Charism, you obviously know your family better than I do. That said, you would have a better idea about what step you should take…that would hopefully incur the least damage. But, I do wonder one thing. IF your **grandmother **was in your mom’s position…would she prefer to find out about her own husband’s (your grandfather) plans for a second marriage BEFORE it took place…OR…would she prefer to be kept in the dark until **AFTER **the marriage has taken place??? Have you wondered about that?
You decide whatever you feel is best. But I don’t agree with your grandmother. Your grandma doesn’t live with your mom does she? Right? You live with your mom day in and day out. You know your mom well. I think you have an idea about how she would take this news. So, the question here is…which option would hurt your mom the least? **
- **Not telling her anything until after the marriage has taken place…and then she’ll also know that you KNEW about things before hand. She’ll also have to deal with the fact that the marriage has been done…and there’s no room for her to get her husband to rethink his decision.
OR
**2) **Letting her know of the marriage plans before hand. Yes, she’ll be upset. But it’ll give her time to analyze her marriage, think about what is lacking. Talk to her husband. And think about what step she wants to take next. That way while he’s preparing for a second marriage…she’ll be thinking about what she needs to do for herself. I think that’s more fair.
While it may not be mandatory for a guy to seek his first wife’s permission to marry again…it just leaves a bad taste in one’s mouth to go about a huge step so secretly. There’s just something…dirty or underhanded (for lack of a better word)…about celebrating a wedding…while your first spouse whom you’ve spent years with…is at home…waiting for your return…and has no idea what’s going on behind her back…has no idea how her life is going to change so drastically…and didn’t deserve the courtesy of being informed so that she can at least start thinking about herself and life as well.
As a daughter, you have loyalty toward your mom AND dad…and this makes it tougher to decide what would be the best path to take…because you don’t want to hurt or betray either party. But, I dunno, if it were me…I would think from a woman’s perspective…and try to put myself in mom’s shoes. And I’d inform her. No woman is going to be the perfect wife just like no man will ever be a perfect husband. But when a woman has been with you through every up and down in life…when she’s brought your children into this world…when she’s helped raise them and make so many sacrifices…I could not keep her in the dark about this.**
********I imagine she’d be hurt MORE by her children’s secrecy…than her husband’s desire for a second wife. In a way, that seems like a bigger betrayal. Women may expect that men, by nature, may not be entirely satisfied with one woman. Even your grandmother (dad’s mom) is aware of the nature of men and says they’re disgusting…and this is her OWN son she’s talking about. But I think women…would expect stronger loyalty from their children.