. I'm surprised the girl's family never mentioned her height and that she never once stood up when the families met.
For the very first meeting, the girl actually did stand up to greet the parents and then sat back down again. So, while she may not have done a whole lot of standing up......(which, let's say may have been done while getting/serving refreshments, etc)...she did stand up briefly. But the parents did not notice it........or perhaps they did.....and didn't think anything of it. Perhaps they weren't aware of what physical qualities their son wanted in a girl. And they should have asked him what he wants in a girl...if they hadn't. And he should have informed them. The guy himself probably didn't get a "jhalak" of her height. So he was not being as proactive as he should have during this whole process. It was very rushed and careless.
i really don't see what your cousin did as so bad. he's a human being and has to think about his future. If he's not attracted to this girl and he realized this later, breaking the engagement now is better than problems in the marriage later on.
physical attraction is important in a marriage, and it would be hell for her too if he feels nothing no love/attraction for her after marriage. he must be really really young and immature to be so impulsive though.
Was it wrong for the guy to reject her? No. But how he rejected her was wrong. For months, the girl and the her sisters tried to talk to him. He could have met the girl and told her in person that he wasn't interested anymore. He shouldn't feel guilt about rejecting her, but he should for the manner in which he treated her. All he can do is get over it. Learn from it, that he needs to look at the prospective brides AND speak to them. IMO, this isn't something that only requires an hour long meeting. If he feels really guilty, then he should send her a text message or something and apologize. It's never late for an apology. Just say that he feels guilty for the way in which he treated her but he wishes she'll find a really good guy.
I think his parents were being really stupid. Khauf from Khudah? They would have more khauf if a divorce resulted.
I think your cousin will eventually get over his guilt, but I'm wondering about the girl.... her self-esteem... she may have wondered several times, what's wrong with her, why was she rejected like that.
Excuse me? Are you trying to say that just he didnt do a big crime, his small crime is fair enough?!. You talk of decency as if he was doing ehsan on the girl by not taking her on dates.
He is not wrong for not liking her for whatever reason, i also believe everybody has the right to want what they like. However if he was so particular about height and all then he shouldnt have been so abrupt with his haan. You are forgetting haan means the rishta is finalised so imagine what affect it would have on the girl and her family.
i think everyone is missing the point here. the OP didn't say that her cousin is totally innocent and did no wrong. she said herself he feels guilty and what he did was wrong but is it healthy to keep blaming yourself and feeling guilty for the rest of your life? he made a mistake but his intent wasn't 100% evil. alot of times people get confused in such sitation and feel uneasy and don't realize whats the right thing to do. the right thing was probably to tell the girls family sooner but the paretns were probably hoping that their son would come around. in anyway, what he did was not AS horrible as people are making it seem to be. its really hard to get married to someone you're not physically attracted to and in our arranged culture with so much 'sharam and haya' it can be hard to check out a girl form head to toe. he could have told his parents about his requirements but maybe it didnt occur to him then.
Excuse me? Are you trying to say that just he didnt do a big crime, his small crime is fair enough?!. You talk of decency as if he was doing ehsan on the girl by not taking her on dates.
No he did not commit a big time crime. it was a freakin engagement that only lasted 3 months, not even a nikkah. He made a mistake, no doubt but what is the point in just blaming yourself and feeling guilty over something like that? what i meant by him being decent enough was simply that he had the decency to not lead her on by going out on dates with her and then breaking her heart. his family is more at fault i would say because in an arranged type rishta, the parents are supposed to make or break the deal.
^ READ what i wrote AGAIN. I didnt say its a big crime!!! I said just cuz its not a big crime, doesnt make his small crime not a crime.
I still don't think he was being decent by not doing what you are applauding him for, that was just being human. He would have been decent if he would have had the guts to call the girl the very next day he realised his feelings and let her or her family know about it. It's wrong to wait 3 months to gather the guts to clear up the mess you created.
Wat's his family's fault? they actually pushed him to go and see the girl. Otherwise God knows maybe he would have had 101 other things to reject the girl for.
Both the parents and the guy messed up. They both made their mistakes. The guy and parents should have discussed the rishta procedure/criteria/expectations, etc. The METHOD (not discussing what qualities you want in a girl, and then rushing into things based on a jhalak) was wrong. NOT having the balls to call the girl....and explain to her that you don't want to go through with the rishta....and apologize to her........was wrong.
And most people here would agree that it's better to break an engagement than to break a marriage (which has more dire consequences...especially for the girl in desi society).
Yes, arranged marriages are uncomfortable and tricky situations....and shyness and parental pressure....and can make things more difficult. But as far as "applauding" is concerned..............I don't think anyone who has responded to this thread.......is applauding the guy or the parents or the overall situation.
but say there was an engagement and a girl found out afterwards that the guy she was engaged to had a family history of lazy eye or squint eyes. she saw some of his uncles that are cross eyed later on and of course her family and she would worry that even if this guy is nice, the future kids might or might not have it. these are superficial things but in this soooo very superficial world all these things matter. a child will suffer wouldn't she/he if she did end up getting this eye defect.
would the girl then break off the engagement which might have been done impulsively since seeing the boy's background and family/relatives was something she didn't think of just then.
i'm just being real here and trying to see this situation in a practical way
That fact that the girl's sisters were already being chipkoo and asking him for favors tells me that they were very much desperate to begin with.. I don't think your cousin did the wrong thing for thinking about his future and how it might not work out.. But, rejecting someone for their height is a bit silly since she could have many great qualities.. Anyways, such is life, your cousin needs to move on. It's not the end!
but say there was an engagement and a girl found out afterwards that the guy she was engaged to had a family history of lazy eye or squint eyes. she saw some of his uncles that are cross eyed later on and of course her family and she would worry that even if this guy is nice, the future kids might or might not have it. these are superficial things but in this soooo very superficial world all these things matter. a child will suffer wouldn't she/he if she did end up getting this eye defect.
would the girl then break off the engagement which might have been done impulsively since seeing the boy's background and family/relatives was something she didn't think of just then.
i'm just being real here and trying to see this situation in a practical way
Ofcourse everything can't be chkd thats y everyone is so vary when the shadi is happening n they pray all goes well. I think in such a situation, it shud be left to Allah. Just pray that he makes things easy for you and your family. Ofcourse each to their own and they wl have their own reaction bt if we keep rejected rishtas based on these things, which are not small but still, then life wl be very difficult.
Ofcourse everything can't be chkd thats y everyone is so vary when the shadi is happening n they pray all goes well. I think in such a situation, it shud be left to Allah. Just pray that he makes things easy for you and your family. Ofcourse each to their own and they wl have their own reaction bt if we keep rejected rishtas based on these things, which are not small but still, then life wl be very difficult.
well this isn't in any way my situation but it's something that had happened to a girl that had a similar experience to the TS's cousin's issues that i had read in a femina magazine a while back. i don't know what i would've done in such a situation
this cousin was going for an arranged marriage, arranged marriages look at all the superficial stuff first, does the boy have a job, salary/financial stability, height, looks,skin color, family background/history, any history of violence/criminal behavior.....all this is superficial in "love" marriages but all very important things to look into.
agree with redvelvet in that he should've been frank and honest with the girl rather than wimping out like that
^ READ what i wrote AGAIN. I didnt say its a big crime!!! I said just cuz its not a big crime, doesnt make his small crime not a crime.
I still don't think he was being decent by not doing what you are applauding him for, that was just being human. He would have been decent if he would have had the guts to call the girl the very next day he realised his feelings and let her or her family know about it. It's wrong to wait 3 months to gather the guts to clear up the mess you created.
Wat's his family's fault? they actually pushed him to go and see the girl. Otherwise God knows maybe he would have had 101 other things to reject the girl for.
he told his family that he didn't want to marry her so it was their responsibility to call up girls parents to end it because in arranged rishtas, it's the parents who call and talk to the other side. the guy should have done it himself if the parents werent doing it but it is mainly the parents job.
secondly, rejecting someone for their looks is not a crime. we all have certain physical criteria we look for.
oops!
well once question sali ke paas jiju ka number kahan c aya? are they getting married or the girls i mean the ex?
anways
well if ur cousin is full namazi and etc its good nice! but abt to get married he should hv decided it before when his parents came to him asking for 2 get married
if he was not sure abt it so why he went to the girl's house 2 c that girl?? why he didnt look prperly 2 the girl?
aaj kal to aisa hota hi nahin larka larki achi trah ek dusre ko janle phir rishte shadi ki baat hoti hai
anways
he did wrong breaking his mangni with and ofcourse he should feel guilty know qauz use pehle sochna chahiye tha
agar shadi keliye ready nahin tha mentally tor pe to phir usne haan ki hi kyoun ya karwayee hi kyoun?
and abt ppl ke larki ki height choti hai blah blah
larke, tune larki ke saath zindagi bitani hai ya uski height ke saath?
the biggest example look adn amitabh and jaya bachan... they are happily married qauz they love eachother
even mom and dad
my dad's height was abt 6 feet and mom's abt 4 feet 4 inches... so?
my parents never got problem with this
isliye zindagi look ke hisab c na bitao balke apne live partnetr ka dil aur nature dekh kar use pasand karo...
simple is dat
well i feel dmn sorry for that girl...
agar woh itna namzi hai etc to khuda aur rasool yeh to nahin kehta ke SIRF look dekh kar shadi karo
sabse bari baat hoti understanding ki if he doesnt want 2 even uderstand himself for this he will never understand other ppl!
Let me make things more clear to all of you guys.All of you are right coz me and my hubby were saying the same stuff to him and I beleive that his parents are at fault more than him alone..The girls did stand once and according to my cousin he was busy in meeting other family members so he didn't notice it at all.He saw her sitting on sofa all the time and even serving stuff was done by her sis.According to his parents they realized the height issue but since my aunt's height is 5 feet so they didn't pay attention to it but his parents have said themselves k hamein pata nahi tha k iss qadar chotee height ho gee..wo to jab uss k saath kharee huee to hamein pata chala..So I think his parents are more at fault .They could have discussed it with him which they didn't and messed it up.
And I was saying he was shareef blah blah..sorry if I wrote it in flow but he is better than a lot of boys.He was a bit reluctant in going to her home for rishta coz he always used to say that its better to look at the girl and family in some party or occasion rather than going their home.
Most of paki families are not comfortable with boy and girl sitting in front of each other and talking before engagement(although it should be practiced to develop understanding)..and speaking about why didn't he talk to that girl after engagement when she was constantly calling is that immediately after baat pakki rasam he was continuously forcing his family to break the rishta asap but his family was not listening to him.Instead they kept on forcing him to go meet her tou shayad tumhara dil uss kee taraf attract ho jaey.According to him ager baatein ker k mangni tortaa tou it was more torturous for the girl coz abhi tak they didn't have any emotional attachment neither was it a love affair between them.
And we questioned him about divorce after nikah(coz the girl side was forcing for nikah) ,he was like agar nikah ho jata tab mein usey accept ker leta aur divorce ka sawal hee paida nahi hota.
As for breaking engagement my aunt didn't have courage to face the family so she talked the girl's mom on phone that we like ur daughter very much but my son wants to go abroad for further studies so he doesnt want to get married rt now and then her friend went to girl's home to return ring and according to her the girl's mom said that we knew from beginning coz he never attended phone and we were mentally prepared but give us money we spent on rasam..they were angry obviously and kisi na kisi pe ghussa to utaarna hee tha...
I feel for both.Coz that girl has a heart too and she went through a lot but inshaAllah she will find a better life partner than my cousin.Ameen
And my cousin made not a mistake but a blunder.I will call it a blunder.. he should have give her a thorough look before saying yes .He shouldn't have rushed into things like this.My hubby always calls him a dabbu.His parents are more to be blamed coz wo uss k peechey purr gaey the k buss abb haan kero un kee taraf se haan hai etc etc.jaldi ka kaam shaitaan ka (issilye kehtey hein)..since he is guilty already and in constant tension so we have stopped blaming him and we ask him to be relaxed..but i hope he has learnt a lesson through it.
Anyways thanks to all of you. :)
This whole hight thing seems kinda odd to me. She stood up to greet them, no? and she was present in the room the entire/most of the time, your cousin was there?
HOW do you not notice some once hight ... man!
And the "rejection" was handled so poorly ... I'm speechless, how can someone treat some once daughter like that!?
Khair, I hope your cousin and his parents learned a valuable lesson from this.
Wow, this guy is not only a jerk, but a self righteous one at that. Why the whole shareef jee han manzoor hai act in the beginning, if he was so particular about certain physical attributes? Also, if he felt so strongly about the issue after the fact, then grow a pair and talk to the girl and tell her like it is instead of hiding behind your parents and ignoring all the calls and texts.
At the same time, I think the parents were also at fault (on both sides, yeah I doubt the girl sitting down the whole time was a coincidence) for rushing the whole baat pakki thing. Come on, in one day?? This isn't the 1970's.
I'm sorry to say but a lit of girls who are well short are kinda tricking people. Someone I know usually tells rishte wale her daughter's 5ft when she's clearly NOT. She's about 4'9" or even shorter than that. She's always in huge heels and when I say HUGE I mean 6 inch long heels.
Did the girl not stand up infront of the guy when he came to see her?