Wouldn’t they give better advice on what not to do to have a happy marriage?
So in that spirit, let’s do it. Divorced people of GS, please give us your best marriage advice.
Don’t get married is not an advice, that’s a lifestyle.
Re: Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people
sh1tstorm in 3...2...1
Re: Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people
You have a point here. It would be interesting to get some insight from someone who has gone through a divorce as to what they would have done differently.
:nono:
Re: Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people
I'm interested too, lets here it :)
Good point teen sahab. Let's see what we get in this thread
Re: Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people
In theory, the idea is quite good. In practice, however, I don't think people will be so keen to discuss their mistakes. People tend to not want to admit their mistakes in relationships, especially something as sensitive as the mistakes that led to a divorce.
Re: Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people
No posts coming in this thread...... women post more here......and divorced ones would never accept their mistakes...it was all the man's fault.....
men don't usually post here....
thread fail!
Re: Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people
.
Re: Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people
Hi there :)
My "advice" would be:
-Pick your battles
-Do not argue...no matter how unfairly you think you're being treated. Arguing never solves anything. All it does is create a back-and-forth match between two irrational people and the result is always bad. As hard as it may be...refuse to argue.
-Never stop focusing on yourself...marriage is not about devoting yourself to someone...at least not to me anymore. So always have personal goals...professional, spiritual, whatever. In other words, have a life of your own.
-Have your own set of friends...you don't need to ONLY hang out with couples once you're married. Have your own buddies.
-Do not talk about your relationship with people...especially not your parents over trivial household fights. Bad bad move. If you need to vent, only vent to someone who can be UNBIASED and OBJECTIVE.
-You cannot control anyone...not him, not your in-laws, not your neighbor...no one. You can however control yourself. Do not allow in-laws to affect you, your life or your relationship with your husband. Its not worth it.
And finally...
Pray. Never stop praying. It gives you clarity, purpose and the resolution to do what is right.
Re: Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people
brilliant advice reha.... i would have said the same and im not divorced.
takea futs to admit ones mistakea. bravo :)
Re: Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people
Never insult your spouse neither privately nor in public-give respect in all ways
dont lie and cheat. Speak truthfully no matter what condition is
Appreciate your spouse instead criticising your spouse for little things.
Dont get angry.. Aggressive nature spoils any relation. May Allah protect us Ameen
dont allow your family and in laws in your personal until situation get worst
dont restrict your spouse just give time to ur spouse
Encourge your spouse instead of discourage
in short relation starts from respect,love,appreciation,affection and it goes
may Almighty protect all of us from shaitan Ameen
may Allah guide us Ameen
fear Allah !!!!
This!!!
This!!!
This!!!
Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people?
Exactly what Reha said! I disagree about admitting your mistakes, I think it's easier on a forum like this but in real life or to someone's face then yes people have a hard time admitting it. Considering most people are anonymous here, I think admitting your mistakes could be quite healthy!
My biggest mistake has probably been one of Reha's points and only now am I realizing its affect on my oh so patient hubby. Fighting about every little thing is so so damaging. Never take your spouse for granted. Learning to appreciate has been a big realization for me. I'm still married AH but just those suttle changes have helped us a lot. Completely agree about having time for yourself and encouraging him to have time for himself. Even if that means reading a book that you enjoy for 15 minutes or him taking the time out to do a work out at the gym or at work, it really helps to bring some peace to your life. One rule I have recently taken on in our life and its helped A LOT is always having dinner together at the table with the tv off for atleast 30 minutes. Coming together at the end of the day with no distractions really help you connect and help you to catch up. Forcing yourselves to set a time and sit down together everyday for dinner I think really enforces a routine. Even if he's working late, he still has to eat when he gets home so I work around his schedule mostly as its more demanding than mine. Kids or no kids there, it's mostly for your time together in the hustle bustle.
We never did that while living with my inlaws because my FIL would eat when he wanted and we got into a routine of eating whenever it was convenient or eating out. Now we wait for each other at the end of the day and its really nice. :)
Re: Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people
A couple of years ago I met this guy and when his family came to see me...his sister also came. She was actually really nice and started talking about her marriage and what she learned through it. She made a point that stuck with me since then..."there is no room for ego in a marriage".
Its not easy for people to kill their egos...especially once you've achieved a certain amount of independence in life. But I think if you are with the right person, it can make all the difference. IMHO, marriages would rarely fail if we followed that. Btw, failure does not mean divorce. By failure...I mean an unhappy marriage.
Re: Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people
I'm surprised Tahurra's post didn't receive more likes cuz she has raised some excellent points and I've actually witnessed such mistakes made by couples and over time it can corrode a marriage. Fear of Allah is a good point....if you fear Him...you'll tend to be more mindful/considerate of how you treat your spouse and others as well as making the effort to rectify mistakes.
Re: Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people
Oho!
So serious thread. :D
How about always make gol roti, chokor paratha and tikonay samosay for pyaaara sa shohar?
P.S. Good points above.
Re: Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people
I think most important is "respect" ....and i mean respect in everything. If it is less in any one partner an imbalance is created which ultimately leads to bad feelings and fights.
second , someone told me when I was getting married that try to see the glass half full instead of half empty.
Re: Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people
Oho!
So serious thread. :D
How about always make gol roti, chokor paratha and tikonay samosay for pyaaara sa shohar?
P.S. Good points above.
How about shohar doing that for pyari si biwi?
Re: Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people
I agree with Reha in that compatibility is so important and a couple can't be both hotheads. I tend to get stressed so someone that is more coolheaded and would react in a more easy going less stressed way to stressful or tense, argumentative situations and is compatible when it comes to similarities would cause less arguments and there's less of a chance that it would lead to worse off situations over and over again where there is no way back.
the need to be controlling, aggressive and violent is something that needs therapy for one or both. If one doesn't want to seek therapy then it's going to be a rocky very scary road ahead.
Saving the marriage should be the most important thought on both people's heads so adjusting and improving flaws in both(admitting on your own that you have flaws)
no room for stubbornness and if only one side is giving in for the sake of the marriage then it's going to be a difficult journey ahead.
Being as mature as possible regardless of age. Being in a committed relationship or marriage means that we can't let that inner child take control of us, every time that childish us tries to take over, we need to suppress the urge to react childishly.
Being open minded and flexible and seeing that this is someone that you love, respect, and care about so they can't be spoken to harshly or belittled or made to do something.
Family should not be put in the middle of it but eventually when the relationship is dead and beaten to death and there's no way of resurrecting it, family should be given a clue especially when it's violent and abusive in nature.
Re: Everyone keeps asking married people for advice. How about asking divorced people
I'm not divorced, but having had a fallout recently, few things that I've walked away with:
Find someone that has similar goals in life. I'm not talking about career goals or that you want to run a marathon by the age of 35. I'm talking about big picture type goals. For that, you need to know each other's values. A guy friend of mine in grad school got married, and I asked him how he chose her, and he said "Our goals were compatible, and so it works", and mA they're still married. Goals in life are compatible --> less conflict in the relationship.
Advice that some dude off shaadi dot com gave me. Haha. True though. You should be able to accomplish your main goals in life being married, your marriage should facilitate them, not block them. So, not only do you need to share goals, your partner should be encouraging of them, and vice versa.
Families NEED to get along. Period. Guys have a hang up that the girl should be nice to his mom. That's great. He needs to be nice to the girl's mom too. If the family doesn't understand this, move on. No one gets to disrespect anyone.
The guy has to be able to draw a line that his family cannot cross, especially his extended relatives for crying out loud. If he can't prevent even non-blood relatives from getting involved in the rishta, then he has no darn spine. Move on.
No one should be controlling anyone else.
Don't raise your voice. I like Reha's advice of "pick your battles". And if something really bothers you, turn the cheek, and don't bother dwelling on it. Trouble-makers will cause more trouble, if you fuss at them, so don't pay them any attention. But having said that, see point number 4.
You can't just look at the guy or the girl these days. You need to look at the family. That, and finances. Those are the two top killers of marriages anywhere - in-laws and money.