Re: Equality in Marriage…
In any happy, successful relationship, there are no scorecards. Think about it…with good friends, we don’t keep track of how many times she called me and I called her, how many times I made plans or she made plans etc. etc. etc. Similarly, in a marriage, 50/50 or equal partnership is not a literal thing. When someone wants to take out a calculator to split expenses 50/50, or if someone is adamant that the other person must do 50% of cooking/cleaning…it’s will lead to disaster b/c sooner or later, something will go wrong and it will lead to resentment/arguments.
This guy is choosing to take a job closer to you and take a pay cut. You did not force him to do this. HE chose this b/c at some level, he felt you are worth that sacrifice. Yet, he’s making it seem like this is all for your benefit. It is not. Ideally, he should realize that this “sacrifice” is also for himself b/c if he did you see you as a “benefit” for himself, he would not agree to the move. It would have fine if he approached the situation with the approach “Oh hey brown eyed, I’m taking a pay cut and will have trouble paying all the bills. Since you are working, how about we have joint finances and share the expenses. Or can you give 50% of your salary to me so I can use that to pay our bills/rent etc.”. He does not see the two of you as a team. Just like a roommate, he’s saying “Well I took a pay cut for you so you need to do this for me”. This attitude…this keeping of a score in such a specific way which is unrealistic btw, will lead to a lot resentment for BOTH of you in the future.
“Probably”? Based on how this guy is approaching this, you better be 100% sure about what you want. Are you 100% sure that you have 0% interest in being a stay-at-home mom while the kids are young? Is he 100% ok with you taking such a drastic pay cut and giving up half you salary after kids? All your expenses will increase after you have kids. So both of you better figure this out right nownand how your “lifestyle” will change if you go part-time.
That’s fine. But IF it does happen later on, how does he propose you split expenses 50/50 then? How will you split household cost, electric bills, groceries etc. if his parents are living in the same house and using all the same things. When you go out to a restaurant or vacation, is HE going to pay for his parents means/tickets/hotel room etc. ALWAYS? Again, you don’t want to argue about this years later once you’re in the marriage with kids do you?
Read over and over what you yourself wrote above. You already know that you won’t be satisfied with his cooking/cleaning and its pretty much guaranteed that YOU will end up doing most of it while contributing exactly 50% of all other costs. And you already know it will cause you to be upset/feel resentful. Forget what other women do b/c their feelings may not be the same as you and their husband’s may not be like yours. Focus on yourself, your feelings/expectations of marriage.
From where I’m sitting, this is what it looks like. And you are right…there is not “perfection” in marriage. That’s what several of us are trying to tell you. There is no exactly 50/50 split in a happy marriage. Things are not always perfectly equal and you can’t keep a scorecard of what person is doing to make sure that everything is “fair”. Unfortunately, that’s what BOTH of you are planning on doing in this situation.