Family Versus Girl - what should you do?

My friend was discussing a concern with me recently and i thought to take input from my fellow Guppies.

My friend belongs to a well established, decent, well off and progressive family. One of her brothers is in an internationally high rated multinational company. Another sibling is a Chartered Account, One is a doctor and parents are both at a considerably well established position.

For her brother, they all like a girl who they all know personally one or the other way. Everyone is single mindedly accepting and liking the girl for all the traits she possesses - educated, decent, good looking, happy natured, well bonded into family, presentable, religious to an extent, liberal to an extent..overall as described she is a flawless girl from every person’s perspective separately and from their own scope of knowing her indifferently.

The problem seems to be that in the last 1-2 visits they have met her family there seems to be a wide difference between them & the girl, between the family & my friend’s family. Her family seems to be not very well off, not very dignified, not very presentablt, not very educated, not into some established careers. On the other hand, my friend’s family is decent and low profile but inwardly are very high ranked people as a family and individually. Their dressing, their house, their talk, their education, their social circle, their lifestyle, their living everything is very much different from the girl’s family. They all seem to be confused about it as they extremely like the girl and are doubtful about the family. Although its the girl that will be coming to this family but even then the family and their lifestyle does hold a lot of importance as this interaction will go on for years.

Has any one been through such a dilemma when you liked the girl a lot but were not too convinced about the family. What should one do?

Re: Family Versus Girl - what should you do?

The girl and her family deserves much better than to be around such shallow and materialistic people. :nook:

^ too right,

Re: Family Versus Girl - what should you do?

I dont understand why guys & guy's families always have so much nakhras. As if they are out in the market to buy some product and not to find some decent rishta.

I think the measuring stick of guys side of family measures financial position and societal position it has got nothing much to do with the girl herslef. They should look somewhere else .

Re: Family Versus Girl - what should you do?

what they should do depends on them..

Re: Family Versus Girl - what should you do?

I have learnt some bitter lessons in my life.

It is ok to marry a girl form lower social standing. she would be more appreciative of susral rather then marrying girl from rich and snobbish family making everyones life difficult by comparing between susral and maika.

I have known the guy’s family for years now. They are a very down to earth and humble family. I think it is everyone’s own right to select some one best for their children who their children have to attend to their entire life.

No one is looking for money or the ‘Jahez’ they will get etc. They are a bit doubtful about their lifestyle - what is the big deal with that? Its their child who has to meet her family every other day, you should think over these things before hand than create problems for any one else and your self.

Many of the guppies here have said soo many times we dont want an FOB, No Desi material etc. What is the big deal if a guy’s family has the same concern with he girl’s family. They are discussing it with each other and ought to sort out such concerns beforehand. If they find some one way too desi and backward in their lifestyle there is a wide difference, which i believe would be a little concern for many people which does not make them materialistic or shallow for that matter.

Re: Family Versus Girl - what should you do?

If the girl is fobby, it's different. You're judging her based on the parents fobbiness. FYI, most parents are fobs.

I agree with sara516. If only the girl knew that this conversation was going on , she might have the opportunity to dump the rishta and find someone more down to earth.

Totally agree with you Sara!!!

Re: Family Versus Girl - what should you do?

I think you guys are being really harsh. Its better to think about these things now then have to deal with the ramifications later. If the guy's side want someone who is socially/ academically on par with them then they should find another girl.

Its better to say what you really want from the onset than resent someone later.

I think too many people like to think that certain things won't bother them when in fact they do and they will bother them in the future. One shouldn't have to 'deal with it' once its done, they should think through before they ruin lives.

Re: Family Versus Girl - what should you do?

Daffy what you are telling about the boy and his family that they are nice from all angles and so is the girl, I think they should go ahead with the marriage. Its not easy to find good rishtay for good gals at first place. Just on a petty thing they should not leave the gal and just on a petty thing the gal should not dump the boy.

Tell the boy's family to do istekhara.

That's not necessarily true. How a girl behaves in her susraal has nothing to do with her previous social standing, status etc. It depends mostly on her upbringing, and even more so on her personality. I've seen some girls from comparitvely poor family marry into families which were better off, and they invariably acted too snobbish. Possibly because they felt insecure because of their previous social status. Sad but true.

As for the topic being discussed, I feel that it's a bit unfair towards the girls who apparently is nice. She cannot control or dictate which sort of family she came from. And just because someone is from a different background, parents are less educated(academically speaking), doesn't mean that they aren't a nice family. If the guy's family is not worried about jahez or what they are going to get, then why are they so concerned about what sort of house they have, or what sort of careers they have? How is that going to affect their son's future happiness? Because, it's not as if a married man's life is affected much by his susraal, unlike that of a girl's.

We have lived outside pakistan almost all our lives and yet my elder sister got married into a not-so-well-off family in an alienated gaon in Pakistan called "roriwala" ... why is that? Because my brother-in-law Mashallah is a very well educated, well settled, very much respected and very successful young man, moderately religious and extremely soft spoken guy, and that's all my parents cared about when finalising the rishta.

My sister and all of us couldn't be happier, my praa is awesome ;)

I don't see one thing that;s down to earth in the above quote.

Nor do I see anything "humble" about calling a girl's family,

[QUOTE]
Her family seems to be not v*ery well off,* not very dignified, not very presentablt, not very educated, not into some established careers.
[/QUOTE]

I mean seriously! Sara516 is right...That girl deserves a lot better then these snooty nosed people.

Re: Family Versus Girl - what should you do?

Ask the guy . If he is fine with it then its all cool .

What do you mean by not very dignified, not very presentable? As for me, if i like the girl, then none of the things you mentioned really matter. Especially since I don't require the girl to contribute anything financially. Parents' and siblings' education and qualification wouldn't even be relevant for me.

I'm sorry maybe my reading comprehension skills are a bit off but when you describe the guys' family by their jobs and they consider the family of their prospective bahu to be "not well off, undignified, unpresentable, and not into the same careers".....how on earth is that being "down to earth" and "humble"?

Its one thing to find someone backwards in their lifestyle or incompatible, its totally different to pick on someone for their parents. shame on her for having an "undignified" family, right? If this girl has a shred of dignity or respect for her family, she would back out now before marrying into such sharks.

Re: Family Versus Girl - what should you do?

^But the main question is, does the girl in this scenario has any clue about this? Does she know that this is what they think of her family? Because, I doubt that any girl with an ounce of self respect would wish to marry into such a family who clearly don't respect her family. If the objection were based on some valid reason, then one could have understood, but clearly judging someon based on careers, jobs, status, house etc. isn't nice. Even if they aren't educated, I still consider it pretty shallow. Not everyone has the same level of education, and just because someone isn't highly educated it doesn't mean they aren't nice human beings.

Re: Family Versus Girl - what should you do?

^ yes thats what i meant..if she knows....
unfortunately this family in question seems like the type that they will NEVER show their true faces, at least not so early on that she can still get out.

Re: Family Versus Girl - what should you do?

I agree wid Sara :k: