with the current situation back home in london affecting my own high street its killing me to know it may be unsafe for my family, not sure how bad it is, can someone there tell me how bad it is right now,im worried. as well as being 5month preg, im already stressed at the abysmal situation here in peshawar too, not exactly safe either, so whats to do…watchn the news is making me sick london aint like this surely…making my inlaws and all say see it aint just pakistan is it…almost smug smiles…
im also furious with ym husband. he can be nice yes. but when hes rude, hes rude. and he wasrude last night at sehri his mum dad dont fast, ill, so just me his sis and him and he asked me if there was salt already in thr eggs, well he says he asked, i dnt rem him asking, he mustve added more, and thus salty eggsss…he eats 1 whole paratah before moaning, and then when i tell him u didnt ask me etc he gets more angry and rude and raises his voice, his sis tells him be quiet mum dad slping, he doesnt care, raises his voice then says dafa ho jao…rudely to me.
in a private situation, sometimes its easier handlded, infro nt of someone else, his sister, i was mortfied. I seriously dont wish to speak to him ever again
Although I am not in favor of having such communication in writing, but if you think that you may break down in tears or what not, you can always email him.
Why is he being such a moron? Tell him, there is no use of him fasting when he can’t behave with respect with his own wife. Seriously! People turn such dogs and *****es while fasting, it only makes me think how much of their fast is actually gonna count. Allah does not want to see us bhooka, this month is to teach us patience and care for the needy ones. However, i don’t see people learning that rather they are busy waiting up for iftari time so they can feed their self like there is never gonna be another chance to eat:halo:.
When your husband is in a calmer mood, you need to address the issue of him lashing out at you in front of others and how that is not not only embarrassing but hurtful to you and the relationship....and especially over something as trivial as anday. You need to nip this in the bud...cuz you don't want this happening again. It's easier to get cranky with the fasting and then having to wake up in the middle of the night for sehri...but obviously it's no justification.
Maybe your in-laws aren't trying to be smug...maybe they were trying to calm you down by telling you that bad things happen everywhere especially if they see that you get frequently worked up over the state of things in Pakistan.
I just think that you need to talk to your husband....sit down with him....maybe remind him that because it's Ramzan you both need to discuss things with patience and to resolve matters as it's not healthy to have this atmosphere in the home..especially this month. And just mentioning that can open the way for a more peaceful discussion. Talk about your concerns...maybe he'll be willing to work with you. Look at your own mistakes as well. If things are not getting better and if you're really worried about family....consider going to back to England for a while. Who knows, maybe the break/distance will do both of you some good and put things in perspective.
you can text him later or when you think you are feeling better and not in your i'd-burst-into-tears mood just patiently tell that i don't like being insulted especially in front of other people (whoever that maybe) ...
it's not fair on you nadz ..i know the situation is bad in london and riots are now breaking out in other cities too ..IA your family would be safe ...do they live in croydon? just relax and whenever you are feeling low recite some dua and durood sharif !
or you can pray 2 rakat nafl and pray to Allah to ease things for you
Talk to him in private when he is in good mood and let him know that he needs to control his anger on such trivial issues , say it with a smiling face not in a dantofy manner though.
If someone is pre-occupied with such a big issue as London riots in her parents backyard one might not be hearing things which are said in very low voice , he should have got your attention before he asked you about salt in the eggs.
This incident shows that he has some anger control issues which should be handled right now as TLK rightfully said before they turn into fits and rage.
Nadz, I know that you've had issues for several months now with your husband's behavior (the lack of attention, etc). But for now...deal with the more current/immediate concern which would be how he spoke to you in front of his sister. You need to tell him how that made you feel and make it clear that such behavior is unacceptable. Maybe also tell him that if he repeats it again....then next time you will take the "dafa ho ja" literally by leaving him.
But keep your airline ticket , passport and some zaad a raah ready before you give him that ultimatum as two respected ladies of GS advised above. Bluffing will make him more brave than he is right now.
No I am not being bee-jamalo. I am giving you sane advise.
I am sure Inshallah having a calm conversation with him, as I suggested above, will work . He seems to be a reasonable guy and would relate to your concerns.
Does “leaving him” have to mean something like divorcing him? No. It could also mean just walking out of the room…taking a temporary break, etc.
Am I sure that’s a good idea? I dunno. I’m not married…I’m not the authority on marriage/relationships. I’ve never claimed that my advice (whether long or brief) is the best or that it will work. I’m just putting forth suggestions like everyone else…and the OP can decide for herself what is the more suitable course of action for to take. I do, however, believe that things are not so black and white. SOmetimes talking it out and sticking around works. Sometimes being the bigger, kinder person works. And sometimes being more blunt/taking stronger action/setting boundaries/putting one in their place gives a stronger message. The frequency of the offenses also plays a role in deciding what strategy to use. And how one reacts to it will also vary.
But keep your airline ticket , passport and some zaad a raah ready before you give him that ultimatum as two respected ladies of GS advised above. Bluffing will make him more brave than he is right now.
No I am not being bee-jamalo. I am giving you sane advise.
I am sure Inshallah having a calm conversation with him, as I suggested above, will work . He seems to be a reasonable guy and would relate to your concerns.
yes she needs to talk to him but i dunno....i think ultimatums should be avoided ...maybe im wrong
Does "leaving him" have to mean something like divorcing him? No. It could also mean just walking out of the room...taking a temporary break, etc.
Am I sure that's a good idea? I dunno. I'm not married...I'm not the authority on marriage/relationships. I've never claimed that my advice (whether long or brief) is the best or that it will work. I'm just putting forth suggestions like everyone else...and the OP can decide for themselves what is the best course of action for them to take. I do believe that things are not so black and white. SOmetimes talking it out and sticking around works. Sometimes being the bigger, kinder person works. And sometimes being more blunt and taking stronger action gives a stronger message. The frequency of the offenses also plays a role in deciding what strategy to use. And how one reacts to it will also vary.
hehe the reason why i asked that question is because i personally shy away from ultimatums...but i am literally unsure in this case it may be a good idea...or it may not ....still confused about that
but ur ryte it cud mean as simple as walking out of the room only
You can make it an ultimatum if you want or you can just treat as removing yourself from the situation for some time. Again, it can also depend on how long there have been problems. When reasonsing and other milder strategies don't work..then a stronger action can sometimes be more effective and knock some sense into a person. It doesn't have to mean the end to a marriage. Some distance (which is what "dafa ho" entails) can help people see things clearly...even for the one who is in the wrong. I don't agree/support Nadz in all her complaints...but maybe a break might not be such a bad idea. She might even prefer..as the due date draws closer....to have the baby in England. For someone who has lived in the west all her life, moving to Pakistan is a HUGE deal...it's not easy..I don't know if I myself would have lasted that long. And when you're living with in-laws...and in her case...where the MIL shows through comments/body language that Nadz was never her preferred choice in a bahu...that makes it more challening.
yes she needs to talk to him but i dunno....i think ultimatums should be avoided ...maybe im wrong
Ultimatums should be avoided at all costs , but sometimes one has to take action. Bluffing is never a good idea, if one is not serious about his/her ultimatum then do not use it as a weapon in intimate relationships. They lose their value over time. It is like crying wolf if one does not turn one's ultimatum into a reality .
