system
May 16, 2011, 10:32pm
31
Re: Engagement - Should you communicate a lot or keep it limited?
@ Demesne: I can totally appreciate that going overboard: calling for hours on end every single day etc would be def a bad thing and I can see what other posters are saying but personally I don’t see the harm in calling / texting / meeting up as long as it is within limits. How can going for lunch once a week/ fortnight or a day outing be a bad thing? I think I’m seeing this as a time to get comfortable in each other’s presence. It doesnt have to be the couple alone: it could be with family members / mutual friends etc - just something informal and relaxed.
There is no harm in that. I agree that it should be so, though in my experience, lunching in the privacy and comfort of home is far better than going out. Going out can be arranged too but you will find that you won’t find too much time to be comfortable with him as such because of the other people around. It becomes another dynamic - you can view how he is amongst people and such but to some extent, you two as a couple will be somewhat in the spotlight , and people tend to act differently (this is NOT necessarily negative, just not going a long way in getting to know the person personally so much) in the spotlight
As for saying something untactful or misconstrued: In the engagement period, I’d like to get to a point where I know the guy’s just joking and not being serious and vice versa. This is what I mean about being comfortable with each other. Maybe I’m young and naive to think it could happen without problems..? I’m not sure…
It can happen, not without the initial teething problems which occur in all new relationships though. And because of the nature of this particular relationship, the teething problems can be severe. Everything said and done is analysed closely in private time usually because of the need to know the person quickly and the legitimate want to understand them. Overanalysis can lead to misunderstandings.
BTW. for engagement I’m referring to nikah. I’m sorry if this wasn’t clear.
Yes it wasn’t very clear. I refer to most of my answers in this context though. That communication lines should have no barrier or external restrictions after the Nikah though they may be monitored before Nikah by parents and such. After Nikah, the girl and guy need to set their own limits but it should be approached with wisdom and tact on the couple’s part, and no one else’s.
EXACTLY exactly the same with my parents. I know that my dad did seriously consider divorce a number of times, but he decided not to for the sake of the kids and now he actively focuses on good points about my mum instead of bad. Alhamd, my parents get on better now and they’re not unhappy. But apart from language and maybe culture (both brought up in Pak) they have NOTHING in common . That is not a life I want to live.
Communicating will not necessarily bring up things in common. It will however lead to a better understanding. Now it is upto the couple to decide what to do with that understanding. Do they like the person more because of it, does it help them deal with the person better etc etc