Equality in Marriage...

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Equality in Marriage…

OP, the same questions were raised in your last thread which expressed concern over the same matter. Your own gut instinct isn’t at ease with this 50-50 split, otherwise you wouldn’t have created yet another thread about it. Since the last thread, you are still with him. And I’ve a feeling you’re going to stay with him.

As Summer said earlier, there’s a conflict between women’s desire for asserting independence and expecting to be taken care of. The conflict vanishes if you stick to the Islamic guidelines…that although women have the right to work, the responsibility of provider is the husband’s. I don’t see your concern as you being “traditional” or “cultural”…it’s simply laid out by Islam and he’s not following that guideline or perhaps is unaware of it. It’s hard to measure a neat and even split of marital contributions when there is so much merging and compromise that takes place. Why don’t you ask this guy all the questions put forth by other members? And maybe…just maybe…(fingers crossed) …he’ll see how his insistence on a 50-50 isn’t so well thought out on his part. I feel put off by such negotiations that read more like a business deal between two roommates.

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Re: Equality in Marriage…

How is having only one partner bear the brunt of a potentially job damaging, health, and financial drain equal? If she has maternity leave for 6 months and then the guy should be prepared to take advantage of his own leave for the 6 months after that. That seems like a fair distribution.

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Is this marriage or roommate agreement?

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Who will keep how many child? Will that also 50 50 ?

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probably split the kids half and half. Whether that be down the middle of each child or dependent on the number of children (1/2 children 2/4 children 3/6 children etc) I do not know.

The difficulty lies in if there are 3/5/7… kids.

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This is exactly what I was thinking. What if you want to go on mat leave or stop work after baby or lose your job? You can’t be so inflexible when approaching marriage.

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Having children may dramatically affect a woman’s earning potential while men usually fly through their career path. Also in desi marriages men are older so higher up the career ladder and earning more. Like it or not it is not an equal set up. If a guy is earning 3-4 times that of his wife how do they split the costs. OP will your contribution be proportional to your income or will you always contribute half no matter how much you earn? If a guy was this inflexible I wouldn’t ever proceed. It sounds like a business transaction.

Also OP after you have kids and he wants you to still contribute equally what will you do for childcare?

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Yep and then hire a cleaner for the cleanin. Win win

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lol, I love how the women and white knights find this arrangement incomprehensible. Women in Britain want 50/50 - you’re getting that. Make a rota for house work, chores etc. and stick to it. Once you have a child, go back to work after your maternity leave finishes - with the both of you earning, you should be able to afford childcare. You’ll actually be worse off both working and paying childcare than you as a stay at home mum - you’re husband will be better off because in case of a divorce, he won’t have to shell out massive spousal support payments if YOU decide to do the whole stay at home mum thing. Why should the man subsidize the woman’s choice to be a stay at home in the form of spousal support after divorce?

All the people talking about the Islamic perspective - islamically, your husband only supports you during iddat after divorce, but you get child maintenance - no 50% of hubbies house bs - how many of you girls would follow this in a Western country, lol, yeah right! You don’t have to do housework, cooking etc. in islam, however you do have to follow your husband in everything that is he asks you to do that is halal including not refusing him sex without a legitimate reason. If you become a stay at home mum, will you resent him for working late or divorce him and take at least 50% of his stuff for a petty reason such as not spending enough time with you when all he wants to do is sleep so he can get up in the morning to go to work to subsidise your potential choice to be a stay at home mum?

The dude’s offering you 50/50, what’s the problem ladies? I thought chivalry was dead?

To alll British Pakistani men, just do nikah without the civil registration, protect yourselves! My dad’s brother is a successful cardiologist who wouldn’t take **** from anyone. He was insistent on doing the civil ceremony before nikkah upon the insistence of my then future chachi’s mother. Lol, within 5 years she told him to his face that she had talked to a solicitor friend of hers and that she owned at least 50% of his ass! And to all those thinking he must be at fault, they have a cleaner that comes round 4 times a week, he brings home a £200k salary, owns assets before marriage, all house laundry gets sent to one of the dry cleaning shops that my dad owns, she can’t cook, has a princess complex and they have an au pair for the kids! Women are sweet before marriage, they go batshi.t crazy after they get a ring on it - protect yourselves from the feminazi agenda fellas!

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I actually agree with the idea of nikkah without civil marriage.

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Thing is, if everything is 50 / 50 then shouldn’t the girls’s parents also live with them if the guys’s do? If she has to be super respectful and all just because they are elders shouldn’t he do the same? Just saying!

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Those who think only desis are housewives etc think again. The super rich in the US and even the stay at home moms of the not so rich do the same thar is split stuff up in case of a divorce and oh they don’t put up with joint family systems either.

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Since you’re putting all women in the same group…I actually feel sorry for you. It must’ve been really difficult growing up in a household where your mother’s (and sisters if you have any) behavior gave you this type of impression about women. Must be awful not to come across one single positive female role model during your entire life. You have my sympathy.

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Re: Equality in Marriage…

Hello,

Thank you for the all the replies.

I’m sticking by this guy because he treats me with so much respect, islamically and morally. We want the same things in life as in travelling, kids etc. I’ve got to know a few risthas but he’s the one I feel the most comfortable with.

The 50/50. He said this because, originally he wanted to be the provider. However, he got a job closer to me so had to take a pay cut. Hypothetically, let’s say I’m on £29k, he’s on £37k.

Realistically, I don’t think he can afford to pay the mortgage and pay the bills. So I have to contribute to the bills.

We spoke about this because he originally said he’d pay the bills but the lifestyle we want, he cannot afford it now since he’s downgraded on jobs.

I was just wondering whether there’s any women in here who spilt the bills with their husbands?

I obviously won’t be contributing that much during maternity. I’ll probably go part time after kids.

His parents won’t be living us during the first few years. He doesn’t want them to. He said that MIGHT happen later on.

Holidays - I meant we split the costs of everything. I know husbands who pay for everything so I just thought id put that across.

I just don’t want to feel like I’m contributing to the house bills and doing most of the housework and cooking.

He’s lived on his own since he was 18, so he knows how to do things. I think he would help me but I don’t think he’ll be as good as me in terms of cooking and cleaning.

I think I need to talk to him about this.

Maybe my desperation of wanting to be married since I’m turning 29, is blinding me. Or I’m being picky and looking at perfection in marriage when there’s no such thing.

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50/50 sounds so weird and cheap to me :confused: u are married, not roommates!

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Lol, the women in my immediate household are actually fine (mum/sister who was raised around 4 boys) - I’ve seen too many of my friends/cousins/uncles/even my dada ji (desi and non-desi) get burnt in marriage by narcissistic entitled women - not worth it in my opinion. Plus women are too clingy in marriage, not worth the headache. I’ve come across a few good women, but they happen to be non-muslim in most cases, which is a no no for me. So, what exactly will I do for kids, haven’t quite figured that out - surrogate + nanny?

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I’m sorry but you’re attitude and thinking is just immature. Just because you’ve seen bad examples of marriage doesn’t mean that’s the only kinds out there. The successful marriages don’t get all the fanfare because they just get on with it. No one wants to hear about a happily ever after. Its boring. Think you need to grow up to be honest.

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I agree that I have a biased view based on the experiences of people that I know who got married. My viewpoint is that as much as women want protection, what’s wrong with men protecting their interests? A woman protects her interest, she gets “shahbash”. A man looks to do exactly the same, he’s a pig. Go figure! Lol, what you guys call childish, telling me to grow up, I call self preservation. Let me put it to the lawyers/solicitors. If I came to you stating that I am about to enter in to a partnership whereby the other party can walk away at any point and take at least 50% of my assets/future income without any blame being placed and that this partnership is reliant on the voluntary willingness of the other party to stay in partnership with me, what would you advise me? That’s what I thought!

the 50% of people in first marriages in Britain don’t go in to marriage thinking they will divorce - but they do, with 70% of divorces initiated by women. I have no issue with women staying at home looking after house/kids - if it is a joint decision. I hate women who believe they are entitled to stay at home once she pops out a kid, knowing full well her husband will end up having to subsidise HER choice (not when its a mutual decision) by paying through the roof with spousal support in case of divorce. Don’t go round throwing the prophets sunnah at me - if he divorced, his wives would have only been entitled to support during iddat period only plus child maintenance - no 50% of hubbies assets +spousal support for an indefinite period of time. There would have been blame placed during divorce - in Britain divorces are no blame based!

Look, women who come to a consensus to become stay at home housewives, I have no issue with, my mum is one! But those that do it unilaterally and then expect privilege are the ones I have issue with. Anyway, each to their own, all I know is when I do get married, I’m only doing nikkah - I’ll wait to do the civil ceremony until I know her “kirdaar”. One of my phupo’s husband did this - he waited 3 years after nikah to do the civil ceremony. In that time, my phupo showed her true entitled golddigger “rang” - her husband made the necessary adjustments locking up assets in trusts before legally making her his wife. She’s subdued a lot as a result, and rightly so imo - she no longer projects an aura of entitlement! Put your interest first fellas, women do exactly the same!

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Re: Equality in Marriage…

So you’re picky about your wife being muslim but you’re okay with a surrogate? is that Islamically allowed?
There are many good women out there…women who go above and beyond when it comes to doing their share yet men with opinions as “colourful” as you have trouble seeing the positive. (And isnt’ it convenient that all the women in your own household are fine. :cb:)

And just so you know…there are plenty of examples where the choice to stay at home and provide a wholesome, secure environment for a developing child is not solely the woman’s. Many men see the benefits in not leaving child rearing to hired help, at least for the first 3 or 4 formative years of a child’s life until they start schooling.

As far as I recall, the discussion is centered around the fact that the responsibility to support the household during the marriage rests squarely on the shoulders of the husband according to Islamic rules. There is no requirement for the woman to contribute to the family expenses (home, clothing, food, etc.) but if she chooses to do so then every cent she contributes is deemed sadaqa for her. So it’s not about what happens if and when they decide to go their separate ways.

Condolences to your chacha. There are many good men out there that have been taken advantage of. Insha Allah the Almighty will reward them ten-fold for their sacrifices and suffering.

In terms of protecting your interests…both parties should do so. The Islamic system, when administered justly does that as does the civil system. I’m not as familiar with the UK laws but from what I understand of the North American system, many judges will allow both parties to protect those assets which they brought to the marriage. And if that is not enough then drafting a pre-nup can take care of all such interests.

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I agree 100% with your post. As for my cacha, he is still married to her. I know the rights/responsibilities of both men/women in a marriage - but women tend to go for the jugular during divorce and adopt the British legal system’s approach of no blame + split of assets under the guise of following the law of the land you live in. I have no issue with women who become housewives due to joint decision or even at the behest of their husband - in such cases if they divorce, I have no issue with a woman getting 50% assets plus spousal support. It’s the entitled breed of British Pakistani women i’m talking about, who I have to say are more and more prevalent nowadays here - I work with them on an everyday basis from corporate lawyers to accountants to financial professionals, alot of them have this entitled mentality. Surrogacy, lol, I know that’s haram, I was joking. Prenups can be thrown out, it depends on what side of the bed the judge woke up. The only way a British Pakistani man can secure himself is to only do nikah without the civil registration or rely on trusts which causes a loss of absolute control.