Feeling extremely hurt!!!

Lifestyle Relationships
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Just received a very very hurtful e-mail from a friend. She told me never to contact her again because she feels that I have backbited her and accused her of stuff she has never done.

I am speechless. I have never bacbited her, never accused her, only been helping her out with anything she asked for, trying to make her succeed in studies and work, coaching her and u name it.

Last month a family friend’s wife called to ask me to speak to this friend cuz my friend was contacting her husband too much. I felt disturbed and didnt know what to do. see also this post:
http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-and-relationships/477110-disturbed.html

The wife said that this girl flirts etc and I told her that she is not like that eventhough she might seem like that cuz she is a very open person. I never agreed with that wifey and never backbited her. I didnt speak to my friend about this.

In the meantime my friend acted very manipulative with me and was being rude and due to me being pregnant and not having energy to deal with her behaviour I just backed off for a while and didnt respond to her. Mind it, that this girl has dual personality and a long history of psychiatric stuff going on with her, which is why I didnt want to be with her when she suddenly got rude.

So because I didnt contact my friend, the wife of the family friend contacted this girl by sending her an e-mail. So my friend sent me a very very harsh e-mail recently and told me never to contact her because she feels attacked by his wife who mentioned my name in her e-mail. She also implied in the e-mail sent to me that I have said that she is a threat to any married women and that I must feel very insecure when i think like that, and that her innoncent looks doesnt go with her cunning behaviour - all of which is a BIG chock to me!!!

I never said any of this stuff. I loved her like my sister and did so much for her so make her feel good as she is insecure due to her situation. I litereally treated her like my younger sister and just cant get over the fact that she would just cut off all contact with me due to a 3rd person’s e-mail…its like anyone can send an e-mail to your friends and would they just leave you like that? without even asking you what happened, what you had said and why…

I understand that she is hurt by the e-mail she has received but it has nothing to do with me…

I wrote a long e-mail but didnt send it..saved it in my drafts…dont know if I want to send it to her or not..dont know if I want to contact her after such a harhs e-mail and conclusion about me…I feel so hurt. I have tears in my eyes while typing this post…I really loved her as my sister…especially since my own family isnt here…I feel like I lost someone I loved deeply…but this has been going on for more than a month that she started behaving rude to me and I distanced myself for a while untill she would be normal again…but than this person’s wife’s e-mail just made her explode…

I dont understand whats going on…why does it happen to you when the only thing you have had in mind is to be good friends with her and help her out when needed…

I just cant cope with all the accusations she wrote about me and feel like sending a slap in the e-mail..but I dont want to send an angry e-mail back…

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

do not react to her email. You did the right thing by not emailing her back. I say that you call her and even if she did not pick up the phone, leave a message. Better yet, if you can meet her one on one, do that. The reason I am saying is

  1. Nothing beats personal contact. Email cannot do the same job that personal contact can.
  2. you dont want to put/say anything in writing because email can be forwarded to the other person and then that person will send you a nasty email
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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

Your threads are usually about you being hurt (sorry, if this sounds harsh) and you are partly to blame for the mess you're in. You knew the girl had a dual personality and psychological issues, but you decided to get deeply involved with her and her life. You didn't want to be with her when she "suddenly got rude"??? You should have been more careful from the get-go.

And that's your problem, Chameli. Why do you feel the need to help her out with anything and everything she needs? Why do you feel the need to make sure that she's successful. Why do you bend over backwards to please others? Is it stemming from some sort of insecurity or need for approval? Do you somehow think that going out of your way to help others will make them stick around as your friends? See, when you bend over backwards to do stuff for people without setting boundaries and also considering your own needs........you send the message that people can take advantage of you.....and when people think they can use you......they lose respect for you. You took it as almost your "responsibility" to help this girl out...........so she felt that she wasn't even accountable for her own actions or how she treated you. She got used to you being "responsible" for everything in her life....so she may have thought you were "responsible" for this mess too. Her psychological problems could also have played a role.

I would suggest that you get over the hurt....most past her manipulative betrayal.......and don't look back. Chalk this up to a learning experience and move on. No use dwelling over this girl .....when you know you can't control her actions....and you know she won't apologize. What you CAN do is learn from your own mistakes and be more careful next time. Also, I agree with TLK. Never put anything in writing as it can be come back to haunt you. If you feel that you absolutely must clarify things...then do it in person. Otherwise....I'd just move on. And if she doesn't believe you when you try to clarify the matter....again....move on.

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

Well the way she portrayed her sitaution was that all her contact with Pakistani and Muslims have been negative. I wanted her to feel good. she never had any Muslim friends. in fact she was never acknolwedged for her success no matter what. she had a history from her past that made me feel that I could help her.

There is nothing wrong with hepling others is it? isnt that what our religion teaches us? of course one should have one's limits....
my need to make her feel succesful was cuz I myself am successful and could coach her. she benefitted a lot from it. and she developed and prospered which made me feel happy..to be able to share my success with others....i didnt need any approval from her..as i considered her my sister.....

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

not sure if I want to meet her face to face....never have someone hurt me so much as she did with that mail....and then I am pregnant and dont want to be emotional in front of her....

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

Dont do anything for a couple of days...you need to time to think.

After a few days have passed....call her personally and leave a message letting her know that you have not spoken ill about her. Meet her if possible to clear things up but what you really need to do is try to only let quality people into your life. This person is not one of them.

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

^Yes, it's good to help others. But Islam ALSO emphasizes that your own body (your health, your physical/emotional/mental well-being)...your family...etc have RIGHTS over you that can't be ignored.

Okay, so you wanted to make her feel good...and acknowledge her for her successes. But that doesn't necessarily require you to help her out with "ANYTHING" she asked for....and it didn't even require you to take upon the responsibility of making her succeed in her work and studies.

While it's good to help people and encourage others....it's also important to back off and give them some space so that they can try accomplishing their goals on their own....which not only makes them feel more independent....it makes the success more enjoyable.

Chameli...you'll come across people who will be more than happy to let you take care of everything for them....they'll start to see YOU as being responsible for things in their life...cuz you decided to take over that responsibility. And when something goes wrong....they'll blame you...because you decided to take responsibility over various aspect of their life. Again, you need to set boundaries. As the others have suggested, clarify the misunderstanding with this girl in person. If she doesn't believe you....move on. And it wouldn't hurt to reflect over why you're forming toxic friendships.....as that can prevent you from getting caught in the same mess again.

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

.

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

I agree with you but I think you misunderstood me here. I didnt take responsibility for her studies or work or anthing else. but would help her out when needed. in the beginning a lot. but since she joined uni I backed off a lot. so she has been doing it on her own...its not about that.....

yes I agree that refelcting over toxing friendships will benefit me....a lot....

but this experience is way above my understanding.....

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

excuse me?

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

Listen Chameli, you are hurt cause she is your friend, right. You think that she might be hurtin too at this time and just one call from you is what she needs to calm down? They say that you can handle a situation in 2 ways, from a position of weakness and from a position of strength. Taking charge of it and make her realize that you will never do (never did) anything to hurt the friendship is all what she might want to hear from you.

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

Still waiting for an answer from you Sara516

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

Just clarify things in person....and move on if she continues being an idiot. Again...be careful with even helping out "a lot." And if you know from the get-go that someone has a personality/psychological disorder......then it's better to be careful around them as opposed to "helping them out a lot" (even if it was only in the beginning).

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

I'm sorry if that sounded harsh but like everyone else has said, by letting people take advantage of you so much, you're saying its okay for them to disrespect you and treat you badly. Once or twice is one thing, but over time it becomes a pattern that gets harder and harder to break.

You're about to become a mother and if you don't start watching out for yourself becuase nobody else is going to--it's going to pass on to your family, and one day you're going to end up like one of those parents who let others hurt them and their families because they are too "powerless" to stop it.

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

Yes you are right...but as redvelvet has mentioned...its about toxic friendships in your life that you need to look into....and all this drama made me realize that it isnt an equal friendship and despite my efforts she wont accept the friendship to be equal and mentioned a lot of weird stuff in her mail....

I know what you mean....I have mixed feelings with regards to contacting her.....but I guess one has to be the better person...

its not like I have to be best friends with her afterwards...

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

yes that sounded harsh indeed....you could have said the same as in above instead of attacking my parents....I didnt reveal my personal story so that my parents should be attacked on GS later on...afterall they are my parents and I respect them.

but yeah I do get your point and have been thinking of the same ever since I got pregnant...and have succeeded in filtering my friendships and coming to peace with the fact that its better to have a few close friends that many rotten ones.....the fact they i dont have family around made me try to develop frienship with many nonsense people..but I am over that now....

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

that is true.

and also about the 'drama made' comment. would it be a drama for you if you have gotten an email from 'the wife' accusing you of flirting with her hubby and adding that even your best friend agrees. Would you be hurt and angry? I guess so.

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

yeah....learnt it the hard way..sigh I was naive to think that she would be more positive to Islam and Muslims if she had a positive contact with me....

its just ended with an e-mail from her stating that she doesnt want any contact with me nor any other Muslim here.....
She is Muslim herself but brought up in a non-Muslim environment and was looking for comfort among 'her own people' ....I feel sad that this experience will make her take a distance to Muslims and Islam...

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

Sure I would! and I truely understand that part!!!

but I wouldnt end my friendship based on someone's wife's e-mail...whom she has never met or spoken to!

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Re: Feeling extremely hurt!!!

Also, even if you do end up clearing the air with this girl.....I'd still maintain a distance from her. Your pregnant and when you have the baby....you don't need the stress from this girl to interfere with the more bigger responsibilities and priorities in your life. You said a few posts above that you put all your "efforts" into getting this girl to accept you as a friend....and I don't think you should do that anymore. Friendship should be mutual...and it should come more easily and naturally....you shouldn't have to work so hard for it.