Guys,
Is it normal that I can’t stop panicking about my future MIL. Il be getting married next year, and so far with every visit that she makes, I keep getting scared. For one, she is controlling, if she brings a gift or something, she tells me wear it. I mean that’s all right, but if im doing something else her demand is to stop it and wear her gift right then. That is OK too I guess, but what’s not OK is talking over me and repeating herself without pause saying " pehno, pehno, abhi pehno" and not with a smiling face. Her expression is that of extreme seriousness and haughtiness and glares at me.
I can’t handle this. She has done that a couple of times now , and the first time I was so scared of her look that I immediately stood up an did what she told me too. While my nand to be , laughed at me.
Is this bad, or am I reading too much into this?
Any advice. What can I do to stop fearing her. Its affecting my health and I’ve lost my appetite.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
You are setting a bad pattern for your future. Don’t let her pressurise you into doing anything. Next time she does this, politely and cooly tell her, ‘ji pehan lon gi’ JUST ONCE and go about your business as usual turning a deaf ear to subsequent commands.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
I thought of doing that. But what if she declares me a bad bahu. It wouldn’t matter much but my sister is marries to her close relatives and probably my sister will have to deal with details of my bad tarbiat.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
I thought of doing that. But what if she declares me a bad bahu. It wouldn’t matter much but my sister is marries to her close relatives and probably my sister will have to deal with details of my bad tarbiat.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
is this the only thing that scares you or you have observed some other things as well? if its only this thing then it might be that she is the impatient kind, who would not want to wait a second to do things or get things done.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
Ten years into your marriage you will discover there is no such thing as ‘good bahu’ in the desi culture.lol. so if I were you I wouldn’t care about it at all.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
Lol. I personally wouldn’t care about being a good bahu. But my sisters good reputation as awesome bahus is putting a pressure on me.
Yeah that is the only thing. My MIL used to be a teacher and after retirement she seemingly takes everyone as her students I guess. I am fiercely protective of my indepence and I fear her interference will be too much. To top it off, my fiance thinks his mom is an angel who can do no wrong. He even had a fight with his younger brother because he dared to joke around with his mom.
I am honestly scared and confused about how am I going to deal with this family.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
There’s no easy way to deal with it.
1-You could opt out of the marriage.
2-Listen to her and not let it bother you.
3- Listen to her and be miserable.
4- Don’t listen to her. You are not your sister. Take care of your reputation and let your sister take care of hers.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
I think you are are thinking too much into it. Look at the bigger picture & stop sweating over small stuff. She doesn’t dictate you perhaps she just want to see you in those clothes she got you as a gift. If you still think its too much for you then tell your mother to politely indirectly samjhao your mother in law that she will wear them afterwards.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
I mean is this a deal breaker? seriously? Thats your number 1 option to suggest? Her saas just told her to wear clothes she bought her as a gift & that should be a deal breaker for her? Seriousllyyy???
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
I think she isn’t over thinking it. She needs to set boundaries early on. Healthy boundaries are vital for every relationship.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
Read carefully. There’s politely asking and then there’s command . I’m sure no adult wants to be ordered around for trivial stuff for the rest of their lives. The reason it was number one was because how important saving her marriage to be is the basis of how she should decide from the other 3 options.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
I read carefully. You said “there is no easy way to deal with it” & I don’t see you suggesting her to deal with it politely. And your very first option is to opt out of the marriage. So one should opt out of the marriage over bunch of clothes? And your other options aren’t giving any positive vibes either.
I don’t think she is ordering her around to do stuff, all I deduced from her post is that her saas wants to see her to be bahu in clothes she got her as a gift.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
The second option was dealing politely in case you haven’t noticed.
^ I do NOT think the above is in any way polite or even passes off as being decent. It is definitely controlling. Nobody deserves to be treated this way. I’m amazed at how you see the above as the mil wanting to see her bahu in her gift.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
Cloth isn’t even the issue here btw.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
Your 2nd option is not dealing politely thats just giving in even though its just a small issue which can be taken care of politely if its bothering her so much.
Its not like she is telling her that “beta sit & eat 2 samosas as I told you to & don’t move until I tell you” etc etc
As someone mentioned before may be she is just impatient.
My point is small things shouldn’t be made such a big deal that one should “opt out of marriage” because of it. One should look at the bigger picture.
Why ruin such a beautiful relationship of husband & wife (which they will have in future) over such things?
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
No I don’t want to break off the marriage. And it isn’t impatience. She rules with an iron fist. Her stubbornness has led to breaking of her friendly relations with FILs side of the family too.
I would love to brush it off, to not let her affect me, but my anxiety is too much. If I tell her politely to wear it later, they become victims and then go: She doesn’t respect us and doesn’t like us because we belong to a lower class.
Even though I never think that. It isn’t about clothes, I will wear them. I wore everything she brought me. Its the constant pressure to meet her demands. I want a way to let her know that she can’t interfere in my every moment. I mean she even tells me not to eat certain things like going out etc and I go out only once a month to begin with.
But how can I tell her this without upsetting the fiance. He is tolerant of everything except when it comes to his mother
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
@LP
I mean just look at her issue & look at your suggestion? “opt out of marriage” is your very first suggestion? Seriously?? & over what??
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
If she has to spend the rest of her life with the MIL and her husband to be thinks of her as an angel who can do no wrong and the same MIL talks to her “haughtily” and glares at her for not doing her bidding, even before she is her DIL, then this is most probably just the tip of the iceberg. The “beautiful relationship” has not started yet,so this is the best time to opt out of it. If she loves her husband to be and it’s not an arranged marriage,then of course it depends on how much she can tolerate for the sake of that love and go ahead and marry.
Re: Fear of SAS - to - be
I am not forcing her to opt out of marriage. It was a mere suggestion. Get over it!