I’m getting to know someone and it’s getting to the stage of telling our parents.
He wants to live separately, away from his family. He thinks we should be alone. Great!
However,
He works, I work. Both on similar salary but he’s probably on £10k more than me.
He said he wants to spilt bills 50/50. Everything 50/50.
I said ok, but cooking and cleaning has to be 50/50 too then. He said that’s fine, it’s the 21st century.
I always wanted the guy to pay most bills, I contribute some but I do the cleaning and cooking. I’m abit of a traditionalist.
Am I unreasonable to think this? Especially when we are both working? Holidays will be spilt, which I understand.
Will the housework and cleaning actually be 50/50? I’ve got a feeling I’ll end up doing more naturally.
What are your thoughts?
He also has to pay towards his parents mortgage, but that’s split between the brothers. The brothers bought it to give his parents better living accommodation. So I can’t really dispute that.
Sorry for asking loads of questions! It’s my first relationship and I’m too compromising in life in general and I just don’t want to be a pushover in marriage.
Don’t ask these type of questions here. People will say you are supposed to contribute equally financial lay, though when you complain about the housework, they will tell you to compromise. On a serious note, do what works for you. If it’s not that big of a deal for you to contribute half, then go for it. Don’t think what if he doesn’t help out with the housework. He could also think what if she doesn’t help with the bills?
However, if you are more traditional, then think long and hard. No matter what, there will be compromises in every marriage.
honestly, getting advice from others on how to handle your financial situation between you and yor husband will only open a can of worms that can never close back up again. everybody has different opinions on this type of thing, and it will only confuse you further. money is the number 1 problem most marriages have, the more you try to bring others into it, the more messed it will get.
do what seems right to you. and if you feel like you are about to be a pushover, then nothing can ever be resolved if you don’t talk to him.
Anytime there is a negotiation regarding those concepts which should be based on compromise, anytime you feel the need to demand something in exchange for something, you are treading on dangerous ground; ground that is likely to get shakier and shakier as time passes.
This is a big red flag. Many couples share expenses and that’s fine. But for him to be so inflexible on 50/50 arrangement is not a good thing. I think he likes the idea of it…but in reality, he has no clue what he’s talking about.
He wants to do 50% of the cooking/cleaning that’s great…but does he know how to do it? Does he do his own laundry right now? When was the last time he vacummed/mopped the floor or scrubbed the toilets? Does he know how to cook meals? Not making a sandwich or microwaving stuff…actually cooking a proper meal from scratch? Ask these questions. Many men (especially desi) can say they’ll do 50% of the housework…but that doesn’t mean they can actually do it. And if they literally can’t do something (or refuse to do it) after the wedding, you’re stuck doing it all.
What about when you get pregnant? Does he expect you to work until the day you give birth? Does he expect you go return to work as soon as maternity leave is over? Are you really 100% sure that you won’t want to stay home with the baby at least for a few years?
What if you get laid off or get sick/have an accident and can’t work? How will he feel about paying 100% then? Does he make enough money to actually support a family (wife and let’s say 2 kids)?
How will savings work?
I don’t understand this concept of splitting vacations.
Ask him when was the last time he changed a baby’s diaper. After all, if there is a baby, taking care of that baby should be 50/50 too right?
What exact amount of money he pays to his parents for their mortgage, is he ok with you taking out that exact amount and keeping it for yourself?
Ummm…newsflash…if his parents move in with you, then YOU will be paying for 50% of his parents expenses. Think about it. How the heck are you going to split food, bills etc. when you have 2 additional adults, his parents living with you?! And with the drama/lies in his family…I honestly don’t even know what you’re thinking.
You should only contribute 10% of your money and take the housework. It is more work for you, but you also have more control over the situation and more money in the bank, in case things go awry.
I do hope you are not looking at marriage simply as a financial arrangement.
My cousin was doing this but for one sick kid she had to leave her job for some time and boom suddenly she can’t afford anything while her husband is busy buying gadgets.
So kids and housework (because I’ve seen women who’re in more earning jobs still doing the bulk of child rearing and housework) are going to mess up your 50/50 even if you plan everything. If something in plan mode is making you annoyed then don’t go ahead with it because in real time it will be X times annoying.
There is no 50/50 in marriage. If you are going to treat it like a business deal then forget about having a real relationship. I wish there was equality in marriage but it doesn’t exist. You may believe you will end up doing most of the housework but realize that he may also be thinking that he will end up contributing financially a lot more than you because down the road you will have children and may stay home for some time. You have your reasons to doubt and he has his.
lool i kinda feel sorry for men now. They just can’t win with women at all. Somedays we’re all like ‘I’m a feminist, men and women should be equal, we should split the bills 50/50, i don’t want you to open doors for me i’m independent I can do it myself etc etc’ and somedays it’s all ‘we both work but i still want him to pay for everything, men and women are not equal…’
No wonder men are so bad at reading such mixed up signals. lol.
I provide consultancy for these kind of high profile mergers and business…errr…i mean marriage contracts.
Let me know if I can be of any help. When is the deal signing ceremony? and where will be the company headquarters (just asking for taxation purposes)
PS: Make sure you lay out terms in writing and initial every term including the consequences of cooking 49.9999934% instead of 50% or paying for 51.34493% of the electric bill. Gotta cover all basis you know
It bothers the heck out of me when women want equality in child rearing, housework, workplace, income, and whatnot but God forbid a man wants you to contribute equally financially. Then it’s a red flag and the guy is no good. -__-
Sorry but if its a love marriage most Romeos are like Il do everything for u financially etc. Afterwards if u decide its best u ontribute that’s fine. But is it cynical of me to imagine the two of u sitting there before marriage abd talking like business partners
of if its a line for paying electric bill in Pakistan you are SUPPOSED to give way to women out of line even to the feminists or else you are bayghairat
Nothing in life can be defined by such rigid rules. Things/circumstances/people change and so do these rules.
Having a general idea of how things should be done is good because things aren’t black and white. Key to success is flexibility, open mindedness and compromise from both sides.
