Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
The thing is…unfortunately one ‘wrong move’ in the yes of your saas can F you up for life lol. Just be polite and say I will deffo wear/do it later. Be assertive but be polite. Don’t let this pattern of behaviour set you up for life under your saas.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
I’m assuming your MIL-to-be brought you gifts only a few times. It’s good you went with the flow and listened to her. May be she wanted to see if it doesn’t fit then she can return/alter them and save herself extra visit just to get the clothes back.
I’ve friends who don’t have parents or are very sick and that made me realize how much difficult it is for them to get married. Things that couples with normal families will never realize. Pick your fights carefully.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
My advice:
Be yourself. These are lifelong relationships and you’ll be setting yourself up for failure if you’re anything but your true self since the get-go. This means taking a small stand for yourself every now and then. I know its not the advice you want to hear but what I have experienced is…even if you were studded with pearls and diamonds there would be faults in you. Not because MIL is evil but because families go through growing pains when a new member enters. Its just how it is. Too many emotions, craziness, drama, etc. She is telling you she is in charge basically. And she is absolutely in charge…but of herself. What I am trying to say gol mol is…there will be drama no matter what. Don’t be a doormat and take beatings. Stand up occasionally in a non-badtameez way to set proper precedents otherwise be ready for this for the rest of your life. Making waves is not always a bad thing.
Be kind but always maintain a polite distance. You don’t need to best friends with anyone. You don’t need to know what is going on in anyone else’s life but your own. You don’t need to be involved in all family decisions. You don’t need a ton of gifts from your MIL and it doesn’t make an ounce of a difference in your married life whether you get expensive outfits or crappy ones. Truly. You simply need to make sure you and your husband are happy. That’s it.
Complaining to your husband about your MIL is useless. I fell into the trap in the very beginning because I obviously wasn’t going to talk to my mom about my home life and worry her. You may be just venting but in his mind…its still his mom and he finds it offensive. No matter what. So don’t do it.
My own MIL is **extremely **traditional. She is not happy with my setup in my home because we have different lifestyles. I don’t cook from scratch everyday, don’t wear desi clothes everyday and husband and I share responsibility of our child. This is not what she is used to. I don’t think its a flaw in her…just a different way of life. We had some issues in the beginning when she came to live with us but smoothed out later on…both of us kind of understood how the other operates and that was that. I started to cook fresh food everyday, started cooking her way everyday and she understood her son was going to make compromises as much as I was. Did she fall in love with me? No. But she knows her son is happy and that makes her happy. So we are okay now.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
Hi Jade, I totally get what you’re trying to say and stumbled across this post for advice myself!
What I would like to point out is it’s not about the clothes- it’s her demands and expectations that you should what she wants when she wants you to, and if you don’t you’re made to feel like you’re bad. Apply this to every scenario and it’s a recipe for disaster. I’m not telling you this to scare you, I’m telling you because I’ve lived with control freak interfering mil for over 2 years. My husband and I do shift work and 2 months into our marriage my mil was sending me jobs to apply for so that I was doing mon fri 9-5. I understand that they wanted to see more of me but they didn’t factor when my husband and I would see each other so I kindly said to her that he and I have decided I would stay on shift work for a year. She didn’t like it and stopped speaking to me for a month—2 months into my marriage!! 2 years later I’m still on shift work but I get anxious and paranoid about upsetting her- yet I’m still not a good daughter in law. You don’t want to end up like me, trust me it will feel like you’re married to her and I’m saying this even though my husband sticks up for me and see his mums flaws. I guess what I’m trying to say is get ththat confidence to say no early but you need your husbands support. You will have to tell him how she is making you feel otherwise it will be difficult for him when he’s in between two bickering woman. If he can lower his mother expectations before you’re in the house it will be best for everyone. Secondly stand up for you’re class- I’m from a lower caste than my in laws and mil has brought my really expensive things which I’ve never been comfortable receiving because she thinks she’s better than everyone- in arguement I have had it thrown In my face that my parents could give me what she has. Things are on “good terms” between us now but that sort of thing sticks- it’s never about just giving you clothes, it’s about demand, expectations and class. I know this comes across as negative but if she makes you FEEL inferior to her- that is Negative. Speak to your folks- listen to your gut. I wish I did!! You need a supportive husband. If you need any advice let me know!
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
Reha and Ss91 both good advice . I think I wasn’t able to clarify about class difference. She hails from a lower class family, but since I never want her to feel low, I excessively praise her gifts, which usually are good. She ,I thought at first has a complex and worries that I won’t like her things and so I always went ahead and fulfilled her wishes. But now, I have started to see its not only gifts, its not about only material things. She wants me to do everything, even changing my likes to her wishes. I don’t think that has anything to do with class.
I’m thinking I will have to stand up to her and im practicing saying things in a disrespectful yet firm way. I say things really carefully around her so as not to hurt her feelings.But I feel, my own feelings are being crushed. If I don’t stand up now. I won’t be able to later. I only fear that what if anything I said was taken in a wrong way and I will face repercussions after marriage. Sigh. Arrgh. I just pray Allah makes a situation where I will be able to live independently after marriage. I have started getting stress headaches.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
You don’t like MIL…your life will be hell and you will regret for rest of your life…there is a poster here with a whole 5 years history ..you can read her threads and see how awefull it was for her…name is Nadz …
so, leave it…you can find a man with no mother…or mother far away…don’t fall into this trap…you will never be good enough for her…and your husband won’t tolerate much against his mother…all people advising you to stick to it are not considering how awefull its gonna be…so run away.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
Try to spend more time with your future in laws. You will get a clear picture of how she is and about the family dynamics. If she is unbearable and you have to live with her maybe its best to walk away since parents can exert a lot of influence on marriages in our culture.