Family dynamics

Lifestyle Relationships
1

So all the married ppl know how much family dynamics can effect u/ur marriage when u enter into a new family.

I have been noticing that the relationship between my FIL and MIL has effected their kids a lot.
They have been seperated a few times during hubby’s childhood and once MIL even took her kids to Pakistan telling FIL that its over.
From what I see MIL has been frustrated over some issues with her in-laws and seems like FIL hasnt spoken up - but not too sure. So when FIL got a job offer in a town far far way from the rest of his family, his took his wife there and they settled down there. In the meantime MIL never got rid of her frustration and problems did occur between her and her husband.

So from what I have seen and heard from hubby, it seems as if FIL has been talking openly to is kids about his wife, how bad she is, etc etc. So their kids actually grew up being effected by their father’s opinion of their mother which in any case would be and is unfair to any parent I think cuz the problems are between the married couple and not between mother and the kids.

Now both my hubby and his sister have this cold attitude towards their mother. Both FIL and MIL are getting older but living alone in a town so far away that it is almost 6 months ago we went there last time to visit them. MIL hasnt complained over us not coming and is generally not saying much these days.

FIL has his routine of being outside of the home, socializing in the mosque or taking care of the local mosque while the only activity of MIL is to stay home, watch TV and perhaps make a few phone calls. FIL wouldnt bother to inform us when MIL is ill so that we can call her on the exact day to ask about her condition. And from what I have seen he has been mocking her when she isnt around stating that she is mentally ill etc.

I actually feel very sorry for my MIL and I am not saying that I want her to move in with us here but it would be nice both for her and us to be living not so far from each other so that we can take care of them.
I just dont know how to convince my hubby on this one as his soft personality becomes very hard when he speaks or hears of his mother. I think its a shame that one’s mother is alive and needs assistance but one isnt able to do it cuz one is totally brainwashed by the father.

I seriously think FIL made a huge mistake by using his kids as a psychologist and letting his frustrations out to them. It has effected the kids so much, that the both times SIL got married she didnt bother to bringer her mother to her wedding in Pakistan and on her second marrige, she didnt even bother to even inform her that she is gonna get married!

I dont want my kids to see this cold atmosphere when they grow up. I try to change it bit by bit, but find it rather difficult when there is noone else to partner up with on this one. My hubby is like the sweetest person alive but isnt able to see his loss in this case which worries me a lot!
I try to create a more positive climate by sending eid gifts, flowers etc on special occassions, calling them etc, but its not an easy thing to do all alone when I am not seeing any change.

On top of my own feelings and thoughts I also feel some social pressure from the desis around asking me why my aging in-laws are living so far away. All my answers to this questions sound like bad excuses and I dont feel comfortable sharing the story with everyone asking!

2

That's sad (. What if you suggested you have your mother in law stay at yours for a visit, would he allow this at all?
Perhaps you could try and influence your hubby's opinion of his mother the way his father did, in a subtle way? this might sound really bad, but perhaps you should try and guilt your hubby a bit about his mum, would tht work!? im sorry i cant come up with better advice!

xxxxxxx

3

Re: Family dynamics

This is so sad. You sound like such a good bahu too...worrying over your in-laws like this. They are lucky people. :)

If I were in your shoes, I would probably start with a gradual change. These things take time but are possible. You should begin by talking about her to your husband casually. Say nice things about her as much as possible...like "your mom was so sweet, she did this for me, did that for me, she said the nicest things about you, told me she missed you today, etc etc etc" Dont lay it all out at once either, lol!

Tell your husband nice things about his mother to soften him up over time...this wont be an overnight thing. Show him her loving side. He will see it...after all...its his mother. No matter how cold his attitude his, he still loves his mother on some level. You just need to reach it.

Thats what I would do.

4

Re: Family dynamics

Chameli, you said you werent exactly sure what the issues were between MIL and FIL. So do you think you have the whole picture here? If i were you, i would talk to your husband first and see what exactly is it that bothers him about his mother. If you want to make a difference, thats where you should start. Then again, be careful how you approach it since your inlaws may take this as an interference in their personal lives.

5

Re: Family dynamics

i know someone who kinda had the same thing going on...her MIL and FIL never got along,although being married for 40 years now....and the worst it did was ruin their kids' (who are now all adults and married with kids of their own) personalities....
the mother used to and even still does brainwash the kids about the father and vice-versa....although in this case the kids kinda lean towards their mom and have negative feelings for the father....
family and friends over the years have tried invain to mend this family's issues....but i guess a lot damage has been done...

i think there is no straight cut solution to your issue too...too much damage has been done and accumulated over the years....but as PSsquared said you can try with little things and hope for things to gradually change...inshallah

the worst any parents can do to their kids is turning them against the either parent...it doesn't matter how huge of a conflict there is between them,its their job to resolve it in a way that it doesnt effect the kids...

6

Well the thing is that my hubby is very close to his father and lately I have begun to make a greater effort towards my MIL than FIL and it seems as if hubby doesnt like it much.

I have taken initiative to send flowers for MIL's birthday while nothing special at FIL's. I have started to tell him to call his mother often and he has commented a few time why I didnt speak much to his father - even though I did speak but FIL has started to speak very shortly with me on phone.

Of course I dont want to jeopardize my own marriage. I just dislike the fact that a mother isnt getting the attention that she must get. Afterall she is their mother. No matter what might have happened in the family, a parent is a parent!

I have had so many serious issues with my own parents that if it was solely depended on my own opinion and feelings I might have cut off all contact at a certain period in my life but we are humans and we all make mistakes. The same goes for our parents!We must be able to forgive each other and move on. But FIL has just brainwashed them:(

7

I know what you mean. Ive seen this happen in my close friends too. The thing is, you have take it slow. Dont do everything at once because they are noticing things changing and obviously not liking it. Its sad to see this happen because this poor woman is probably so lonely right now.

Dont talk to your husband about this directly because in his mind, he might start to associating you with his mother and you dont want that. Instead, do small things here and there. Dont look for results right away...this is a huge gap and will take time to fill.

Take small steps otherwise you will jeopardize your own marriage and your relationship with FIL.

8

eid is coming up...invite your MIL and FIL over along with another family. They will stay polite in front of the other family. Call MIL/FIL at the last minute so they don't have a lot of time to talk about it and cause a prob. You can just tell your husband k haan meri kal baat hori thi tho maine kaha k eid ka din hai..inhe bhi bula leti hoon..like it happened casually...and make sure the other aunty who is there is someone who gets along very well with your MIL.

9

Well said. So far I have been so focused at the relationship between MIL and hubby that I didnt realize that it cud jeopardize my relationship to FIL. Hubby looks up to his father like anyting so it wud just mess up my own marriage.

Thanks!

10

Re: Family dynamics

NP. Hope things work out well, Inshallah.

11

Re: Family dynamics

Its very bad for one parent to criticise another infront of kids.

But its bit strange for me that the kids are cold towards their mom. Coz usually kids side with their mother. May be she had some anger control issues.

12

yeah I am told that she has temper and anger issues. I havent seen much of it myself but I do think that she seems to be much more openminded and open-hearted than my own mum and other desi mothers I have seen around. Like when my SIL got married lately without telling anyone uf us (besides FIL) MIL was just crying over the phone but later on MIL has carried on with her daughter like nothing happened and is fine with her.

I mean if I did that, my mum wouldnt speak to me the rest of my life and tell everyone else to do the same but MIL is kind of forgiving and moving on just after a month or two this happened.

So despite the negative I have been told about her, I still see some positive sides in her but her kids are unable to see that cuz their father keeps commenting her and tells them to keep a distance. He even told me to keep distance. And once my sil was encouraging me to argue with mil so she would stop interferring in my issues. I think issues can be resolved without arguing but they seem to be agressive when it comes to her. hubby still shows respect by keeping silent.

13

curiosity killed the cat

14

and what exactly doesn that mean here????

kainaat
15

Your last statement makes it seem to me as if he still respects her to a degree. That is good start. Chameli, you are doing such a wonderful thing here...reuniting a mother with her child...giving your husband his mother back. He is a lucky guy, hope he realizes it.

I think there might be some room in his heart for her but either he doesnt know it yet or chooses not to acknowledge it. I would think if you even started to put little ideas in each of their heads, it would begin to happen. Like casually mention things..."talking to your mom is so exhausting...all she does is talk about you"...this or similar comments will pique his curiosity to a level and after a while he might start to take interest. Since these bad feelings are years and years old...I would say dont expect anything right away.

Another suggestion: dont address the issue with him head-on. Keep working at this and see how long it takes for him to bring it up to you. It has to come from him because its his mother. If this issue gets raised by you, it could bring a whole host of problems that are unnecessary.

Good luck!

16

OMG amazing agony aunt hai....
hum dono na agony aunts ban jati hain .What do you say?

17

Re: Family dynamics

^ Ji?

18

tora sa damag larao. it will come to you.

here is another one. don't fix it if it is not broken.

reminds me of the drama 'saloni' where she tries to be the saviour of all and tries to fix things and situations and risthas that don't concern her and it all just blows up in her face causing her life headache instead.

19

[quote="haimeradil, post:41, topic:188068"]

tora sa damag larao. it will come to you.

here is another one. don't fix it if it is not broken.

QUOTE]

I didnt understand it.

[quote="haimeradil, post:41, topic:188068"]

here is another one. don't fix it if it is not broken.

QUOTE]
Insaaniyat bhi kissi cheez ka naam hai!

20

Thanks for your good advices:)

Wife complains that my family are boring - What shall I do?