the wedding thats important, it's the marriage.
Re: Feeling regretful
in wedding, islamically, ONLY nikaah is a MUST. valime is a sunna and an important one. one must have it within 2 days of the consummation of the marriage.