Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
Oh God, now it sound bollywoodish!
No, not the whole story, just the twist.
j/k
Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
Wow, can I befriend these relatives?!?!? 
Whenever my Ammi (allah swt unko jannat naseeb karray!) used to go back and visit Khi, she’d stay at her cousin’s daughter’s home (as my whole immediate naniyal is settled here in the states)…The grandson of said niece used to always request the most outlandish things, but we would always oblidge, as the family always selflessly hosts us, takes care of of every little thing we could ever need, and we just love them to bits…anyhoo…when my Ammi was taking her last trip to pakistan before she got ill, we got a lamba chora email from the kid with his list (usually harmless things like video games, clothes, watch, techy accessories for his laptop etc…) but on this particular list, he asked for some Ericsson cell phone (this is before Iphone mania swept the world)..my blissfully ignorant Ammi forwarded the email to my husband and asked him to pick it up…turns out the phone retailed in the US for $750 (at the time) 
When my husband brought this to my mom’s attention, her response was “Saaalay ke dimagh gharab hogaya hai!!! Samajtha kya hain apnay aap ko!!! Mujhay kya paagal kuttay ne kaata hai ke bachay ke liyay itna mahaninga phone khareedoongi? Ho kya gaya hai iss duniya ko…dhat terayki (you may have to be hyderabadi to get that phrase)”
Jokes aside…don’t let yourself get caught up in kis ke paas kya hai…no good will come from it, and envy can turn in to a bitter disease that will eat you away from the inside.
Chin up!
Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
I guess I do sound very jealous don't I? It really doesn't affect me directly, this has been going on for years. Actually those relatives abroad are visiting Pak these days, and they came over and were complaining about how they are being forced to buy their Paki relatives expensive gifts, and how they have to cut back on their own family expenses to buy these things, as they are not very well off themselves. Not only gifts, they are being forced to pay for university fees, daily household expenses and weddings as well. My aunt taking the money says it's their duty to do this. They wanted my mom to somehow interfere, but she doesn't want to as it is their family matter.
I felt bad for them, seeing how people are using them for their advantage. Guess that instead of sounding jealous, I should just be grateful I can afford what I want on my own with my money.
Here's the thing - no one is as bechara as they seem. If the abroad relative doesn't want to buy the expensive gift, then they should just say no. Yes, the Pakistani relative may "expect" it - but if they can't afford the gadget or gizmo, an expectation is not a compulsion - say no and stand firm.
But, the abroad relative should also not expect the Pakistani relative to spend money on them. Hosting an out-of-town guest, cooking and mehmaandaari is quite expensive for most people. Inflation is so high in Pakistan and the cost of food, electricity and petrol which a guest may take for granted does add up. For a middleclass family, having to incur an extra 10-20,000 rps expense to host guests might be a burden that most guests take for granted because they think that ghar to baap/daada ka tha, to us mein rehnay ka haq unka banta hai. Fine, but then the guests should be sensitive to limited budgets of their hosts.
Oh, and the above concern about financial expense applies to people visiting in the US/Canada/UK as well. Sometimes guests have such extravagant expectations for when they visit and they fail to realize that their visit might be a financial burden on their hosts.
Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
^ excellent post Sehrysh! Whenever I go to Khi, no matter where I'm staying (my chacha's, taiyas, MIL's, mom's cousins place....wherever!) I always try to make myself as less of a burden as possible. I pay my own way, my own taxi fees, my own little food items/sundries/expenses...I also help out as much as I can in the household...and try to treat the host families as much as I can (dinners, outings, gifts)
Like you said, it really is not easy to take on extended guests these days...small courtesies go a long way
Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
Not only do we pay our own way but we end up paying for extravagant dinners at restaurants where our local friends may not otherwise be able to go.
And when we leave we always leave behind an envelope with Rs 25,000 or Rs 35,000 for the increase in the groceries, electricity, water and phone bills at the home we stayed.
on the flip side we have hosted family from Pakistan that expect to be shown around the town including tickets to attractions that end up being quite expensive...........and we are expected to afford it all.
because yahan dollars darakt pay ugtay hain na......
Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
Not only do we pay our own way but we end up paying for extravagant dinners at restaurants where our local friends may not otherwise be able to go.
And when we leave we always leave behind an envelope with Rs 25,000 or Rs 35,000 for the increase in the groceries, electricity, water and phone bills at the home we stayed.
We do the exact same thing. Hire our own driver and never expect our hosts to chauffeur us around. We pay for dinner out at nicer restaurants and will order speciality food items home for everyone to eat. And then, we leave a sizeable amount of cash for the hosts so that even if their expenses went up, the cash offsets their increased expenses. And we also take small gifts for the relatives, but given the sheer number of relatives, the gifts are usually small items.
Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
These days it is easier for me to keep up to what is going in Pakistan thanks to numerous Pakistani channels. I never like to take without giving back. It's not in my nature but have noticed that the relatives there will shamelessly smooch off off of people here. We are expected to buy for most things...hubby sends money for his family every month for expenses....plus everything else is our responsibility. They won't spare any occasion to tell us how difficult and expensive it has been become to live. I totally realize that from watching the numerous middle class dramas. We always have a good time but I hate the real life dramas and politics of life in Pakistan. You simply cannot be simple there. Otherwise ppl think you some kind of paindoo.
Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
We do the exact same thing. Hire our own driver and never expect our hosts to chauffeur us around. We pay for dinner out at nicer restaurants and will order speciality food items home for everyone to eat. And then, we leave a sizeable amount of cash for the hosts so that even if their expenses went up, the cash offsets their increased expenses. And we also take small gifts for the relatives, but given the sheer number of relatives, the gifts are usually small items.
Yep, same here. My parents go more often so they bought a car and left it in my grandparents' house. So when we go, we drive that and don't expect others to take us places. My mom also arranges to hire a temp maid for the duration of the visit, so we are not a burden on anyone. And yes, we do leave cash as well.
Agree with the other posters that when the tables are turned and people come over for a visit to Canada, they have ridiculous expectations and if you don't entertain their demands, it ends up being raayi ka pahaar aur pakistan tak complaints jaati hain so we end up caving in.
Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
yep...we cave too.
we accept the plastic purses and tacky costume jewellery including hair clips that you wouldn't be caught dead in.......and we take them to the top of the CN Tower for $35 a pop.........and to the ROM for $20/person.....and Wonderland for $50/person......and Marineland for $40/person.......and the Maiden of the Mist at Niagara Falls for $25/person etc, etc.......
Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
Wow..I’ve never even been to those places, and I’m just 1 person. 
When I was younger, my khala’s house was where we stayed when we went to pak, everyone else lived closeby so it was kind of like a hub/the central family gathering place. Now I don’t know if my parents ever paid them anything but now that I remember, they were really awesome and hospitable. Good meals made 3x a day, going to Joyland at least once during every trip…shopping trips (though we paid for our own stuff)…good times.
I forget my point.
Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
yep...we cave too. we accept the plastic purses and tacky costume jewellery including hair clips that you wouldn't be caught dead in.......and we take them to the top of the CN Tower for $35 a pop.........and to the ROM for $20/person.....and Wonderland for $50/person......and Marineland for $40/person.......and the Maiden of the Mist at Niagara Falls for $25/person etc, etc.......
lol muzna, bohut jali hui lag rahi ho, yaar. I hear ya. I think the worst for me was when my aunt sent all (4) of her kids to our place for one month in the summer and we were expected to take them around everywhere (not just in Toronto but the instructions were, The Falls and any other must-see places wherever we can easily go). All my siblings and I were working in the summer, so we took turns and took a few days off here and there to accommodate them. Now these are kids (oldest was in Gr 12 at the time) so they didn't have cash or credit cards. We paid for everything. All the places you mentioned and a few local spots like Eaton Centre, Gerrard St etc. In the end, my aunt thanked us for showing them so many places but she complained that we didn't give her kids maximum company and that they were bored at times, stuck at home with my mom.
Some time later, this aunt and her dewar/dewraani (newly weds then) came to Toronto and everyone stayed with us. They wanted to see CN tower and shop around but because they aren't familiar with the area, they took my mom with them as their guide. So listen to this, they go to the tower and buy tickets for everyone except my mom. My mom (then) had never been to the top of CN tower and she is a full time housewife (doesn't drive either / doesn't grocery shop or carry cash on her). So she basically stood there all by herself while they spent a good 1.5 hours up there. My mom felt insulted but didn't say anything. They just told her, baaji you live here, you can always go later but it is more important for us to go and we hope you don't mind. For $35? Really? And I personally spent about $200+ per kid when her kids stayed with us. I am not comparing the expenditure. My point is, if it was me, I wouldn't have minded so much but I take offense when my mom feels humiliated and used like that by our own family members...especially when I see her trying so hard to please the same people.
[quote="Muzna, post:2, topic:273392"]
yep...we cave too. we accept the plastic purses and tacky costume jewellery including hair clips that you wouldn't be caught dead in.......and we take them to the top of the CN Tower for $35 a pop.........and to the ROM for $20/person.....and Wonderland for $50/person......and Marineland for $40/person.......and the Maiden of the Mist at Niagara Falls for $25/person etc, etc.......
lol muzna, bohut jali hui lag rahi ho, yaar. I hear ya. I think the worst for me was when my aunt sent all (4) of her kids to our place for one month in the summer and we were expected to take them around everywhere (not just in Toronto but the instructions were, The Falls and any other must-see places wherever we can easily go). All my siblings and I were working in the summer, so we took turns and took a few days off here and there to accommodate them. Now these are kids (oldest was in Gr 12 at the time) so they didn't have cash or credit cards. We paid for everything. All the places you mentioned and a few local spots like Eaton Centre, Gerrard St etc. In the end, my aunt thanked us for showing them so many places but she complained that we didn't give her kids maximum company and that they were bored at times, stuck at home with my mom.
Some time later, this aunt and her dewar/dewraani (newly weds then) came to Toronto and everyone stayed with us. They wanted to see CN tower and shop around but because they aren't familiar with the area, they took my mom with them as their guide. So listen to this, they go to the tower and buy tickets for everyone except my mom. My mom (then) had never been to the top of CN tower and she is a full time housewife (doesn't drive either / doesn't grocery shop or carry cash on her). So she basically stood there all by herself while they spent a good 1.5 hours up there. My mom felt insulted but didn't say anything. They just told her, baaji you live here, you can always go later but it is more important for us to go and we hope you don't mind. For $35? Really? And I personally spent about $200+ per kid when her kids stayed with us. I am not comparing the expenditure. My point is, if it was me, I wouldn't have minded so much but I take offense when my mom feels humiliated and used like that by our own family members...especially when I see her trying so hard to please the same people.
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^^desi ppl and their ways....I have learned that do only as much as you forget...don't go overboard ever unless you can forget what you did. Some people feel a sense of entitlement from everybody and they bulldoze their way. Quiet ppl are the ones left behind.
Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
My cousin send expensive things to his sisters every few months like i pads, latest mobile phone, laptops but he buys all on credit card. its their business but they are setting a trend or bench mark for others as i have SILs too and ofcourse after seeing all latest gadgets that my cousins get, they of course want too.
whereas me and my hubby has decided never to use credit card (after we paid off $40 000 credit card debit) and hubby says he has learnt the lesson hard way of excessive using CC. So we try to live on our income and my in laws know that we are struggling. We send eidi to SILs and they even tell us not to send as they understand our situation.
but recently middle SIL asked for Samaung G S3 and i asked hubby to send her watever it takes but as we could not post and no one we knew was going we asked her if we can send her money and she can buy herself.
whereas when mum goes to my younger chachoos house (they live in my granddads house), his wife is always in need of new kitchen accessories, even minor things like trays or dishes even spoons. they are not poor infact earning alot and have property as well. mum gets so angry as if someone comes for a visit and she doesnt have gud stuff at home, it will affect my dada jee’s izaat. so she ends up buy for her.
. when mum goes to do her shopping of clothes she has to buy for her too as she is always in very old outfit and her kids too. infact mum was saying that my cousin didnt had lotion to apply on her face and her skin was so bad and i asked her y u dont look after your skin she said my lotion that u gave last time is finished nw.
.
Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
There's a member of my family who lives in Pakistan, and always 'requests' gadgets. A few months ago the request was for a laptop. A few weeks ago the request was for a laptop and a blackberry
Yesterday, the request was for a 'touch screen smartphone' and an opportunity to settle outside of Pakistan. Make your mind up, buddy.
Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
Well my khala ji gave me gaming console back when I was a Kid(9-10), I didn't ask for it. She was living in Saudi back then. Then she moved to Canada, and we got sweaters whenever she came. Hmm. On the flip side they used our car the last the they were here and before that. Khala probably reimbursed mom for that, not sure. No other electronics I can think of. Chocolates. And yeah mom does shop for her kid, goes to the tailors despite her busy work schedule.
What did chacha ji get me, hmm. A T-shirt, probably cost him 10$, a T-shirt before that. Perfect Push Ups(rotating stands to do pushups). Chocolates, there are always chocolates. His kid probably gets more from my dad, cause they live in the same city and he lived with us for free when he first came to the US, took mom's car, probably paid for that later, but still. Hey seeing my chacha is exciting enough for me.
So I never got anything too expensive.
Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
Isn’t that overdoing it? That’s what I don’t like, why do people tolerate such behaviour? No one is obligated to send money unless it is to their parents or unaffording relatives. Pretending to be poor just to get money is disgusting!
This is ghar ghar ki kahani. Alot of desi ppl there feel entitled to demand, request, smooch off their relative abroad. Hubby would always say izzat ka mamila hai. I had really hold my ground on not being on credit and sending to Pakistan. It is a battle for the long run. His family knows how to get under his skin.
Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
i often get things as gift , this is by luck, and in some i have to work hard , like watching all drama seasons :D
yes i don't ask or demand gifts
Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
reminded me of an incident where ammi happened to be in Karachi when one female relative was getting married. (was my khala’s nawasi)
she attended the function and gave a generous cash gift (knowing that the family was well below the poverty line).
few months later we get a frantic call from the girl’s mother saying the inlaws are threatening to send her home if ammi doesn’t do something to import the guy to Canada.
ammi called the inlaws and placated the immediate situation for the time being by saying she will enquire as to the legalities…ultimately she knew she was buying time cuz there was no way he could be sponsored by any of us.
another few months go by and we get a call from the guy himself saying ammi should draft a letter stating that she will afford all his expenses should he be granted a visa to Canada!!! the letter should be notarized and sent within the next two weeks…do it now or the girl goes home!!
ammi tried to handle it politely by saying that she consulted with her lawyer and has been advised that she cannot comply…
the phone calls continued each day for a week…finally ammi said, sorry, yeh nahin ho sakta. beti ko ghar bhejna hai to bhej do.
Re: Expensive gifts from relatives, fair or unfair?
yes, its EXPECTED BECAUSE our relatives in pak ARE BICHAREY GHAREEB, and we are rolling around naked in dollars.