Inspired by CM’s post in the stop being friends if your husband/wife tells you to thread, do girls or even guys really fall in love with the person they are going to have an arranged marriage to?
If so, how and kind of why or what makes them?
Re: falling in love
'course they do. I'm sure the parents of 99% of the guppies had an arranged marriage.
Re: falling in love
Personally believe its all about perception and what you want to believe. How can a woman or a man who has only known one individual truly know they are the best for each other and that they are truly in love. You can't. But to fall within the stereotypical boundaries of how society, bollywood and their friends define a relationship they believe they are in fact in love. Now this is not to say people do not find true love in arranged marriages. They do and its equally possible you find your love while dating. But additionally you do not love everybody you date. Ow. My brain hurts.]
Girls in Pakistani society are brainwashed to believe their marriage is their end all and be all of existence. That they have to have this fairytale environment when it comes to love and a married life. That would also explain in my opinion the increasing number of divorce in Pakistan due to unhealthy and unnatural expectations of married life.
In an arranged marriage where you have no contact with him or her how can you fall in love. But this is not gonna happen over the 4 or 5 months of the engagement period. That is just a woman or a man forcing themselves to conform to societal stereotypes of what they wish their marriage to be. That is why I find it every odd on this forum when girls post they have been engaged for 2 months but are already head over heels in love with their partners. This is not the US or EU where you get engaged and spend hours dating, going out and getting to know each other. It is basically romanticized version of what they wish it would be.
Re: falling in love
i think arranged marriage is safer. with it the elders are involved and get along well and they make sure all the checkboxes are ticked when it comes to compatibility and family background
with dating there's a risk that one might fall in love and the other isn't at all interested. it leads to heartache for one. when it comes to "love" marriage you rarely check family background and all the other important factors that make a marriage work. we just put all the emphasis on loooooooooooove and forget about everything else
what exactly does it feel like when somebody loves you, or how does that person treat you? i have no clue but caring and respect can develop with arranged marriage too which i think are more important than this fictitious 'love' which is something that hollywood/bollywood/lollywood created nothing more.
Re: falling in love
I am all for the arranged marriage thing, I was talking more about the why do people fall in love, or think they have done when they don't know them?
CM it seems as though you have thought this through, but then perhaps it is just a kind of infatuation? Lol, what are you talking about, ofcourse it is the be all & end all :-p I have however, seen this with every example ever of girls that are engaged. The guys don't actually seem all that concerned. It bothers me, that how can somebody you don't even know bother you so much?
Re: falling in love
I had love marriage, elders were involved - whole family participated. My family is happy, she is happy and so i am happy too.
Now tell what is the difference between arrange & love marriage ?
Re: falling in love
if u fall in love or decide to marry with a right guy & urmind will define right features never ever u will fail...
wether its Love or arranged if its going on bases of nonsence factors it will end with real divorce or emotion divorce!
for my own i had a love marriage which we checked with our parents standards & also ours so we grow up relation & ended with a Happy marriage...im in nikah from 2 years back & i love my Hubby too much as same as he does...i face these qs always due to my special way of marriage that if still im happy ? dont i have any problem?
main is wether its Love or Arranged main is that u know sometimes in life there will something coming to u...always u should be ready to welcome any issues or clashes...Love doesnt mean i shouldnt feel any problem or issues in my life but Love means to handle issues with partner...
Come out from dream ...real life is that u both belong to 2 familes & raise & adopt diffrent even if its love it doesnt mean he should kill himself to show u that he loves u? wat abt when u should show ur love?
i hate when in love some ppl ask their demands in form of "FOR sake of Our Love" why not he/she wont go according this romantic slang to do first by him...
Matter is u should select with open eyes & also have devotion & understand eachother thats all abt love...it can be be4 or after nikah thats not issue!
Re: falling in love
yes, u can fall in love...all the way into a PIT and can't get out of it in ONE PIECE and with PEACE! hehe ;)
Re: falling in love
Love with the person who is going to marry you is longlasting, pure and beneficial in many ways.
Love with the person you do not even know will marry you, is bound to either fail or give heartache.
Take a pick.
Re: falling in love
Diwana is absolutely right.
Re: falling in love
Personally believe its all about perception and what you want to believe. How can a woman or a man who has only known one individual truly know they are the best for each other and that they are truly in love. You can't. But to fall within the stereotypical boundaries of how society, bollywood and their friends define a relationship they believe they are in fact in love. Now this is not to say people do not find true love in arranged marriages. They do and its equally possible you find your love while dating. But additionally you do not love everybody you date. Ow. My brain hurts.]
Girls in Pakistani society are brainwashed to believe their marriage is their end all and be all of existence. That they have to have this fairytale environment when it comes to love and a married life. That would also explain in my opinion the increasing number of divorce in Pakistan due to unhealthy and unnatural expectations of married life.
In an arranged marriage where you have no contact with him or her how can you fall in love. But this is not gonna happen over the 4 or 5 months of the engagement period. That is just a woman or a man forcing themselves to conform to societal stereotypes of what they wish their marriage to be. That is why I find it every odd on this forum when girls post they have been engaged for 2 months but are already head over heels in love with their partners. This is not the US or EU where you get engaged and spend hours dating, going out and getting to know each other. It is basically romanticized version of what they wish it would be.
Epic truth.
Re: falling in love
"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing." - Goethe
Re: falling in love
Love with the person who is going to marry you is longlasting, pure and beneficial in many ways.
Love with the person you do not even know will marry you, is bound to either fail or give heartache.
Take a pick.
U are right Diwana
Re: falling in love
They do fall in love. And they fall head over heels in love. Its not an unreasonable expectation. It IS if you expect it happen overnight.
Love after marriage grows and builds. Love before can (not always) be the fiery kind that starts like a bonfire but then slowly reduces to ashes.
It happens all the time...you just have be very patient with this kind of love. :)
Re: falling in love
Do people have long affair with dogs, cat before adapting?
Re: falling in love
Love with the person who is going to marry you is longlasting, pure and beneficial in many ways.
Love with the person you do not even know will marry you, is bound to either fail or give heartache.
Take a pick.
**ise kahte haiN...GUNAH BE-LAZZAT...
mere Dad ka ek she'r hai:
yehi suboot hai dunyaa ke shoGhl-e-be_jaa kaa
k muzmaHil hai tabii'at nashaat-e-kaar ke ba'd!
meaning: in this world, this is the absolute proof that ur conscience feels TERRIBLE after every unlawful/unjust pleasure-seeking act.**
Re: falling in love
yes they do fall in love, take my example. mine is arrange marriage. i only saw his pic before nikah. in start i was bit angry. one reason was financial difference between his and my family. his familys life style habbits very different from mine. he used to joke around and i took it seriuosly everytime bcz i did not know him that well. but now i love him bcz i know how nice he is. but it took long time 5 years. one reason why it took so long is that out of those 5 years we only spent about 1/2 of the time together. for rest of time we lived in different countries due to our circumstances.
its been 7 years now , and i am so happy that Allah gave me such a nice husband.
Re: falling in love
Bingo. 5 years. You don't fall in love in 2 months. That is the point we are all making. It takes time, hard work, respect, affection and honesty to get to that stage. You don't fall in love in 2 months in an arranged marriage.
Oh yes Diwana is also right.
Re: falling in love
The easiest and the most effective way would be to spare few moments out of our busy routine to study the "marriage stories" of our mutual/ respective ideals. I am sure we all would agree that they do deserve a bit of time. The more we study them in detail, the more our vision and doubts are cleared of how our LORD wants us to make this important decision of our life. I wouldn't go into the details, because that might not be easy to digest for some of us because of how media has trained our thinking process over the past few decades. I sometimes feel really ashamed that people like me know more about the love stories of celebrities than our ideals. It is even irritating to mention both of them in the same sentence let alone the comparison between the two. What did a Prophet/Suhabi used to consider/do before taking the decision of marriage....? In other words, in order to "fall in love"...?
Just a guilty feeling...
Re: falling in love
i think arranged marriage is safer. with it the elders are involved and get along well and they make sure all the checkboxes are ticked when it comes to compatibility and family background
with dating there's a risk that one might fall in love and the other isn't at all interested. it leads to heartache for one. when it comes to "love" marriage you rarely check family background and all the other important factors that make a marriage work. we just put all the emphasis on loooooooooooove and forget about everything else
what exactly does it feel like when somebody loves you, or how does that person treat you? i have no clue but caring and respect can develop with arranged marriage too which i think are more important than this fictitious 'love' which is something that hollywood/bollywood/lollywood created nothing more.
I think it's a bit naive to think an arranged marriage is "safer".
Also, from what I have seen, parents actually often neglect to do their research properly in terms of family background. And compatibility with the actual potential spouse is often overlooked. Most parents become so preoccupied in just wanting to marry their child, they miss a lot of stuff.
Both can work if you go about it the right way.