Ethics - Full disclosure

Lifestyle Relationships
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When we don’t generally give our health status to prospective proposals, guys or girls, is it really a must to admit to having certain diseases?

What diseases fall under this?

Heart issues?
Diabetes?
Cancers?
AIDS?

What about genetic traits? Like what if you are a carrier for certain diseases? erectile dysfunction? psychological issues? Do these come under the “DO mention” list?

And when is this stuff supposed to be told when building a new relationship? A friendship which might flower into a relationship which might then lead to marriage? When you fall for the girl/boy? When they fall for you? Do you wait till love has happened before breaking them such news?

What are your views?

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

One of my nigerian colleagues told me that in her culture, the prospective partners are required by law to tell each other before they get married etc. If one partner has AIDS or something then they are not allowed to get married.

So yes, in some cases it is best to tell them. Islamically you are required to tell the partner as well, but only if it is something which will affect the marriage/potential relationship, in cases like infertility etc. If its just a case of having a colourful past then no, you don't need to tell them.

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

so heart disease, diabetes, chronic illnesses dont need to be told?

What abt possible genes which when transferred to kids might cause autism, thallasemia and such?

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

It depends on how serious it the condition is. Are people not entitled to a sense of privacy instead of having to disclose every illness they have to everyone?

These aspects should not be used to reject a rishta etc etc - its stuff like the person's character which should sway this. And on the topic of having heart diseases, diabetes etc etc, almost every asian person has an illness in the family somewhere, so is this such a shock factor anymore? It's not like people can't get married or have a relationship because they are so hindered by their conditions.

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

In an arranged marriage where love , intimacy and affection are not the deciding factors a full disclosure should be required by law.
In arranged marriage , looks , casts, incomes , status , family backgrounds, characters are deciding factors then why health related issues be left out ?
It does not make any sense , does it ?

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

what about in love marriages? or rather, love. When should it be disclosed? before "trapping" someone in love or immediately after?

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

If you consider love a trap , then you will never disclose anything.
Love is blind and oblivious to everything.
Love is not a game , love is not intentional , love is spontaneous, you do not plan to fall in love , love has its own power and its own magic , you will only know that you are in love when you have fallen in love.
They have a beautiful saying in Punjabi . Love na pochay zaat.

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

Haha Mirch, I don't think that's Punjabi :p

I do know what you mean though; Ishq Na Puche Zaat

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

I think there is a certain amount of control one can exert over "love". Ishq is more devangi, more uncontrollable. But in the art of courtship, where love meets reality, there are many love stories that slip through the cracks. So many cant deal with family disapproval. Sure some make it, some dont. So yes. This might be something one would consider relevant info before allowing themselves to "fall in love".

viewed from that vantage point. boy meets girl. boy and girl are friends. boy and girl date maybe. boy and girl decide to get engaged. when does boy tell girl or girl tell boy that he/she has some chronic disease esp if its something they keep personal otherwise?

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

Courtship is not love it is shopping around. It is not ishq it is window shopping.

In love they will either know nothing of this sort about each other or would know each and everything about each other and would not care. It cannot be a deal breaker for people truly in love.
What if one of them does not know about it and find out after getting married , will that end marriage , if it does then it was not love which bonded them together.
I can share my personal story if you like.

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

I do like. Do tell :)

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

I believe is doing everything possible from the start to ensure a successful marriage. If the person had a disease years ago and was treated for it....then no, I don't think it's a "must" that it needs to be disclosed.

Things that really needs to be disclosed are those that has a direct effect on the daily life of the couple/requires constant maintenance: AIDS, erectile dysfunction, bipolar disorder, diabetes, on-going heart condition etc. If a personal is aware of the fact that they carry a gene that has a high chance of effecting a child's life negatively in the future...then yes, that should be disclosed too.

In a perfect world these things shouldn't matter. But the reality is that not everyone can handle living with a person that has a chronic health issue. By disclosing this information BEFORE marriage, you're avoiding anger/resentment issues after marriage.

In a love marriage situation, I would disclose this as soon as the relationship is serious enough where the possiblity of marriage comes up (but before the official engagement). I would disclose this BEFORE families get involved. Because after all, there is no reason to get multiple people from both sides to get involved is the person is not willing to go through the marriage.

I met a girl a few months ago who was visiting for a few days from Chicago(friend of a friend). Her story? She's a M.D. in Chicago who had an arranged marriage (her husband was a M.D. too). After marriage, she started noticing behavioral issues with her husband. She then finds out that the husband was diagnosed with Schizophrenia years ago but his family (and him) hid that information from her family (and her).

He was taking medication for awhile but it wasn't working....they started having major problems. Approx. 7-8 months after marriage, she came home after work one day and found his dead body on their bed. He had committed suicide. So now at the age of 29, she's a widow. Devastated and looking to start a new life outside Chicago.

At the end....by not disclosing a serious healh issue, you're playing with someone else's life and that's just wrong. I'm a major believer in karma and treating other the way I want them to treat me. Starting a marriage with deception/secrets is not going to lead to anything positive in the future.

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

Very comprehensive and well thought out!

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

It is a must that the partners know everything about each other. diseases or other stuff because this stuff can be of concern in later years. Alot of such things cause divorce as well. i dont believe its very important to share it with everyone though cause in our society elderly and some people can be too critical.

My cousin had a bengin tumor in her brain due to which she could not develop physically so her reproductive system was not developed. She couldnt find any proposal as they always disclosesd it. in the end a proposal came and she only shared with her husband to be. she is happily married and has 2 kids. she had IVF or something done.

but on the other hand such sucess stories are rare. i know someone who had hep c and got married, it was pretty ugly cause the wife and kids were infected and sick.

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

I think complete honesty is important. You don't want to be loved for what the other person "thinks" you are...they should love you for who you really are. That doesn't happen unless you are honest about yourself.

I don't think its that big of a deal to not mention things like allergies, asthma, etc because these are minor conditions. Almost like having poor eyesight.

If it was something more serious like diabetes, heart disease, etc where the person needs to carefully manage their lifestyle otherwise severe complications could arise...I would be open about them.

Yes, health conditions can affect a marriage/relationship. But I think more importantly...if you are hoping someone will love you for who you are...then tell them who you really are.

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

Obviously they will find out eventually.

The question is

when should it be told?

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

Yes lets turn marriage into a science experiment. Not only that lets map each other’s genomes and then splice them together :rolleyes:

People can have the genes for anything and live happy normal healthy lives. While others who have none of the genes can drop dead from a stroke. There is no accounting for the will of Allah in life.

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

In an arranged marriage setting, go in with full disclosure. What do you have to lose? Someone you never had to begin with?

In a love marriage setting, you should be honest as soon as you know you are interested in getting to know this person further. They will want to get to know you too...all of you.

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

If both parents are carriers for certain diseases, then they are unwittingly ruining the lives of their offspring

Thallasemia is an excellent example.

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Re: Ethics - Full disclosure

now how about psychiatric evaluation???