When I was growing up, we had a few come to our house for cousins or whoever and I hated how the poor girl was analyzed to bits from her hair to teeth to feet. Besides, the families don't just restrict the pics to their opinions- they are passed onto the entire khaandaan and the whole clan of aunties and so many comments are passed.
I just find that behaviour amusing and yet disgusting. What is the need for hte women of hte family to pass judgment on the girl based on her looks? As un-PC as it is to say, it is ONLY the guy's right to judge the girls looks and to determine whether he's attracted to her or not. Mothers, sisters, aunties, etc have absolutely no right to comment on her looks. Growing up i was constantly told that if I didn't lose weight or smethin, first ill never get a rishta or then my in-laws will make life hell for me....proud ot say, that's never been an issue with anyone :)
thank you! i loved the points you brought up. i would rather have them decline me to my face than look at my pic, get a false albeit nice impression of me, pass it around to every desi possible, size me up and then decline me after seeing me in person. after all, i am not always gonna stay in the pic, will i? they would have to see me in real life eventually.
i, as well, told my folks to cut it out after one, particularly bad, chai-serving incident, which amounts to the same thing more or less... judging you based on, what, your chai-making skills this time? or your housekeeping skills? or your hospitality skills? i've been to nicer job interviews! like one friend put it, are they finding a maasi or a daughter in law that they needed to see you serve chai?
this whole picture showing thing before meeting amounts to the same kind of personal humiliation, in my mind.
are you sending it just by yourself or your parents know about it? their parents know about it? if yes, than any potential rishta deserves know how their potential partner looks like.
.. then why would you want someones picture** After** the meeting?
.. think about this way...what is the point of wasting your time and energy and driving down to someones .. and meet him/her and then say NO on the basis of his/her looks? won't it feel more humiliating if someone sees you in person and rejects you after coming to your place?...I think its better to send someone a picture to give him/her the idea about your looks. its the starter.
I agree. Yes it's frustrating but it's better than meeting someone and THEN turning them down. Those who are saying personality matters more, well it does matter, but come on, seriously tell me will you marry someone that (a guy) never shaves, never gets a haircut, stinks, and doesn't have a sense of fashion just because he has a nice personality and is very caring? Everyone (be it a guy or a girl) wants good looks in their partner.
And girls, you are not the only ones who have to go through this. Guys go through this too. How do I know? My brother is going through this. Mom's friends have his pictures that they show to their acquaintances that have daughters his age. That's just how it works in desi culture. If you meet someone of your choice and bring that to your parents' attention, then there's no need to go through this annoying procedure.
yes, except no one shows pics of themselves where they're unshaven and dirty-lookin... of course you'll show your best pic. if you end up being dirty lookin and unshaven, only a meeting in person will tell you that. exchanging pics will only show if a person is photogenic or not :)
^ Right. I never said only see the picture and go ahead with the marriage. Picture is the FIRST step. You look at the picture and if you like the girl (same goes for girls), you tell your mom or whoever that you wanna go ahead and now see if the personalities match. If the girl also likes you, then you go ahead and meet up. If both click, then you continue meeting because even if you directly meet with the person and completely skip the picture part, they won't show their trueself only in one meeting.
yes, except no one shows pics of themselves where they're unshaven and dirty-lookin... of course you'll show your best pic. if you end up being dirty lookin and unshaven, only a meeting in person will tell you that. exchanging pics will only show if a person is photogenic or not :)
well the only time the girl will get to see the guy unshaven and dirty looking will be after marriage! :D
It's so totally weird to send out a picture for potential rishtas even if both parents are involved..it's just..not comfertable
why should some1 evalaute your looks? If you are good enough or not?
shrugs
Anyways,
It's normal. Most Pakistani people do it. and it's totally fine to feel weird about it...i guess things like these wont be happenin in the next generations as WE think it's totally weird but usually do this because our parents think it's not.
Well, is this an option? add them to ur facebook (or orkut or watever)? that way you get to c wat they look like and kind of get a sense of their personality.. most (not crazy) girls put up decent pics, not "oh i'm looking for a rishta!" pics
well the only time the girl will get to see the guy unshaven and dirty looking will be after marriage! :D
In men this look can be the direct outcome of going through the traumatic experience of accidentally looking at their wives without make-up.
Shikra, You do have a point that many might share also but it varies from person to person. Personally, I would throw a fit if some desi aunty asked my parents for my picture. Not that I am a hijabi or some super conservative girl or anything but I would still be very uncomfortable at the thought of some potential guy and his ENTIRE family (in true desi meaning) checking out my face to determine if I will be the right wife or not. Who knows whether he's a weirdo or not. What if he shows my pics around on the internet on forums like these to see what people think? As funny as that sounds, I have seen it happen :S Also, I have heard comments about other girls before such as, arey her face is so angelic, she will be a good wife or arey kitni tez hai shakal se, and not to mention horrible comments about how big or small her eyes are, or how looks like she didn't have braces as a child, etc etc.
But at the end of it, THANK GOD I never had to go through it and I don't anymore either :) God Bless love marriages.
but thats the thing, when you look at the pic, what are you evaluating outside of their looks? and imagine being on the receiving end of a “no, sorry, not good looking enough for my boy/girl”… thats gotta hurt! its just kind of insensitive and its places looks far above personality… the FIRST step should be to see if you are compatible through meeting each other. what if her picture is really pretty and you’re all, ok, lets meet up, but she’s completely boring? its still the same result as you going to meet her in the first place and finding out in person that she’s pretty but boring. so why not just go meet her/him from the outset- you can evaluate looks and personality in one go! haha it saves times
as an example, i got told by someone in the extended family that my husband and i were a “bad match” because he’s 6’7" and i’m 5’2"… i have never heard anything more ridiculous in my life concerning my marriage. i mean, seriously?? you figured out our whole relationship from a picture and based off our height?? wow. mad crazy skills, guy, you got a great future in marriage counselling
Who knows whether he's a weirdo or not. What if he shows my pics around on the internet on forums like these to see what people think?
Exactly why my mom refuses to send my pics whenever people ask. She says what if the guy shows people your pic and tells them you are his gf.......who knows right?
Whenever people ask for my pic and she gives them a firm no...they end up coming over anyway.....which is the way it should be. Besides we never really have total strangers come over....there is some kind of connection or link to someone you know. So they can easily find out what you look like or at least get an idea through someone....and then one can proceed accordingly.
You can't tell much about a person by their picture.....either some people look TOO good in their pic or some people just dont look photogenic and their pics dont do justice. I truly believe that one's personality can make an ordinary looking person look beautiful but you'll never know until you meet them. :)
plus how would you feel if they "withdrew their offer" based on your pic? i know i'd feel pretty crap.
at least when you meet, both parties are on an even playing field and can decide............
...this whole picture showing thing before meeting amounts to the same kind of personal humiliation, in my mind.
how it would be less humiliating if someone rejects you after seeing how you walk.. how you talk etc. etc. type of thingy? atleast through the picture, someone is not doing it right on your face.
and even after meeting the person, u won't go for him/her no matter how great personality he/she has IF his/her Looks are NOT desireable to you and he/she has a go from his/her side for you. and please, Not all photogenic people gets married. and not all parties went to the others because the person the picture looked beautiful.
picture is the first step... and i understand many families likes to skip it because of some risky reasons... but nowadays there is risk in everything. besides its not like someday some strangers calls you and ask you for the picture and you send it to them rightaway... ofcourse it is done after knowing the family (either directly or indirectly) a little bit first.
I think it is more of a personal/family choice at the end of the day. If you do know the other family quite well then I don't see why they would even want a pic unless they have to show it to other people, which precisely is my problem. I do not wish to be advertised to anyone except the few involved. But then, I have seen almost every family send pics and not just one, in various different poses. I guess if you think that will rock your boat then go for it. My preference would have always been no and now hopefully when I have a daughter, it would remain the same.
I know that it sounds weird and it is really counter-intuitive given how most of us were brought up. But I do think that during the rishta process it's important not to close yourself off to potential person because of strict rules and requirements. I think if you don't really mind, and he sends you his picture, go ahead and send yours.
What are your guys feelings on exchanging pictures with potential rishtas before meeting. I've been asked to send a picture to someone and I just feel weird about it. Am I overreacting?
I don't know in your case but normally it is the right way if both parties don't know each other and they are not relatives. Like in my case 3 weeks back i send my pic and biodata and now they like and my family like her (including me). Don't worry and send your pic and hope for the best.
