I got married and out of, let’s say my entire family of (estimated) 100 people, only the local ones showed up, which were less than 10 people. Everyone else, seems like they boycotted me. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING has happened between me and my family for them to not come. They all made excuses- work, school, bs bs whatever.
I feel hurt and betrayed as I have to every.single.one of their big events such as marriages, babies birth, haqeeqas, surgeries etc etc. When it was my time for them to be there for me, they weren’t there. My guests, were his immediate family, parents, and our friends.
I barely have spoken to one of my cousins since, and that too, only when she reaches out, I never do.
Am I over reacting to not keep in touch with them anymore? It’s not like they have reached out to me, except that one girl. I feel, if I have been there for you when you needed me, regardless the reason, and you can’t do the same for me, what else is there for us to talk/keep in touch about?
At my brothers wedding, all of my relatives were present but not participating. They were mourning for some unknown reasons. But later at my other cousins wedding they were expecting that we fully participate and even dress according to their choice. I will never forget what my relatives did at my brother wedding. since that day i have decided i will do same. We caused no harm to anyone.
Weddings are one of those once in a lifetime things and if you're not a priority then don't make them a priority as well. Blood doesn't make things unconditional. Pick and choose whatever events you want to attend and stay away when you don't feel like it. Keep them low on your events diary.
Happened the same to us, but in Pak. Some relatives didn't come (probably didn't wanna spend money, time etc) and made various excuses (all typical bs). Either money, or the jealousy/hatred that we're settled abroad and don't give free money to them all the time.
Guess what, now I don't care if they live, die, or whatever. They don't exist anymore for me and wifey. Not a cent worth of aid for them.
absolutely not an overreaction, that's pretty horrible of them. Was it on very short notice? Did no one say anything? What did your parents say, were they reaching out to them before the wedding asking if they'd come (I know desis aresobad at the RSVP thing)
a year ago. and since then, they have barely made any attempts to talk/meet, so I haven't either. There have been times when they were in the same city (and visited my uncle who lives close by) but not me. Normally, I would be blowing up their phone to meet, this time, not a peep from me, cuz I'm still upset.
absolutely not an overreaction, that's pretty horrible of them. Was it on very short notice? Did no one say anything? What did your parents say, were they reaching out to them before the wedding asking if they'd come (I know desis aresobad at the RSVP thing)
they were given several months.. And a few of my cousins had texted/called saying congrats, and that they couldn't make it cuz of work, and/or school.. which is BS cuz when THEY had events, school/work was the last thing on my mind, and i made it there, no matter the time frame.. my parents did reach out to every one of them and asked them to come and that we needed them more, they're family after all.. and they all made up their sorry excuses.
Let me give you two examples of those sorry excuses.
my cousin and her husband (who is also my cousin) couldn't come because he had a conference to go to, to talk about homeopathy medicine which is a 3 hour drive away from wher i live/where the wedding was. but apparently there wasn't enough time to come down here although the conference was for a few hours, and he stayed there a few days.
my cousin and his wife came down for a BIRTHDAY PARTY of his wife's brothers kid, which was one hour away from me. they didnt come to see me or my husband, to welcome him to the family. he never even congratulated me. Yet, when this particular cousin got married (twice), I was present at both weddings, and anyone can tell you, that I - akaprincess, was the single one person who danced the most at this wedding out of sheer happiness for my family.
So, recently, his kid had a birthday party they wanted me to attend, I didnt even reply. How dare he expect me to be at his kids party when he never even acknowledged i got married and he has a (new) cousin (in-law) in the family ?
I'm sorry that does really suck and you hae every right to be upset with them (i'm Mrs Saieen).
People make time for the ones they care for, if you dont' care about someone you just...don't. It's a painful reality, that we can put in so much effort and not get it back but the best thing you can do is to just accept it and move on. That is really awful behavior from them and I'm sorry you went through that. Focus your attention and affection on those who truly matter.
I guess I'm just trying to deal.. I am an only child, and my entire life, my cousins (and aunts/uncles) were everything to me after my parents... and to lose that, was a big hit.
And we never talked about it either. so I guess that makes it worse.. I don't even know if they know I'm upset, which would be pretty stupid of them in my opinion, but then again, everyone's thinking is different, so maybe in their mind everything is fine? I don't know and I'm in no mood to reach out, cuz I am not at fault.. There is no reason for them to do what they did.. the entire family? I mean COME ON ... clearly they don't want me in their lives.. so be it
to add fuel to the fire, there have been plenty of times when my mom would call my cousin for example cuz she got a new job or to ask about her health etc, and she never once replied to my moms calls and voicemails, and when she would ask my aunt (my ocusins mom) her mom would just say “oh, you know how she is, shes busy etc etc” … right.. we are all busy, we too breathe, we too drive, we too eat, we are just liek you, yet we make the time for a phone call, and you cant?
what burned me was when MY MOM was sick at the hospital yet, she made the time to call said cousin to congratulate my cousin on a promotion. that B#$(%#*@ didnt have the decency to call my mom back and say thanks, or even ask my mom how she was feeling. THAT was the last straw for me. my mom said leave it and to let it go, its not a big deal.. but to me, thats a big deal. a sick person who is admitted in the hospital forgot about themserlves to ask about you and join you in your happiness, and you cant even ask why they are in the hospital in the first place? hell no, thats not forgivable.
The entire khandan against you for some unknown reason? There has to be something more to the story. One or two families doing it unnecessarily is digestible, but not the entire khandan.
^^ That's the thing !!!! NOTHING has happened for them to act this way, that's why I am even more upset. if something happened, a fight, whatever, then it would be a different scenario, but nothing's happened.
^^ That's the thing !!!! NOTHING has happened for them to act this way, that's why I am even more upset. if something happened, a fight, whatever, then it would be a different scenario, but nothing's happened.
Then you need to step up and try to find out what happened instead of being angry. Maybe there was a misunderstanding somewhere. They are family. They are worth fighting for not against.
It sounds like you are way more invested in this relationship than they are.
What I have noticed is that relationships change with age and time...people get married, rearrange their priorities, become self involved and forget the people who were once everything to them. This is bad but also natural.
If its been a year and they haven't bothered to contact you or even so much as find out what the problem is...then its pretty clear: they do not care.
In which case, you need to learn the art of taking things in stride. Yeah, its hard but so anything else in life.
That's awful! I would be upset too. Call a few neutral people to find out. If nothing comes up, then forget them and build relationships with the scant few who care. This is life. Nowadays, people have become quite commercial, socializing only where they can network.
^^ you guys are the neutral party I told this story to, to see if maybe I was over reacting ...
And yes, I have done just that, it still hurts, but I stopped making an effort because no one seems to care, so there's no need for me to.
Yesterday I went to see my mom, she recently had a really bad fall and scared my dad and I alot by it. Her own brother (my mammu) who lives about 10 min away from my mom, didn't bother to see her, he called though, so good for him I guess, he did his due diligence in his eyes. But in my eyes, he should have come over to see his sister.
I got mad naturally, and what did my mom say? "I raised my brothers (she's the eldest), I love my family, so if I am not doing any giley shikwey, why are you? They are busy in their lives." And I said, cuz thats not right, they are "family" right? they are supposed to be there for you when you need them. and if they cant be there for YOU, my mother, then who the hell are they to me? I won't keep relations with them
^^ you guys are the neutral party I told this story to, to see if maybe I was over reacting ...
And yes, I have done just that, it still hurts, but I stopped making an effort because no one seems to care, so there's no need for me to.
Yesterday I went to see my mom, she recently had a really bad fall and scared my dad and I alot by it. Her own brother (my mammu) who lives about 10 min away from my mom, didn't bother to see her, he called though, so good for him I guess, he did his due diligence in his eyes. But in my eyes, he should have come over to see his sister.
I got mad naturally, and what did my mom say? "I raised my brothers (she's the eldest), I love my family, so if I am not doing any giley shikwey, why are you? They are busy in their lives." And I said, cuz thats not right, they are "family" right? they are supposed to be there for you when you need them. and if they cant be there for YOU, my mother, then who the hell are they to me? I won't keep relations with them
We aren't neutral party. We only know your side of the story. Be mad at them if you want to be but don't poison your mother against them. If she is willing to ignore the bad stuff let her. Maintaining ties of kinship is important.
