Etiquette of living with the in laws

Lifestyle Relationships
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I will be getting married in a couple of months time. We will be living in a flat owned by my in laws, which has a business on the ground floor run by my father in law and brother in law. My in laws house is about a 2 minute walk from the flat/business.

Now on speaking with my fiance, he has said that we will be going back to my in laws every night for dinner, obviously with the expectation that I will cook dinner. I don’t mind cooking for my in laws as I already do this at home with my family some nights during the week (I share this with my mum, sometimes we do it together, sometimes I do it and sometimes mum does it).

Maybe I am being naive but I said to my fiance why can’t we have some time to ourselves at our own place sometimes, like maybe 1 or 2 days a week, where we don’t go to the in laws or my parents and we just stay at our own place and relax, catch up on cleaning, washing, ironing etc as we will both be working also.

My fiances answer to everything is ‘we’ll see’ (can’t tell you how much that annoys me when he says it!)

He has a sister in law (brothers wife), who lives on the same street who spends her whole day at the in laws and goes back to her own house to sleep. Her and her husband have recently purchased a new property that is about a 10 minute walk away, so don’t know if they will go to the in laws everyday when they have moved as it is a bit further out and they have young children. Also she is related to them and I am not, so I don’t want to seem like by not being there everyday that I don’t want to be involved in the family, I do wholeheartedly by I am a very private person who likes my own space.

Am I wrong to expect some time to myself? If we were to live with the in laws then being there all the time wouldn’t be an option anyway, so in having our own place and my fiance wanting to be there all the time doesn’t make sense! If I finish work late (sometimes around 6pm) and get to their place for 6.30pm, prepare dinner for around 9.30pm when they eat etc that will leave me with absolutely no time to do housework in my own place or relax after work.

I don’t know… maybe I’m being silly and blowing it out of proportion,but I really want to do the whole cooking for my husband and sitting down and eating together at the end of the working day. Or having a lazy sunday in my pyjamas, watching come dine with me and doing the weeks washing/ironing.

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

what's the point of living in a separate house when you have to do your inlaws' house chores?

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

You're gonna work everyday (whatever 5 days a week) , then come home, and cook, every day for them and take it there??? Sounds a bit excessive to me. Wonder how they have been managing all these years without you? You're not blowing things out of proportion. I would talk to him, because it's already playing up in your mind, and if this is the routine you're gonna be subjected to everyday, I think it will drive you crazy. Just MHO

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

I understand where you are coming from, but for your in-laws it is somewhat expected that you will be at their house most of the time because the other DIL does that. Try to see the positive in this; you won't need to cook, which means no mess and more money in your pocket. And realistically speaking, I don't think it is feasible you going to your in-laws everyday in the years to come. I'm sure over time, your fiance will find this a bit hectic too, especially if he is leaving work very late.

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

Someone didn't read the first post properly. :-p Look below:

Exhibit A:

[QUOTE]
Now on speaking with my fiance, he has said that we will be going back to my in laws every night for dinner,** obviously with the expectation that I will cook dinner**
[/QUOTE]

Exhibit B

[QUOTE]
If I finish work late (sometimes around 6pm) and get to their place for 6.30pm, **prepare dinner for around 9.30pm **when they eat etc that will leave me with absolutely no time to do housework in my own place or relax after work.
[/QUOTE]

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

^ I thought OP meant she will be cooking dinner at her in-laws house, not hers. Maybe I’m wrong. :bummer:

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

I think DP is trying to say - she will use ingredients at in laws house to cook ?

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

That's what I said too Hareem, what's the point living in our own place and paying bills when we'll be at work all day then at the in laws at night/weekends. Might as well just have a room in their house.

Partyslims that's it, the other sister in law and his mum have done everything over the years. He says his mum is ill and can't be expected to do it all by herself. She has asthma. I understand that help is required and I am willing to do that, just not everyday if we aren't living there.

Disneyprincess I would be expected to help, and I'm not the kind of girl who will just sit around while someone else does all the work. I'd be embarrassed of myself if I ever did that. Financially we would contribute, I wouldn't want to eat there and not pay towards groceries. If I choose to cook something then I will buy the ingredients for it.

My fiances thinking is that as we live above his dads office, his dad and brother will be there all day and might want to pop up to the flat to make tea/have lunch etc (I'm perfectly happy with this) and that's why we wouldn't get a full day to ourselves uninterrupted.

I don't even think his parents would mind that much, it's more him trying to show that he's still there for them when he's moved out. He has this really strong loyalty to his family, even the messed up extended relatives!

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

Hey

Just wondering if it was an arranged marriage and if so did you know all this before you made the commitment to get married ? or is this all a new revelation?

Have you got a honeymoon planned where you can atleast get away together for a while?

Also in the coming years i am sure your husband will start finding this too hectic as well, and it will die down especially once you have kids of your own.

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

1) I don't think you're being unreasonable in asking that you and your husband have some private time during some evening at home since you will be paying for a separate apartment.

2) If you don't think it's is parents that are pushing for this.....then just let it go for now. Focus on building a very positive relationship with them (especially his mother). After marriage, once a bit of time passes by, and your husband is a bit more relaxed seeing that he hasn't "abandoned" his parents....then slowly you can bring up spending some evenings alone (just the two of you). Heck depending on your relationship with your MIL/DIL.....they might even encourage your husband to spend time "alone time" with you....especially when you're newlyweds!

3) Also, many ideas sound great in theory but when it comes to implementing them, it can be tiring. Just wait and see how long your fiance himself can put up with the "routine" of going there every single day.

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

It's a love marriage that our families have arranged. I'm a very independent person, fell for a totally traditional guy who is so caring its unreal, remained friends for a while until his family approached mine for the rishta.

We are planning a honeymoon at the moment, with work commitments I don't know if it will be going ahead for definite but we hope to take a short break at the least. We were hoping to visit London, but as he has a lot of family there we couldn't go and just enjoy time away, we would have to visit those relatives!!

I do hope once we buy our own place it'll settle down a little. I don't want to be living in the flat and at his in laws every day with our children running to and fro all day like his nieces n nephew do now! I find that it's a lot harder to discipline children with this sort of arrangement as his nieces and nephew are quite spoilt and this si down to my fiances mum, not the children's mother!

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

Paheli that's what I'm hoping... but I know that if he insists on going everyday then my in laws will expect us there everyday. His bhabi is there everyday now even with little children in tow so if I don't do the same I will be more of an outsider then I already am to begin with as I'm not part of their family and she is his fathers niece!

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

Question that might seem random: Does your fiance not have any friends at all? You mentioned it was a love marriage....there isn't 1 single other "couple" that you're friends with? Does your fiance NEVER hang out with anyone outside his family?

I think instead of focusing on your fiance/husband....your focus should shift on his family. As I mentioned earlier, you should always have them on "your side". Also....who knows, if your fiance feels neglected as a huband b/c your're spending all your time/energy on his family(b/c he's taking you there every single night!)....there's a good chance he himself may re-think his idea after a while. :) You just need to have patience and work on a strategy where instead of you asking for evenings away from his parents (which will put him on the defensive).......your fiance himself will suggest it so it looks like that he's the one who wants it.

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

Looks like you are in for it, whether you like it or not :)
In that case, I think just go with the flow. In the intial few weeks (months even) do try to go everyday, if that's what they expect... eventually your fiance will also recognize your need for 'alone time' and if you start taking your 'breaks' from the in laws house later on, instead of too early off in the marriage, they won't object that much. First impressions go a long way.

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

Even if you do have to go to your in-laws everyday, I don't think it would be permanent. I think your husband will also want a few days where he can just relax at home, once he gets used to living separately.

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

hmmm…you could like…try to run th house as your own…sort of act like you are conquering their turf (MIL and Brother’s wife)…they will feel threatened…and try to shut you out…that way you won’t have to be there everyday :hmmm:

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

You could give it a try I guess, but I think this arrangement is going to cause you a lot of frustration. I work too and after spending the whole day in the office, I just want to spend the evening relaxing at home with hubby. It is going to be tough to go to someone else's place and do all the cooking. Don't get me wrong - but why don't they hire a maid to help with the housework? You can offer to pay part of the maid's salary if needed. That way you don't have to do ALL the work when you get there and will have some time to spend at your own home.
You should try to get your hubby to help with the chores too - seriously! That way he knows how hard it is for you.

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

**the following will be helpful:

-offer to pay your share of expenses
-participate equally in doing house chores
-get up early in the morning [earlier than or at the same time in-laws wake-up to share house chores. like preparing breakfast for the family
-bring gifts periodically
-take them out for dinner
-hug your MIL frequently and try
-if you have kids, treat ALL the kids EQUALLY [do not give preferential treatment to your own kids]
- do NOT engage in family politics and if you have to ever then do NOT talk negatively or else it may be used against you someday
-do NOT invite your friends without their [in-laws] consent****

the rest later. :)**

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

My advice: don't go ahead with his arrangement. This will not only cause frustration but also resentment in you towards him and his family. Be absolutely clear about your role in the family so you are not taken for granted while hubby enjoys all th benefits. You deserve as much happiness as he and his family do. Don't let it happen at your expense, you are the only one that will get hurt inthe process.

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Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws

I'm not a fan of this arrangement, it's nice to be involved with in laws but not every single day.
I think you should talk to him but since he seems quite set in his way judging by his 'we'll see' responses you should really make sure he knows your opinion and understands your take on things, you don't want to look back and regret anything.