feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

I agree that when ur time comes no one can stop it.

But have to agree that it's much safer to live in UK than Pak or even US.

If u know u r in danger u will do anything to keep yourself safe. It's like saying u will drive at dangerously high speed or walk through and unsafe area because what will happen will happen. Don't agree, u need to keep ur self safe. Why do we send our kids to the best schools? Why do we not let our kids out to play like we used to, it's for their own safety.

So if nadz has the means to move then why not?

22

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

How about you home school your children for an year or so? Presumably, they are very young and have just started learning the basics. It shouldn't be a problem to find an excellent tutor or multiple tutors for them. It's a viable middle option, after all.

I don't know exactly what makes you think that quality of life in UK would be so great for you and your husband, given the accounts from your previous UK based threads. What are the chances of you securing a decent enough employment in UK considering you've been out of work for so long? Have you started looking for jobs? You do know that you need to earn a certain amount of salary and show an employment record of certain years before you could even attempt putting documents together for your husband's sponsorship, and even that process itself can take a very long time. There is no guarantee that your husband will find a respectable job once he comes back to the UK, and unfortunately that's the main reason why you initially had to move back to Pakistan. So you decide whether you want to be in the same situation again.

You also need to decide whether you want to stay together as a family, and go through all the trials and troubles as a unit, or you are happy to be in constant state of emotional instability and anxiety and feel a sense of deprivation by keeping yourself away from your husband and children away from their father for number of years. Neither he'll be in peace in Pakistan, nor your life will be any easier in the UK.

I just want you to be aware that going back to UK and being on benefits won't solve anything, I hope you are prepared to work extremely hard - might have to hold two jobs if need be - to raise a certain income and meet the expenses. A lot has changed at benefits, employment and immigration front in Britain. So think hard about your decisions, make a smart choice, explore as many options as you possibly can. Give yourself a little break from thinking that you can leave your husband, and run back to mummy and daddy in UK whenever the going gets tough.

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Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

I really don't believe its years before spouse gets visa. And we have children.together surely that counts as opposed to newly weds where one spouse is outside the eea

24

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

Jolie I have other issues here . My in laws etc. Security of my kids is paramount hence the push to move back. But there are other reasons which makes me want to move back.

25

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

You have issues here, and you will issues in UK as well. You are a married woman with two kids, don't think life in mummy daddy's house can be same as when you were a teenager. Are you willing to do dead end jobs to meet the expenses and be able to earn a certain income? Have you explored the economic realities of Britain, in particular, London? Who's going look after your children and how adequately, when you'll be in full time job and they won't have their father by their side either? You are really fooling yourself if you think you will go back to UK, and live comfortably on benefits, and be able to create some dodgy paperwork to sponsor your husband. A lot has changed here, and for better.

Somehow you are still struggling to get over feeling like a homesick teenager. You have the option of getting your 2 and 4 year old homeschooled for a while, and see how it goes, before opting for a traumatic departure. You have options available. Stop treating this knee jerk hip hopping between two different continents as child's play. You married a Pakistani guy thinking that you will have your way, you will forever live in the UK and he will somehow forget about Pakistan and his parents. Things didn't work out as you had imagined, and your ego is still isn't recovering from this personal defeat of some sort. You are still fighting to have that particular 'your way' in life. Honestly, time to stop deluding yourself with any feel good fantasies and perfect plans that only seem to work in your head, and think practical for once. You know what is the gist of your post? My husband is extremely sad, he'll miss his children, we'll miss him...but oh well, I'm going to UK. So yayy me.

So really, the point is that think smart and explore your options with open mind.

26

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

I don't want to live in Pakistan at all. Not in Peshawar anyway. And my husband won't move to another city he said its either uk orhere.

So.I'll.have to.make the effort.

27

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

Best two posts, eye opening 'real' advice as to how it can be back in the UK.

28

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

The OP should start packing now, and move before someone changes their mind.

While OP goes to the UK, and husband remains behind in Pakistan. OP will be worrying about husband who is back in Pakistan, with his parents , especially about MIL filling his ears about his wife. The OP will have no peace living in UK either.

Living with your own parents will not be easy, please do not kid yourself. Even OP's own parents and if any siblings in the house, have their own way of life, a life without OP and her children. You can't go and leave your children with your parents while you are struggling to find work. You will actually look back at your life in Peshawar and miss the comfort you had. You will miss your husband.

29

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

Did I for a second say that I'm looking at the uk with rose tinted glasses. I do know the issues I willface. Is it.more important than my kids security. No.

Yes people can die anywhere. But mental security is.what we.need. I want to send my kids to school not in.fear

If I wanted to.move for my own issues I would have moved.or forced husbands hand months or years ago. I refrained because of what Jolie is saying
Yes life will be hard in.uk.hence.why.I compromised living here.

But the feeling I felt when my.kid was.in.school on 16 December just 15 ministes away from.army public.school is a feeling I.hope none.of.u or Jolie ever get to feel.

30

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

Really? You think that the whole immigration process will bend the rules just for you on the basis that you have children? Doesn't matter whether you're newlyweds or in your situation, rules are rules and you need to accept that you will need to come to the UK with your children alone initially until you find a job with the minimum salary requirement in order to sponsor your husband when such time comes. I won't even start on the accomadation requirements that you'll need to satisfy an Entry Clearance Officer on.

I don't understand why THIS isn't stressing you out more than upsetting your FIL over something that realistically isn't exactly going to happen overnight anyway.

31

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

Nadz just saying people are right, you now need a minimum of £18,000-£19,000 to call hubby over. That's a lot of you've been out of work for a long time or haven't got a degree etc. most jobs without degrees can go upto about £14,000 max which just isn't enough if you want to call your man over. Not sure if it's a higher requirement if you have kids?!

But if you and your husband still feel that this is the most beneficial decision for your family and your own safety then go for it, it will be hard obviously but eventually iA once you've settled back into the life and routine in the UK it will be fine again. Just come up with a realistic plan, explore all possible avenues first.

32

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

Honestly if this is how you feel then I think you just need to deal with the fact that your in laws aren't happy with your move and just do it anyways. Of course they're gonna be a little upset at first but people get used to change.

This is something that you both want for safety reasons and whatnot so you just need to go for it. The kids are young so they'll settle into school here in the UK really easily, and you could get a job during those hours and arrange childcare for working hours conflicting with children's hours. You could make it work if you really wanted to.

33

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

I never said they will bend the rules.

If I ( we) don't try now, we will never know and will always regret.

If one day god forbid things become so severe we HAVE to leave where will we.go? If we are older and immigration laws tougher. I'm 29 still young. Later maybe too late.

And I'm.not afraid.of hard work. All.the non UK nationals who.apply for visas and get to the uk and work.hard. why can't we do that
I don't plan on.living with.my husband with my parents either

Rather than tough advice ( which Jolie and chicken briyani I really do appreciate and need) it would be better to encourage. It cannot be impossible or hard. And if I could move to even Islamabad I would. But husband isn't willing. So uk is only place he feels we can go

Also my brother has started a business last year my brother wants.my husband to work together with him
But there's no money being made at the moment
However business may be what.my husband would want to do although he would only have around 25k in sterling .

34

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

Everyone who is being tough is just advising you what reality is, I know it may sound harsh. But I do agree with you and am encouraging you to make the move now rather than later.

Your daughter can start school from the beginning.
Later immigration laws just get tougher.
You will get older and find it harder to get work.

Anyhow, you have grown up here in the UK so u know what life is like here. I wouldn't worry too much yet about what hubby will do when he gets here as it is quite far off, but rather as I have said to u b4, c what jobs u could do, do your research in what is available in the area where your parents are. What level are you qualified to? Did you work here before your move to Pak?

Find out about schools and admission, as far as I know where I am the cut off date for app linking for a school in primary school is the end of January, if you don't do it by the cut off date then you have little chance of getting into a school of your choice. So if you are serious look into this now.

About the immigration matter if you are willing to work hard then the visa will get sorted. Since you have children the you will be entitled to child tax credit if you are on low income which will bring your income up to a certain amount. But check witH an immigration advisor that this wouldn't affect visa application. Don't think it will.

35

Hopefully Your Brother or your parents can act as a guarantor for your husband, if such a thing is allowed. Good luck on the move. I understand why you are doing it, especially since the incident was so close to home.

Best of luck there.

36

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

The whole of point of giving you a dose of reality in face of 'tough advice' is so you can tone down your sense of entitlement and stop deluding yourself with any feel good only workable on paper plans. After all that you've gone through, it is about time you stop thinking that you can always have your way.

Even now you are fooling yourself thinking that oh it doesn't have to be hard, well what if it ends up being hard? Or saying, we have kids, so my husband 'should be with me within a year'? I sincerely hope you are not feeding your husband all this. What if the process take good 3-4 years? Again, stop setting up these extreme expectations. There are women, who get married in Pakistan, get pregnant, leave their husbands behind, deliver the baby in the UK, and yet it does absolutely nothing to escalate their husband's application just because the woman has a child now. From what I gather, neither you nor your husband is recognised as a trained professional with a massive chance of straight forward employability or potential employer pushing for your case that it will speed up your application.

So tell your parents to immediately consult a good immigration lawyer, find out exactly what the minimum salary requirement is with two children in order to sponsor the spouse, how long do you need to be in full time employment before you can sponsor your husband. What are the accommodation requirement, do you need to show any particular amount of savings, etc etc. At this point, you should seriously just completely let go of the idea of getting any half decent and sustainable financial help with the benefits.

Your brother has just started a business which isn't making any money for now, so don't think from making no money, he can suddenly find himself in a position to sponsor workers of South Asian countries. even for that, he needs to show certain amount of investment record, good record of profit for number of years, and all sorts of things like that. Again, stop building sand imaginary castles, things are no where as easy as you claim to be. You can find some comfort in ignorant advices on this board where a random person tells you that yay Nadz, go UK, just go, your in laws and their neighbours can follow you there whenever they like, it's not a problem. Of course it is a problem, this is not 70s, or even 2000s where any random relative can get a sponsor visa. Things have changed a lot. Your brother isn't making any money at moment, so I hope you are not thinking of living with your parents house with two kids without chipping in any money towards meeting the household expenses.

I have no problem with you going to UK. The whole forever bored and idle damsel in distress streak has to stop. In fact I think it might personally do you a lot good to come to UK, get a full time job, perhaps do another weekend job, manage your expenses, pay your bills, pay your rent and get a taste of life as a single working mother. It is high time you step into the real world where you don't have the luxury of maid ironing your clothes and fretting over the fact that how dare your elderly mother in law didn't make you a soup when you had a cold. Enough of all this, right?

I honestly think all British girls - lurkers or members - thinking of marrying their imported cousins should read your threads for educational purposes. Your every thread is nothing less than an awareness bringing campaign. I'm not being mean here, but I honestly think, it is about time our community fixes itself. The young generation needs to learn some valuable lessons now. Too much emotional heartache and self created difficulties with such hasty marriages.

37

But tell us how you really feel. :halo:

38

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

Both of us are master's level graduates
( yes, I am)

If husband can say he has xxx amount of money so WE don't need public funding would that help? He has more than me

Secondly, Jolie and the rest, if you were in.my.situation would you, despite imminent difficulties, come back to the uk. See for me army school tragedy wasn't just a one off in.an.otherwise relatively safe place. The situation here just seems to be getting worse so what would you do.being.overseas.nationals in pak? Where people are dying.to get out?. You would stay because of financial issues or.visa complications?

39

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

Yes having savings will help. As far as I know the current amount of income you need to sponsor your spouse is£18,600. This can be made up by savings but it is calculated differently. It is the shortfall x 2.5 . So say you earn £12,600 a year, which you should on a minimum wage. The shortfall is £6000.

£6000x 2.5 is£15,000 and you must have this in your account for at least 6 months.

You haven't said if you have worked here before, your chances of getting a job all depends on your qualifications, field nd experience.

40

Re: feeling guilty overwhelmed and sad

But if hehas money in HIS pak account will that help? I have 2 kids so need 25k.

He has maybe 27 lakh.rupees.

So calculations?

And I have worked but not much. 7 months at a bank and a year at a law.firm