Feeling low

Lifestyle Relationships
, , , ,
1

I know this will sound dramatic to some but for the past few months I’ve been feeling so down due to rejected rishtas. It’s literally affecting my self confidence. I know I’m not pretty but my personality should count for something. My faith in Allah is great but sometimes I can’t help but feel upset with this whole process. I’ve been a good Muslim my entire life never drinked, smoked or had a boyfriend and yet getting told no to is hurting me more and more. I’m approaching 30 and never had a guy even show interest as more than a friend. I wish people would look past looks. If anyone has any ideas of duas to read or anything it would be of much help.

2

Re: Feeling low

hugs for u. been there done that. it's not u, it's our desi rishta process. even the girls who you think are pretty go through the same pain of rejection. just know you are not being rejected because of your looks, you are being rejected because of our desi mentality. I m sure you are very pretty.

good luck. just keep praying to ALLAH SWT.

3

Re: Feeling low

It's Ramadan , make loads of duas for a good spouse esp in Tahajud and before breaking fast.

I agree with Chaachi that even very good looking girls have to go through this, in my opinion it's beyond looks people's mind are very twisted and many factors are considered & not just looks ! And people don't always give the genuine reason for rejection....the easiest one is "istakhara theek nahi aya "or they blame it on looks.

I know it's hard to go through rejection phase, I pray that you find a suitable spouse soon ameen.

4

Re: Feeling low

I know someone who got engaged in 33+ and she is pretty, she has many deal breakers and she didnt compromise on these even when she was getting old and her younger sister got married a lot earlier than her. Whoever is written for you will come along, if its getting delayed then just think ALLAH has someone special for you.
Have faith. Expect good from ALLAH and good will happen for you. Insha ALLAH

Try to involve yourself in other activities, like educate poor orphans who can't afford education otherwise. Don't sulk thinking about this.

5

Re: Feeling low

Dont depair. I have a friend in her early 30s. Even if she gets any rishta now, they are more interested in her job and salary than her. Its difficult to find a suitable rishta when she says she wont work after getting married. She wants to get married to someone who likes her for herself not for her salary.

What do you think people? Is she right by saying she wont work after getting married? About 90% people dont respond after knowing they are not going to get a working wife/bahu!

She says its better to be single than ending up unhappy after marriage.

6

Re: Feeling low

First of all thank you for your replies. I've gotten some wonderful private messages too and will definitely answer them back ASAP.
As to the above question....how much you emphasize or prioritize marriage varies by person. Yes it is true that most people look at looks, education and occupation and in today's world unless the guy is well off or absolutely set on being the primary source of income, it's the general rule for women and men to both we working and maintain a certain lifestyle. Let's face it we are a spoiled generation! I cannot expect my husband to pay for the extra luxuries I buy (maybe only once in a while)...hence women work in order to be able to use their money to do things or buy things they wouldn't otherwise be able to do. Which is fine to each their own. Her not wanting to work post marriage is totally fine and she has the right to make that choice. I just don't think we as humans are meant to live our lives alone. I know some people do and are okay with it but it's our nature to crave a companion and the home stability. Our checklist though has gotten too long and we are setting ourselves up to run into obstacles before we can even get past the Biodata procedure. Honestly just finding a shareef partner is difficult enough so throw everything else in and it feels like you're running in circles!

7

Re: Feeling low

Thanks for the reply. That's true. She does want to get married but to the person who knows his responsibility to be the primary breadwinner.
She had broken her previous engagement because the guy's entire family was mainly looking at her to be the main income provider.
I wonder why is life so complicated for some people unlike others who get the basic things in life so easily.

8

Re: Feeling low

If she says straight up she won't work after marriage but expects all the benefits (ie if she lives in the West perhaps half the share of the house etc) I would personally think that's a little off.. If you're in a position where you can contribute you should imo.. I agree with your last line but then she should wait for a guy who is happy to pay for everything.. Some of the more traditional or religious guys are fine or even prefer this but she'll likely get less in the way of security not working and having to depend on him.. Could you not say she marrying him for his salary or to be looked after if she is refusing to work lol

There's no need to be going to extremes where a family expects the bride to be the main breadwinner.. is it that difficult to find a happy medium?

9

Re: Feeling low

Chaiwali, looks are so subjective, I know it's easier said than done but remember what is attractive to one person is often not to someone else.. I'm sure the right guy is out there for you and definitely worth the wait xx

10

Re: Feeling low

Sadly there do exist people who look for high
earning wives n bahus in the East.
So what would you suggest about how to analyze if the main objective of the rishta is not her income?

11

Re: Feeling low

Just marry someone who is comfortable and earning so they aren't financially dependent on the other partner..

12

Re: Feeling low

Chaiwali, trust Allah .
I have also been a victim of this rishta process, despite highly educated, young age, good salary, etc I was rejected many many times even by the women who themselves were so ugly and uneducated. I spent almost three years of my life almost crying hidenely . each time I was rejected by saying Larki saanwali hai , hmein zara gori larki chaye. OR hmein Zara rich log chaye ye log kuch ghreeb hein. Even. When I got married my MIL, BIL, even husband were interested in my salary. And it was said a few times by my MIL LARKI k munh p toh koi rang roop e nahi. Hmmm sadly after 3 years of marriage I m being tolerated in this house just due to my salary not due to me and I have been threatened many times to go back to ur parents home if I don't want to earn, at the same times MANY MANY times I have been reminded here about my saaanwla face, hands and foot
When I look back , I think life was much better before marriage . well I just want to say BE HOPEFUL AND DONT GET INTO RUSH MAY ALLAH help u amen
P.S.. we can't change Pakistani mentality
Try to improve ur dressing, hairstyle . unfortunately these days simplicity is of no value

13

Re: Feeling low

Being a guy, I can say the same ... been rejected almost all the time albeit online

14

Re: Feeling low

Hope things get better for you HSN05
And that your inlaws get some aqal that money is not everything in this world. They should depend on their son and not you for the finances.

15

Re: Feeling low

My sincere & unsolicited advise to you is that no matter what happens don't leave your job and work your ways towards more success. It's extremely cruel to tell someone about her looks in negative way, leave this to Allah because ultimately they are criticizing his creation.

Just try to stay sane and work hard , it's your & your kids ultimate security.

Hugs !

16

Re: Feeling low

Thanks diamond and Nat's
Well, GS is the only place where I can talk and share my thoughts openly . feel good to be part of this forum
I wish people start thinking beyond looks especially in a child case. Unfortunately (what else can I say after seeing my MIL reaction ) my daughter is ditto copy of me, my complexion and my features. May be u people won't beleive but its true that her grandmother does not like or pamper her the way she does her other grand children who r quite GORAY than my daughter
Slowly this complexion complex has started lowering down my inner confidence and self esteem , I literally can't tolerate when someone criticizingly looks at my daughter
Sigh!
Well, chaiwali I would advise you to not get worried over this rishtas matter. IA Allah will bestow u

17

Re: Feeling low

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger :D

18

Re: Feeling low

..

19

Re: Feeling low

Why would it sound dramatic OP? This is the situation with almost 50% (maybe even more) of educated, working girls (mainly in their 30's) both in the East and the West!
I don't understand it and more so I dont like it! However, just remember one thing "Your present situation is not your final destination". So be hopeful and remind yourself every now and then that despondency is sin. I know its easier said than done, but we all need to remind ourselves of the good that is yet to come : )

20

Re: Feeling low

Well, I don't know if she's right or wrong, but if the rishta is following islamic principals he should focus more on her deen than her job.
Not to mention it's up to the guy to be the bread winner islamically, whatever the girl makes in her job is her choice. I think if anything, the guys should just focus on, in case he/she loses his job or dies that the mom can make money and be able to support the kids. If she doesn't want to work its her prerogative. But, usually guys like these are out of the market really fast and even if they are still in, the are probably going to be marrying younger.

But their are guys out there who are willing to be the bread winners/make alot of money and don't really care for the girls income, unfortunately their priorities are more that she can cook/clean and take care of the children and be smoking hot.

So I think your friend is out of luck if you look at the percentages.
The guy's she getting now are those who value money/looks and obviously the marriage market is not on her side, sure their is probably 1% still out their and she's waiting for that 1%, but not sure if she's find him.