Re: Family dynamics
You're welcome :)
Re: Family dynamics
yay mil fil threads time consuming hotay hain. i will get back to this one seriously after i had my morning walk
yay mil fil threads time consuming hotay hain. i will get back to this one seriously after i had my morning walk
I am waiting:)
Re: Family dynamics
hmm chameli how long have u been married? could it be there are somethings you might not know about your in laws dynamics. For usually it takes more than a whining father to isolate a mother. Somewhat against the norms of our social structure. However how to best deal with it just remind your husband now and then in a polite conversational manner that mothers are the key to jannat and also being a mother you sometimes feel sympathetic towards your MIL. However take care for you do not want a gap to spring up between you and your husband while mending old issues. These feelings tend to linger in kids so be sure to know the reasons for your husbands behaviour.
Re: Family dynamics
Ok today something wicked happened.
We just bought a new car and I told MIL about it. she didnt seem too happy about it but I tried to ignore it and later when hubby was telling her she was being judgemental about those ppl we bought it from cuz she happens to know them.
So I asked hubby what was that about and he goes like 'bakwaas kar rahi thee'. I was shocked to hear these words from him. He is such a well mannered, well behaving person. I still am shocked that he can say such stuff about his own mother!!!
I told him to behave and not to talk like that about her and that he could have said it in a different and more polite way but he just repeated himself saying that bakwaas kar rai thee and thats what she was doing, he said!
I told him to stop being bad tameez and he just didnt say anything after that. I got so turned off and angry but I didnt want to spoil his or my mood either so I kept quiet about that issue but instead I just got angry at him on other issues during the whole evening eventhough he wasnt doing anything wrong at that time.
I feel like I am being stupid to let it effect my own relationship now. I am just so frustrated over this family situation. My MIL doesnt get happy for her kids. FIL makes fun of MIL and wants us to hide stuff from her. SIL being hubby's only sibling is just such a selfish person and only contacts hubby when she needs help from him.
Dont get me wrong.I am not saying that I am the angel of this family and I am perfect. But I just want to see a happy family. A family who is there for each other and share each other's joy and happiness.
I dont like this cold atmosephere where everyone is so cold and rejecting. Most of all I cant get over my husband's bad behaviour this evening and the fact that he didnt seem to regret what he said. I am just so sad to be witnessing such rudeness towards a parent and I fear that one day hubby will get it back from our children:(
Re: Family dynamics
Im so sorry to hear that Chameli. I think there are some underlying issues you dont know of between this family. It seems like there is some deeper misunderstanding between your MIL and her children and husband. The anger comes out towards her in small bitter snaps from everyone and is constant. The thing is, what can you do?
Remember hun, if you get involved in this too much you will become a part of it. You will be forced to pick sides so dont put yourself in that situation. I know it makes you angry...she is his mother...gave birth to him, raised him, etc. You are a mother too or will be one day Inshallah. Let this weekend's issue die down for a bit...let hubby cool down first because an angry mind doesnt understand reason.
Then talk to him. Dont get mad at him...just ask him what the problem is. There should be no distraction or interruptions when you speak to him about this.
chameli....i wish i could help you....but as i recently got married n i also dont have MIL so dont know how to deal with inlaws issue....
i dont wana advice u and ruin ur marriage as these relationships r fragile....
Re: Family dynamics
so sweet of you zilentzpring:)
thanks.
I know that there are underlying issues here and I cant solve them over one day. but I just hope that they can show love to each other and be a warm family. damn its so frustrating to be part of such a family. not that I came from a perfect family.
I think all families have their issues dont they...
the other day I was cleaning the papers and going through each paper to see if it was worth keeping or not. I accidently read my SIL's will that she had given to hubby. She had not mentioned me in any way. she only has her brother and parents and was referring to them with regard to sharing her stuff. I have never expected to get anything from her but it was just 'funny' how that piece of paper outlined that she doesnt see me as a family member. it was kind of excluding!When she needs me, she starts saying that I am her sister and blah blah. but I guess that these kind of situations really show you how others feel about you. well I am not surprised but the feeling of being excluded isnt really nice when you have to act like you are family....
isnt it a weird rishta that despite being in family u r not in family.....
Re: Family dynamics
chameli.... i know how u exactly feel even though i am not going through the same situation but there r things that i did come across that were hidden about the family....like whats happening in the house.....which shows me i am not part of 'them'....certain things that i cant mention this public forum.....
but u know what....i dont really care abt it
let 'em hide.....i'll have less things to worry abt ;)
as for ur MIL....mayb jst mayb that will was written way before she developed this relationship or parhaps she thinks u r like one of them....pretending to be all nice and caring abt ur MIL and actually u r one of 'em
Surely Allah knows what is hidden in her heart
No dear I was referring to my SILs will not my MIL. and again its not cuz I expect anything from anyone of them but it just made it so clear that I am not part of the family despite sacrifising a lot for their sake!!!!!!
Re: Family dynamics
sorry my bad!
but chameli dear as much as i know about islam i dont think SIL needs to mention u in her will..... i mean u r her sister in law not a REAL siblings.
why r u hurt
sorry my bad!
but chameli dear as much as i know about islam i dont think SIL needs to mention u in her will..... i mean u r her sister in law not a REAL siblings.
why r u hurt
no dear i m not hurt cuz she didnt mention me cuz i know she doesnt have to in islam..
its just that she uses me by saying I am like her sister but that kind of papers really shows that we are not sibllings...sorry I m exhausted right now to explain...
**Usually while growing up in a Muslim Household children are taught that Jannah is under ones Mother's feet................
so I wonder what happened, doesn't your hubby know that...........?
may be he needs to be reminded on a daily basis...........if it is not too late for the lost time..................:(
**
you know how u can contribute to this family.. by bringing up ur children the way u think a family should be..and if ur MIL's children cannot love her, her Grand children surely can.. this is what u can do for ur mil..tell ur chidren to be affectionate,respectful, loving and caring towards their grand parents, BOTH
you know how u can contribute to this family.. by bringing up ur children the way u think a family should be..and if ur MIL's children cannot love her, her Grand children surely can.. this is what u can do for ur mil..tell ur chidren to be affectionate,respectful, loving and caring towards their grand parents, BOTH
Yes this is what I am intending too but I am afraid that my children will see how rude their paternal cousin is to their paternal grandmother. My SIL’s kid speak just as rude to MIL as SIL does. Obviously kids learn what they see!!
I am sure my husband will support me in raising the kids appropriately but being ‘part’ of such a family somehow would have an effect on our kids too…
My SIL’s kid speak just as rude to MIL as SIL does. Obviously kids learn what they see!!
this is becoz children learn alot from their mother.. Ur SIL"s child behaves exactly how his mother behaves.. this is the reason i am sure that ur positivity will definitly reflect in ur children's personalities.. i have myself seen very closely in my very near relatives that the children are really nice, cultured and successful just becoz of their mother despite of the fact that their father and his whole whole family is simply a bunch of evils. but the children all five of them are gr8.. be happy:)
this is becoz children learn alot from their mother.. Ur SIL"s child behaves exactly how his mother behaves.. this is the reason i am sure that ur positivity will definitly reflect in ur children's personalities.. i have myself seen very closely in my very near relatives that the children are really nice, cultured and successful just becoz of their mother despite of the fact that their father and his whole whole family is simply a bunch of evils. but the children all five of them are gr8.. be happy:)
ohh thanks..it really helped:)
I just found out that some of the underlying issues are that MIL gives badduas to her own children that they should die..its just so sad..she prays for her own children's death...I think she need a psychiatrist..its a difficult situation to cope with.please pray for the whole family.
no dear i m not hurt cuz she didnt mention me cuz i know she doesnt have to in islam..
its just that she uses me by saying I am like her sister but that kind of papers really shows that we are not sibllings...sorry I m exhausted right now to explain...
ok so let me explain this ....
my sil usually would act so nice and then she would say that oh u r like my own sister and then she would ask me to do stuff for her in front of my husband and if I wud say no I wud seem like the evil one in front of hubby so she takes full advantage of me/us. BUT when it comes to her she never bothers to do anything for me. she never called even ONCE to ask how I was doing when I am home in so many months due to illness. and then recently again she tried to take advantage of us..that just pisses me off!!! and when a person like her keeps saying oh u r like my sis but at the end of the day shows you thorugh her behaviour and then explicitly through her will that she really doesnt consider u as a sister its just a werid feeling to realize that I am not part of that family and yet I still have to sacrifice a lot for them....but for what sake???
Re: Family dynamics
Chameli dear....frm my 4 months of relationship i have learnt it very well that DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING FROM INLAWS ~ here i am not trying to say that they are mean/evil and they misbehaved with me.....masallah all are senseable ladies but there were small things such as calling each other....upon my husband's request i would always call 'em but never for once they called me to say hi and NOT even on eid (none of them called me).....it jst made me realize that no matter what they say they cant be your real sisters....
as for MIL i think she is at a point where mother feels helpless....i am sure in the past she mst have done things which was not fair but right now i think she needs help which u r already doing.....
as i said earlier i dont have a MIL so i am not sure how its like to have one..... (after reading / listening to all MIL problems i really think am i blessed?)
Re: Family dynamics
Yes, you are truly such an caring and loving bahoo, sharing private matters in public. Thumbs up :)