Have you ever done it? How do you stop yourself from giving into them?
Personally, I feel like I’ve been enabling my husband and I don’t know how to stop. He has a superhero complex and wants to do everything for everyone (without even stopping to consider how he will do it). He spoils both his sisters rotten, which is fine because bothers do that. The younger one is well settled but the older one’s husband can’t seem to be progressing as fast in his career as he would like so he wants to move from Pakistan to Canada. Hearing this, hubby proposes we bring sister to Canada to live with us (all expenses paid ofcourse) and pay for her masters as well. He made this offer without even mentioning it to me (forget asking for my opinion). I know he doesn’t have the money for it and will eventually ask me to honour his promise. He has done this to me several times before and I fear my acquiescence in the past has given him the idea that he can get away with promising anyone anything. I was trying to be a supportive wife when he pulled this with his parents, but enough is enough!
Re: Enabling people who don’t learn from their mistakes
And your husband thinks that his BIL will progress in his career faster in Canada?
The BIL will have to spend months/years equalizing his degree and gaining Canadian work experience before he gets a half-way decent job. The biggest gripe foreign (and especially Pakistani educated professionals have is that Canada does not recognize their education or work experience). And who is going to support them while that happens? Is the BIL going to work in Canada? And what exactly will his visa/work status be as the spouse of a student visa holder or will he be applying for a student visa as well?
You need to put your foot down!!! If his sister and BIL want to come (which in itself isn’t a bad thing - a lot of people support/sponsor family immigration) - figure out how much maximum you can spend to support them and tell your husband there’s no more money for his brother’s valima or brother’s studies, no more money for his parents (personal expenses and emergency medical expenses) and no more gifts for anyone - something’s got to give somewhere and the somewhere is the rest of the fuzool kharchi - which sadly now includes something as important as medical bills.
Re: Enabling people who don't learn from their mistakes
It was kind of predictable this big brother complex was going to end up this way. Time to put your money somewhere where even you can't touch it. Do a solo meeting with a financial guide asap. And do not downsize no matter how many well meaning people tell you to. Downsizing your lifestyle to accomodate other people's splurges means you downsize for life. And don't let your husband take a loan at all costs (unless you guys decide to take a mortgage). Believe me this is coming next because your husband is going down a very predictable route.
Re: Enabling people who don't learn from their mistakes
The way your husband is going - you will never be able to afford a home and will never be able to afford to have kids and never have a secure retirement, though EVERYONE else in his family will be living the good life. I am not a fan of the women's income being their own concept. I think if both are working then both should contribute to the household expenses. But in your case, I would have separate accounts and not offer your money to him or his family. Added to which, he should be able to cover your household expenses (rent, utilities, food, car, insurance, etc.) PLUS savings on his sole income. After all, that is his Islamic duty, and if he can be a good son and brother and friend and bhanja and bhateeja, then he might as well be a good husband as well.
I'm curious, what does he think is going to happen when you have kids and you're not working? Or is not working not an option for you (i.e. birth the kids and go back to work in 6 weeks and dump your kids in daycare)?
Re: Enabling people who don't learn from their mistakes
^Exactly! I have learned this the hard way. The moment you say something about what you have sacrificed to provide for them, you will be told "ehsan mat jatao." You gotta put a full stop to this. People don't give a sh*t about your sacrifices and it doesn't matter how nice they seem. Been through it. Enough is really enough!
Re: Enabling people who don’t learn from their mistakes
What I think is most unfortunate, is that I believe that Siren wants to do the right thing and to help out. But helping out your husband’s family is very different than being solely responsible for their successes and financial obligations at the expense of meeting all of your own financial goals.
Siren, if buying a house has been delayed by a few years, then tell your husband that you can’t sponsor his sister/BIL until after you’ve bought your home and had one kid. Uskay baad, dekhee jayegi. If you have to wait for your goals, then they can wait for the fulfillment of their goals a few years as well.
:hinna: I’ve seen this play out in real life for people I’ve known, and sadly it didn’t end well. The wife/kids were the victims and it was only after all of the husband’s siblings/spouses and their kids went their merry way, that the husband realized he sacrificed his own family, their goals and happiness to provide for others and got nothing in return. That’s why this topic gets to me.
Re: Enabling people who don’t learn from their mistakes
It never ends well! Never put your life on hold for someone else who doesn’t even appreciate it. Seen this play out in my own life. Then something snaps in you and you turn into a hardhearted b!tch. That’s kind of what happened to me. I will never tell anyone again to sacrifice their own happiness to make someone else happy. Not worth it.
Re: Enabling people who don't learn from their mistakes
Have you ever done it? How do you stop yourself from giving into them?
Personally, I feel like I've been enabling my husband and I don't know how to stop. He has a superhero complex and wants to do everything for everyone (without even stopping to consider how he will do it). He spoils both his sisters rotten, which is fine because bothers do that. The younger one is well settled but the older one's husband can't seem to be progressing as fast in his career as he would like so he wants to move from Pakistan to Canada. Hearing this, hubby proposes we bring sister to Canada to live with us (all expenses paid ofcourse) and pay for her masters as well. He made this offer without even mentioning it to me (forget asking for my opinion). I know he doesn't have the money for it and will eventually ask me to honour his promise. He has done this to me several times before and I fear my acquiescence in the past has given him the idea that he can get away with promising anyone anything. I was trying to be a supportive wife when he pulled this with his parents, but enough is enough!
If my husband did this, I would ask him with a straight face whether he won the lottery because I certainly will not be his bank for this adventure.
Re: Enabling people who don't learn from their mistakes
Thankyou all for your comments ad advice. BIL is planning to come on a spouse visa (he can get the visa to come after SIL has been a student for a few months). The plan is for him to work while SIL is in school and support the two of them but I'm very skeptical about the situation.
Re: Enabling people who don't learn from their mistakes
Why don't you quit your job? Give any savings you have to your parents (kind of like he's done with his) and tell him he needs to pay for all of the household expenses by himself. Then see what he can afford.
Re: Enabling people who don't learn from their mistakes
Why don't you quit your job? Give any savings you have to your parents (kind of like he's done with his) and tell him he needs to pay for all of the household expenses by himself. Then see what he can afford.
I actually agree with this.
Siren, why do you work? It seems to pretty much most (if not all) the money you earn goes to pay for HIS family one way or another. Most of it doesn't even seem to be "needs"....they're "wants". It's definitely not going towards savings. And your husband's salary is enough to pay the household bills/expenses.
I don't know how you find the strength to go to work day after day knowing that the money you earn won't benefit YOU (i.e. your own marriage/future) at all.
Re: Enabling people who don't learn from their mistakes
I was gonna say the same thing. Give him a taste of his own medicine. Dont quit job but give money away so he knows how you feel.
And then take things from there ie have a plan, stick to it, fulfill your family goals as well as his family's to the extent ppssible.
