Emotionally to physically Abusive Relationship

Lifestyle Relationships
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Hi Guys Im new here…I have a few questions about Times when an emotionally abusive relatinship heads to physical abuse, but the signs arent as an apparent black eye but more of the grabbing by the neck, pinning down with elbow on the throat or hitting(no residual marks) and then acting as if they are a joke..and jikingly doig it. I know of someone who has told me of these.She acts cool in front of her husband but from the inside she gets pretty shaken to the point that now she wants to get something for self defence, and doesnt want to leave her kids with him even for a while. It has really shook her up this latest time.

She does say that the abuse has been there but more emotional with a few times physical (which being a desi , she didnt press charges for the sake of not creating a tamasha etc).She says that there is far more worse happening in people’s marraiges then theirs and most importantly their kids deserve both a father and a mother…and also the stigma of seperating would be too horrible on the kids future,(she is pretty traditional in her thoughts).Also practically she cannot earn enough to raise the family n her own at this time too.She thinks about the practical, but what about the present? What are your thoughts, what would you do in a situation like that?

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Re: Emotionally to physically Abusive Relationship

verve,
is the abuse happening to someone in the US?
i can give her a contact. does she have access to a social worker?

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Re: Emotionally to physically Abusive Relationship

If she thinks she's better off staying with him and exposing her children to their father's behaviour b/c a father is better than no father at all... let her be. Whether we think it's right or wrong isn't really going to change this lady's mind, no matter how terrible her situation is. She might think it, but ultimately it's up to her whether she wants to act on anything or not.

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Re: Emotionally to physically Abusive Relationship

for a child to be in such a kind of household is absolutely horrendous, and can potentially scar them for life. there is no reason to have such an abusive father, and the children would potentially be better off without him. tell her to seek any sort of help she possibly can. the tamasha is going to be there regardless of her staying in the marriage or not, because the outsiders like to watch a spectacle. she needs to get independant, and if that means moving back home then she should definitely seek that option as well.

"bey" se baat asha'r ke sath :)
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Re: Emotionally to physically Abusive Relationship

Having no father is better ... by far better than having someone who torments your mother. What is to stop him losing his temper at the kids...who will she run to if god forbid "jokingly" he hurt the kids? Let her take some form of action. It does not have to be drastic like the cops if she dont want, but some form of intervention. She has to confide in someone his or her family/community member...sooner rather that later. Or else she too may feel responsible for what her kids go through. As for providing for the kids...she has to have faith. People will help her out perhaps to stand on her own two feet and it will be tough...but it may not come to a separation if somehow he does see sense. Please let her ask for help.

You as a friend owe it to her. I know of an ongoing case of an asian couple. The wife, a professonal dentist, is accused of stabbing her husband. She claims it was an accident. He shouted at her and told her to go on her knees and tell him "i'm sorry sir" several times. And then he grabbed a knife and lunged at her, but in that struggle, he got hurt and stab himself. Now the saddest part is that their son witness this and said in court that the mother grab the knife and stab hubby. Imagine having to accuse your mother of killing your father.

This is far fetched ... but if you say she thinking of defending herself...she will do so in a moment of insanity...and it could well turn tragic.

Help her out!!

Altaf Hussain called creation of Pakistan the biggest blunder
Altaf Hussain called creation of Pakistan the biggest blunder
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Re: Emotionally to physically Abusive Relationship

one of these days, the kids will beat up the father when they've had it with the way he treats their mother. thats when she'll probably realise what a big mistake she made in staying with this guy... not to mention the wreck she, herself, will become. she needs to move out with her kids asap, but as sara said, unless she realises it herself, nothings going to happen.

Why are Muslims against Evolution?!?
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Re: Emotionally to physically Abusive Relationship

What a nightmare of a marriage she must be going through. She probably dreads coming home to such a home life when there are constant arguments and fights, especially when there is such emotional or physical pain that comes along with it.
It sucks that some have such a normal "small arguments once-in-awhile" kind of marriage and then there are these kinds that make a person feel like hell almost every day.

Hope she'll be able to find a good job so she can support herself
and one day realize that she can leave and have a better life with her kids.

The only problem is that since there are kids in the picture and the husband has a right to see them, there would have to always be some contact with him. She can't completely escape him.

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Re: Emotionally to physically Abusive Relationship

its funny this topic came up bc- my sister is going thru divorce right now bc she was in a abusive relationship for three eyars- he beat her the second day of her wedding and she fainted and went to the hospital- hed sumtimes throw her out of the house at 2am with her 1 yr old daughter and shed come to our house crying- and now shes finally took the step to let it go- bc she doesnt want her baby growing up in an enviornment where her husband beats her- and the fact this is america u can stop any abuse. she stayed with him for a while bc the desi mentality how parents izzat - my sis and bros future- what the people are gonna say- but u kno what f*** what the people are gonna say its better off leaving a marriage tht wont work out rather than getting beat and then god forbid get killed- now adays i realli think many marriages that im seeing are not working out- and my sisters marriage was an arrange marriage- so idk its realli rediculous now adays-

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Re: Emotionally to physically Abusive Relationship

i think she shud leave him as staying with him wud make her child suffer a lot. i no.. i mean marriages these days r hard to last. they're not working out.

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Re: Emotionally to physically Abusive Relationship

I advise her to get out as soon as possible. You never know what he's capable of in a fit of rage. She owes it to her kids at least to not stay with him. Abuse and verbal torment should not be their definition of what marriage is.... in the end it will take a toll both on her and her kids so she should really think about taking drastic measures sooner rather than later.

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Re: Emotionally to physically Abusive Relationship

On Compromise on abuse. Period.

That man should be told by law or by family to stop or F*** off. He is just sick and needs a good treatment.

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Re: Emotionally to physically Abusive Relationship

It is a very hard situation to be in, and everyone has helped to articulate its complexities. I think along with the danger of physical or mental abuse to herself and her children, she has to remember that she is a role model for her children. What kind of message is she sending to them when she stays in this violent and abusive relationship? What is she teaching them? Children learn from actions, not words.

Perhaps you could ask her, if her daughter was in the same situation, would she want her daughter to sacrifice her mental and physical health for some abstract notion of "izzat"? Would she want her daughter to give up her entire life out of fear for what others will say?

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Re: Emotionally to physically Abusive Relationship

That is really a very good point and I mentioned it to her which really made her cry:(

She is, and I think she has the number of the women shelter, but she says that is just too extreme and will have a backlash

I am try to. I dont know what else to do, she knows most of the stuff and its just after the incidence and her freaking out for sometime, she gets back into the same mode of it will get better.
Whatever I have read so far is suggestive that she should leave flat out.For her the option of leaving is fling back to her parents and that is it. It has eroded her in so many ways then just one:(

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Re: Emotionally to physically Abusive Relationship

Though most people can't change but I would suggest her to make a final attempt, the attempt to convince her husband to get professional help. She should talk him to understand that he has problems and he needs to work on that. If he has any damn sense left in him he should go get some serious counselling. I do beleive that when people are willing to change them, this professional help can really be helpful. Main thing is if he can own his problem and show a will to work on it.
If she can make this attempt then at least she will have no regrets that she did not try to make things work. If he is sttuborn enough to not seek any help then this is his loss. He is likely to loose his family.
My best wishes are with her and I hope that things can work out the the best way for her.

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Re: Emotionally to physically Abusive Relationship

If you re-read my post I have mentioned
"...but it may not come to a separation if somehow he does see sense"

If there is a way she can talk to someone to speak to him it may help. Such people who are abusive and use violence are cowards at heart. If they know someone else knows chances are they will hold out. On the other hand, if she still continues to be weak, then he would not fear the cosequences and staus quo remains.

I understand she fearing to talk to soemone...its the first step which is the most difficult.

Let her know that she is setting an example for her kids. If daughter then she is giving her inferiority complex by saying "its ok if the man shoves you around and abuses you" If its son then she is saying "woman must be subservient to man no matter what the circumstances" Is she prepared for that long-term effect?

Otherwise well its true no-one can convince her except herself. Let her reach the breaking point and make the decision....you just be there for her...I guess.

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Re: Emotionally to physically Abusive Relationship

I know somebody who has gone through this for years. Now she has two kids with her abusive husband and if you look at her she is totally destroyed and depressed. She is not even able to focus on her children and they are kind of handed over to her mother who is old and ill and cant allways suppoer her and the kids.

My heart breaks every time I meet her and see the children. I wish I could something for her which I have tried to many times but she doesnt wanna get out of that relationship despite the abuse and violence she has experienced.....I wish all these abusive men would become better human beings and that the women who are suffering may become stronger to face their challenges!