My in-laws are decent people. I have never really had any major issues with them other than my youngest sis-in-law who is ill mannered but she is that way in general and not just with me.
My mother had open heart surgery in mid-November and my mother-in-law and father-in-law were in England attending a family wedding when her surgery took place. It is understandable that they didn’t come to the hospital to see her because they were in England. Two weeks after her surgery, they came back home.
It has now been 3 weeks since they came back and my mother-in-law has not gone to see her yet. I am so hurt and upset by this. She says she is waiting for my husband to take her but he was busy with school and had his exams so it is understandable he could not take her. She could have asked her husband (my father-in-law) or her daughter (my sister-in-law) to take her but she hasn’t. They are always home and could easily drop her to my mom’s home for a visit and pick her up. My mom only lives a 15 min drive away.
I cannot take her because I don’t drive and also I am staying with my mother for a few weeks to help her during recovery as all she has is me.
I am extremely hurt and upset by their lack of consideration. I understand that they know my mother is ok and alhumdolilah the surgery went well, but just because she is doing fine doesn’t excuse them for not going to see her. It is not everyday that someone has such a serious surgery. If it was the other way around my mother would certainly have visited anyone from their family.
In my family, we always visit someone who was in the hospital for something serious. Either we go to the hospital or go to their home right after they are discharged. This is just proper etiquette and it shows you respect and care enough to come, even if just for a short visit.
What do you think of their behaviour? I personally do not think it is right. This is not just anyone’s mother. It is their daughter-in-law’s mother and that is a pretty close relation!
I don't know the proper etiquette but I know there are those who would feel overwhelmed with so many visitors so soon after a medical procedure, maybe your MIL doesnt want to impose.
OP has she rang and spoke to your mother or is ur mum not well enough yet to speak on the phone? Maybe they dont want to impose? Do they actively ask if how ur mother is etc have you spoke to your husband about it? It could be they dont want to impose, or it could be theyre just being lazy but do speak to ur hubby as you already spoke to mother in law,
No, my mother is doing very well, Alhumdolilah. Other than a bit of weekness, she can talk fine, do things for herself etc. She just needs some of my help with cleaning and cooking because she gets tired more easily.
Several people have come to visit her. We don't have much family but whatever little family and friends we have - they have ALL come to visit my mom. It is not imposing because when people visit someone for this purpose they don't come at lunch or dinner time (they come in between) and also don't stay very long either.
Trust me her reason for not coming is not because she does not want to impose, but rather all she cares about is her own CONVENIENCE! One should not care about that when it comes to going to see someone who just had heart surgery. She could easily ask her husband or daughter to take her but she doesn't want to!
Also if you notice, the only person I am complaining about is my mother-in-law even though if you think about it my sister-in-laws should come to. But they don't have the sense to know that you are supposed to do these sort of things. If it was the reverse and it was my sis-in-law's mother in law, I would have gone to visit her. It just sucks that people are so inconsiderate. The person I am mad at the most is my mother-in-law because up until this happened, I actually had a LOT of respect for her and I would never have expected her to be like this.
Hmm bit tricky i know she should deffo have gone to see ur mother its not very nice that she hasnt what has your hubby said? What about father in law has he not suggested to pay a visit. I would be upset if someone for thier own convenience didnt think to visit if my family member went through major surgery. But thats families for you, my sister was at deaths door and mashallah shes well now and recovered but we realised then who actually makes the time and effort. Try not to get too upset about it, you dont want your mum to see u down and hurt while shes unwell aswell hug
Yes, my mother-in-law did call her and talk to her on the phone and even said "I will come visit you" but nothing.
Honestly, it is easy to pick up the phone and call someone but if she truly cared and had respect for my mother she would have come to visit. This is just sending a message that "your mother is not important enough for me to come....I'd rather wait as long as it takes and come when it is convenient for me."
I find that very upsetting. No I have not told her how I feel. I don't know how she will take it. I am not good with those type of confrontations anyway. I normally just get emotional and then it ends badly so I dont want to say anything but I don't know how to let her know I feel hurt by this.
My mother and I have taken 3 buses to go visit my second cousin's mother-in-law when she was in the hospital. That is not even as close a relation as this is but we still did it because that is what good human beings do!
I can understand how you Are feeling ..but just ignore all this don't think too much about them.
Just Thank Allah to give your mom a successful surgery and spend your time with your mom.
Parents are sooooo anmol..don't waste your time and engery to think about your inwalsz
.Take care of your mom.and when ever you meet your inlaws just act like nothing has happened.
You start off with saying your in-laws are decent people…and then move on to say that your MIL only thinks of her own convenience (which is another way of saying self-centered) and that your SIL is ill-mannered. Contradicts the “decent”, I tease…maybe they’re decent in other ways. :halo:
What YOU see as NOT being an imposition…may be viewed as an imposition by another person. Perhaps your MIL wants to wait until your mother is stronger before she visits. Even though the person may not be coming for lunch or dinner…sometimes an ill person doesn’t have the energy (or even the desire) to deal with visitors. I know I’m like that…if I’m sick…I’m not too keen on visitors…even relos. So, it could be that our MIL is showing consideration and will visit at a later point.
***Now, let’s assume that you are right in that your MIL hasn’t visited because it isn’t convenient for HER. Would you really want someone like that who lacks social graces and sensitivity to come and visit your mother? If your MIL cannot be considerate in your and your mother’s absence…then what if she behaves in an even more offensive manner if she were to visit you? Let’s say that she visits your mother…and she only stays for a few minutes and then leaves…or let’s say that she talks mainly about herself and shows little interest in your mother’s well being…let’s say that her body language is offensive? Perhaps there is some “behtari/good” in your MIL staying at home…it could be that if she had visited you guys…she would have left your mother feeling even more hurt/upset with her behavior and having just had surgery, she doesn’t need that stress. Isn’t that another way of looking at the situation? There are some people (family friends and relos) whom…frankly speaking…i’d be more relieved if they didn’t participate so actively in happy and stressful occasions…cuz their presence only aggravates the situation.
Has your husband visited your MIL even though he's busy with school/studying? I hope he has. I'd be more offended if my spouse didn't visit. I think that if one has a good marriage...it makes in-laws issues easier to bear.....if your partner is no better than them, that's a real chitty situation.
ps. no matter how busy your husband is, he should have taken the initiative to take his mother to visit your mother. He should be able to take an hour or 2 out for this purpose, it won't fail him.
Anyway, at this time you should focus on taking care of your mother.
^Agree. Just focus on taking care of your mother. If she sees you looking worried over your MIL...or hears you complaining about your in-laws.....it's only going to stress her out even more. She doesn't need that.
If my mom or dad had a health issue....I honestly would not care whether or not my in-laws visited them. My one and ONLY focus would be the health of my parent. I will be there for him/her. Whether or not someone else chooses to be there is not my concern.....especially people who are not blood related.
Your mother had a serious health issue and seems to be doing well. I'm amazed that you wasted even a single minute of your time and energy over this issue of your in-laws. Your mother's health issue should be a stark reminder to you as to how short life is. Instead of worrying about things you have no control over (ie. your in-laws behavior).....you need to focus ALL your energy on your mother....and cherish the time YOU have with her.
Candy_apple, dont worry yaar. These things happen in almost every 2nd home. Take care of your mother, for which you will be rewarded in both worlds. Least expect from others.
Every one’s mother is close to one’s heart. You have rightfully felt hurt when there is no one else to take care of her too. But expecting others, especially your INLAWS that they might or they should feel the same way or even lesser or normal concern about your mother, and come and see her, will be an unrealistic assumption. Not necessarily will our pain make others cry too. Ask your mom if you can, how would she have felt if she were in your shoes (about your MIL not coming and visiting your mom) and I believe she would say it was alright. Its all about being a bigger person and be easy to forgive and forget. After all, for anything, your MIL if had come to acquire after your mom’s health, that would have been a nice gesture on her part. But now when she hasn’t, (for the reasons you cannot determine really, could be any thing… negligence, sloth, lack of time or insensitivity, whatever) why do you spoil these blissful days you are spending with your mother, taking care of her. Taking care of sick people and acquiring after their health is a rightful part of sunnah, and when it comes to your own mother, cannot even guess at the reward Allah SWT has prepared for you. I think from our side, and for your own consolation, isnt this much enough for your satisfaction and happiness that you have been useful to the person most important in your life and for that reason, most important in Allah’s gaze too.
And you know what, I think your inlaws are not that bad as at least they have let you stay with your mom and take care of her. I would count that as a blessing. What if your MIL had issues and displeasure with your staying over at your mom and taking care of her. Things would have been worse then, no?
Take even more care of your mom and relish every moment you are spending in her khidmat. You are lucky to have been a caring child, even after your marriage. :flower:
Visit your MIL, give her and her daughter (your SIL) a beautiful gift from your mother's side. Be very nice and loving, and tell her that your mom said "Salam" to you, and she misses a lot your loving company, but due to weakness, the doctors would strictly disallow her to leave the hospital. (She would inshaAllah realize her mistake).
It is better to not expect. Naturally we all do, but we need to repeatedly give justifications to our heart in favor of our relative, and to not think negatively about them. Try thinking one by one all the good your MIL did to you and your family all these years. She is a human and at times due to daily life problems and commitments one (unintentionally) isn't as sensitive to other's feelings/situations as one should be.
More than her attitude your expectation is dangerous, if not dealt with. Because it has already bottled up and lead to your depression. Next, it would lead to anger and then revenge. This insect of sorrow in your heart, if not squashed immediately, would keep growing and become a dragon one day. Then, it won't get killed that easily, as it can NOW. Dress well, get fresh and happy and get your MIL her favourite gift.
She is just your MIL, a lot better than many. Allah (swt) is saying the following for your worst enemy.
**
Not equal is the good response and the bad response. You shall resort to the nicest possible response. Thus, the one who used to be your enemy, may become your best friend.**
I tease…maybe they’re decent in other ways. :halo: