Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws
^In other words, red flag!! Make a run for it.
Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws
Paheli he does have friends, his friends all live nearby and as most are married they tend to meet up once a week to go out for a meal. They go as 'the boys' so I won't be joining them and wouldn't want to. He has other friends, both male and female, that he has introduced to me but he doesn't get to see them that often as they are scattered across the area we live in and contact is mostly via telephone/text and the odd meet up with him whenever they are all free.
I don't want to put on a show of loving his family, I do genuinely like them and will make the best effort to get to know them all and get on with them, but I don't want to start playing mind games with my fiance by showing anyone preferential treatment. My mums always taught me to be honest and be true to myself and that's how I intend to be inshallah.
Crystal bracelets - that's it, I do want to go as often as possible as they are his family and I want to get to know them better and build up a future with them as a part of it. All I ask for is a few days in the week where we get 'us' time, and I get 'me' time to catch up on household chores and beautify myself for my hubby! What I don't want to go is go at the start and then all of a sudden stop going as often as they might feel like I've taken him away from them! His mum is very well known in the area they live in and she volunteers him for all sorts of things (giving random aunties lifts, taking people places etc) and that will annoy me because I don't want her knocking on our door at night saying X needs dropping off here etc when we're having a quiet night in!
rizla86 I honestly can't see that happening, I never thought my fiance was a mummy's boy but he's turning out be a real 'family boy' as in he's so attached to his family that he'll do anything they say! I think he has this idea of how they expect him to act and he acts that way. He comes from an area that's heavily populated with Asians and some of them are quite narrow minded - esp when it comes to girls who come from 'outside' who are going to take their boys away.
nomi - again I don't want to be playing any mind games... I want to be what I am so I don't have to keep my guard up and put on a pretence.
Lucymay - we don't have maids in the UK
Khalil - we will be paying our share of expenses, I'm not expecting a free ride from anyone. Again same with household chores, I will always do my fair share and more. I do get up early for work, but I won't have time to get up mega early to be making paratha for anyone, here in the UK we have cereal and my fiance and his family are all capable of doing that for themselves, on my days off I will be more than happy to get up and cook a 'proper' breakfast for myself and my husband and my in laws if necessary. gifts, dinner hugs etc will come with time inshallah. Kids will all be treated equally, which is exactly how my parents taught us to be. I will never engage in their families politics unless it affects or concerns me directly. And lastly friends, if we are in our own flat I will invite my friends if I want to... surely I won't have to ask my in laws consent? I will tell them that I plan to invite friends and when etc but I won't be asking for permission! Same with my family, if I plan to invite them to the flat I will do so and will inform in laws of my plans but won't ask for permission.
So Theorist - do you advise that I put my foot down from the start with hubby? That I don't want to go round there everyday? This will be really difficult as my in laws will be living so close by, within a stones throw! I'd never stop him from going round everyday but I don't want him to expect me to be there all day and sit there all day!
I agree kiterunner, I can say this until I'm blue in the face but I don't really know how things will be when we get married. I guess I'd just have to hope for the best..
Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws
^yes, that's exactly what I mean! It will be difficult but if he loves you and wants you to be his wife, he needs to respect your wishes. You are compromising enough to be so close to his parents, he needs to do his half. Do not agree to this, it will ruin your marriage before it even begins! Do you really want to constantly worry about what they will think of you if you don't show up one day? You are setting yourself up for a failure by sEtting the bar so high. You need to take it slow and let him know you want to visit them everyday and that's not your idea of life after marriage. If he can't do that much for you, he is not for you, Hun.
Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws
If this is a temporary setup then I'd just go with it. If he expects you do that for as long as his parents are alive, don't do it!
Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws
well, i thought i'd be spending lots of quality time alone with my husband but to be honest, we come to my parents for dinner nearly every single day! other than the days we go out with friends. we still spend time in our flat but not nearly as much as i thought we would. we just prefer spending time with my family. on the weekend, if i don't have any plans, i do all my housework and then i come to my parent's house and generally end up doing housework there.
i can see it will be different for you, since you will be going there and cooking and stuff. but if you leave not too late after dinner, you still have time to relax together at your place.
the rest, it depends on your in laws. if they are sensible they will know that you need time alone and even if you go over everyday to eat they will encourage you to leave early. or suggest some days that the two of you should go out and do your own thing. however, if your mil is like my phupoo... then god help you!
Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws
We can all give your our opinions but at the end of the day, you know your fiance better than us and need to decide which "approach" will work best with him.
I've learned over time with my own DF that being totally direct/honest with him OR "putting my foot down" doesn't work. With my own DF, yes, there are times I strategize in order to get something I want...while keeping him happy at the same time. But again, I do this b/c I know for the fact that the other options are useless in my case. Whether or not I "like" to do this is not the question.....the question is what will get me results (ie. keep me and DF both happy).
Whether you "play mind games", decide to have a direct conversation, or put your foot down......at the end, only you can decide what is the best approach based on your fiance's personality. I don't think any of the "options" are better than another.......its just a matter of deciding which is best suited for you.
Re: Etiquette of living with the in laws
^that makes sense actually. Whatever works really but should try in this case.