my brother has always lead a messed up life and given grief to my parents.with the constants issues he has made for our family , we sisters have no much respect left for our brother but due to our father we try to bare him. our father ultimate solution is to blame my mum and us sisters regarding my brother behaviours.
fast forward the past 10 years, now at 27 he is addicted to gambling and drinks and we fear he takes drugs too. he is skinny as hell and his health is always at risk.
myhusband who is my cousin knows everything but we both managed well to hide everything from my husband parents. now dad told it all to my fil and my mil was listening. i felt sooo ashamed. i dont know how to meet eyes.
i am pregnant with a boy and i fear my little one will go after my brother. my mum.father was a gambler and when my fil heard about my brother, he told my dad that its just the same thing that my mum’s father used to do and that my brother is gone after his maternal grandfather
now im scared for my son. im scared of the future.
i.so wished my father had kept me in mind ebfore telling my fil.
im so scared and ashamed in front of my.inlaws, esp my mil. my fil is still within faimily but mil might tell her own family.
Re: father revealed about my brother's gambling to my ILs
from what i have witnessed it seems genetic. i have seen my parents, espc dad struggle a lot to gives us the best education. we rest of siblings gave all gone through decent path. my father has fallen into depression knowing his son turned out like that despite him trying his best. my father is known for his good acts and has always incorporated good manners good islamic behaviour in us. he was espc trying his best with my brother bcz he feared he will go after his grandfather...my dad nowadays cries hysterically and ask allah why his son turned like this despite his efforts
Hazrat Nuh (a.s) had a son who was an unbeliever. Hazrat Yaqub (a.s) had many sons who plotted against their own brother. Therr is a reason that children are named as one of our "tests".
They were Prophets of Allah and they went thru these hardships with their children.. the rest of us are mere humans.
As parents, u do ur best to provide a stable environment, a good relationship and an Islamic upbringing overall...if ur kid is still messed up, pray for him/her and never cut off ur connection. It has nothing to do with genetics. Maybe someday ur brother will see the constant love and prayers that his parents have for him and will mend his ways... if not, it's not on ur parents.
Re: father revealed about my brother's gambling to my ILs
Yes, you could be more pre-disposed to addictive behaviour. I know I can get addicted fast so i stop myself beforehand even the once in a blue moon smoke fest. But it's also how folks around them to react. Why is it that it's your brother and not you doing the drinking and gambling. Did your parents treat you and brother differently before he got addicted when you guys were children. Think back and reflect. Learn from any enabling behaviour you saw or even the discipline he received. Sometimes people get trapped in their own habitual behaviour and both your brother and the rest of the family are probably stuck in it too. Time to deconstruct and analyze rather than condemning a poor child to life of addictions prematurely without any science to back you up.
Your brother is an adult. He doesn't represent you and neither you him. There's nothing to be ashamed.
Re: father revealed about my brother's gambling to my ILs
it's not genetic.
first and foremost put aside your fears for your own son.
keep a healthy and positive attitude.
as for being ashamed, your brother is a grown man......has been for a decade and has made his own choices.
assuming you did what you could to prevent him from going down this troublesome path (i.e. as much as a sister can do), you have no responsibility here.
Re: father revealed about my brother's gambling to my ILs
Lol, gambling and drinking is not transmitted from uncle to nephew, that could only happen if it was an x- linked recessive disorder, which it is not.
Wrong. If it was indeed a x-linked recessive, then it won't have come from OP's mom's dad (as she seems to think)...genetics be cray cray
In all seriousness though, some people do have a stronger predisposition for addiction, but that is no excuse for not trying. @parisbynight, in your original post you said your dad's ultimate solution is to blame your mum and sisters. Does that not seem odd to you? How did your dad treat your brother while you guys were growing up? Did his bad behaviour ever get excused because it wasn't his fault but his mom's bad genes which made him act that way? Were you sisters treated the same?
Re: father revealed about my brother's gambling to my ILs
Don't worry my friend. Horrible situation but I guess it was bound to come out. Stay confident with your in laws. We can only do our best for our children and I'm sure your little fella will turn out fine.
Re: father revealed about my brother's gambling to my ILs
Wrong. If it was indeed a x-linked recessive, then it won't have come from OP's mom's dad (as she seems to think)...genetics be cray cray
Thats exactly how x-linked recessive are inherited. Affected man passes it to daughters who become carriers and pass to sons and her daughter becomes carrier.
Re: father revealed about my brother's gambling to my ILs
Thats exactly how x-linked recessive are inherited. Affected man passes it to daughters who become carriers and pass to sons and her daughter becomes carrier.
Not if you're assuming OP's kid will have said trait...
Re: father revealed about my brother's gambling to my ILs
Read S_Punk's post again. She said it best because she provided examples that refute your notion of gambling being genetic. Why didn't you 'inherit' this habit then? And what about those cases where the parents are messed up but the children turn out have better character than their parents? Allah guides whomever He wills right? Most of us have heard this. Allah is muqallibul quloob, the controller of the hearts. It was very tactless for your fil to say that this is all due to your mum's father. Make dua to the One who guides and who controls our hearts that He guide your brother. Often times the people with the worst habits end up having the strongest iman when they come to the right path. Even if you feel ashamed, don't show it because there are people who can take advantage of any weakness we show them. They may show sympathy initially and then use our weaknesses against us. So, don't be ashamed and also make sure not to complain or criticize your bro in front of in-laws because sometimes it sends the message to people that if you have no qualms about trashing your own family then that must mean that it's okay for them to criticize your family as well. Since this is a matter that's out of your control and not your fault, do not display an apologetic attitude in front of in-laws.
Re: father revealed about my brother’s gambling to my ILs
Love doesn’t changes overnight… In laws are ur family…I don’t think…not meeting eyes is in any way required or even an aftermath…
Chhoddo… There is a whole life ahead..with In laws …they should have known…now that they know…I don’t think family ever judges u on how ur brothers and sisters are…or how u are…
As per that being genetic…no…Do agree that some people tend to find calm in such stuff rather than looking for actual solutions…
But everything can be taught… And..Paris …I don’t think u need to be tensed here… About saving face…or other people knowing about it… Their opinion doesn’t matters…
Just raise ur child with the values that u have been raised with Islamic or otherwise.. Don’t let ur father and bro come off as more successful and happy…cz that will mislead him…
And..assuming ur brother is only boy among you(sounds orthodox but still).. Over love and over attention and a tendency by parents to overlook faults of favorite child(as is evident from original post) can also lead to such behaviours…
Better find a balance… Between love and what needs to be done …
And I think a little bit of beating… Shall work up nice and good..(that’s like from personal experience..)
Re: father revealed about my brother's gambling to my ILs
Addictions do have an underlying genetic current, though to what extent and exactly what genes - no one knows. But it's not unusual to find alcoholics and gamblers with folks in their family with similar problems in prior generations (can't use the environment reason because these are different generations raised in different homes, time periods etc).
But don't worry. You raise your boy on a tight leash just like desis raise their girls and he will be fine. He doesn't go anywhere without you, and parental supervision until the 20's. Focus on education, keep the kids in, and watch who they're friends with, and make sure those friends' parents have the same goals at hand, so you can tag team.
The reason why guys get out of control is because their parents give them way too many freedoms, and girls don't get these freedoms, so they don't come out as messed up. The girls who are given too much freedom end up with similar problems. A lot of it is friends also - if your kids have non-muslim friends, there is always a westernization influence. Sometimes totally harmless, and sometimes, not so much.
Re: father revealed about my brother's gambling to my ILs
thanks a lot for your replies.
my fil is so tensed ever since he had the talk with my dad. he is upset for hia nephew.but also seem stressed for my well being.
i am supposed to move back to my parents in a month until the delivery as my inlaws are going back to pak and my husband is goigabroad for work purpose. now my fil told my husband tht it will be a bad idea for her to move there as there will be non stop fights and i get overly emotional to the point tht i cry hysterically all night until i cntbreath. i know my parents home mahol, with my dad in depression , even a small issue end up in my dad hitting himself and there is loads of tears. Plus my parents tell me all details on phone despite my husband politly requesting them not to call me for each issue as it affects my health. if i dont hear my father out and dont side him then he says that his only good daughter has left him too.
i dont know if i should go there, or should i just stay up north by myself. i wouldnt know how to avoid the emotional trauma during the 3 months time.
now my husband and fil are both scared saying my emotions will damage the baby mentally.
From ur post, it seems like u don't want to go there. If u think it's better for u and ur baby to stay away, then stay away. But u should at least hear ur parents out and offer them assurances when they confide in u over the phone, it will only make them feel better.
Re: father revealed about my brother's gambling to my ILs
But don't worry. You raise your boy on a **tight leash just like desis raise their girls and he will be fine. He doesn't go anywhere without you, and parental supervision until the 20's. **Focus on education, keep the kids in, and watch who they're friends with, and make sure those friends' parents have the same goals at hand, so you can tag team.
The reason why guys get out of control is because their parents give them way too many freedoms, and girls don't get these freedoms, so they don't come out as messed up. The girls who are given too much freedom end up with similar problems. A lot of it is friends also - if your kids have non-muslim friends, there is always a westernization influence. Sometimes totally harmless, and sometimes, not so much.
Are you serious with the last bit in bold, PCG?
That seems a little ott to me.. and kids do also end up 'messed up' when they aren't given enough freedom..
)