So lately my 6 year old daughter has become negative about uncles and aunties at get togethers who pick up my younger daughter and say they’ll take her home. At least 3 of my husband’s friends say that every time they meet, and ask my older daughter if it’s OK. Of course we know it’s for fun and they like to tease her. Initially she would just say noooooo and giggle or get all shy, but lately, she’s been very upset at this and she is afraid of meeting these particular people because she feels they are actually out to steal her sister.
She actually made me call all of them to discuss this issue and clarify that they were only joking and that they will never repeat that again.
I understand that all kids have some insecurities and fears. But she knows these people well, they love the kids and are great people… why this sudden onset of fear?
I thought so too Sara. In fact I even asked her if she is jealous that they think your sister is cute? So she denied it, but then the other day, these uncles said they would take her home too...along with her sister and that was like the bomb dropped on her...that these uncles are really serious now.
So there might have been an element of jealousy there too but now it looks like she's really fighting a battle.
I read about this and it really is a fear of little ones. Your little girl may truly think that a relative will take her little sister away and not return her. My middle son went thru this fear and it really upset him, that someone might take his little brother away. It took a while, bit finally he understands that they are not serious...and when he is in doubt, I taught him to come to me and ask whether they are kidding or not. And he does that now...if he isnt sure when someone is teasing, he actually asks me to clarify for him.
Even if the kids fight , they love each other to death and the thought of losing a sibling is devastating for those little kiddos. It is natural.
My daughter and My younger son used to fight , she would be the perpetrator most of the time, because of being daddy girl. Once we went to Pizza Hut , my son was waiting to pickup his order and go. We came out and I started the car and started rolling it, so my daughter started crying that why am I leaving my son here. I told her because you fight with him all the time. She was 3 at that time. She said that she will not fight with him anymore. Let us wait for him.
Now she is eight if I try the same trick now it will not work.
As for her being upset about others taking her sister to their home is a traumatic thought for her. She knows them and knows that they are decent people so they are not lying. and they are serious about it.
She will get over it at an older age and would know a joke from a serious comment. Not at this tender age of 6. She is still a baby.
Niksik sometimes kids don't get "adult" mazaaq. And kids raised in U.S don't really get "desi mazaaq".
You won't hear an American guy saying that to your daughter in the park - can we take your baby sister home with us? That statement might have made her scared, confused and she really thought he was serious because that's not something to joke about (to her)
Kids don't comprehend things as "silly" and really think people are serious.
She'll grow out of it. But you might be surprised that their sense of humor is different that yours.
Best thing to do probably...is to tell her that whenever she hears something that upsets her, come to you and ask you about it, we will talk about it and fix things all up. No matter what it is that's upsetting, we can work it out. Also, plaing with dolls and letting her act things out in the land of pretend can be very revealing for you to see exactly what her fears are and you can step in and help resolve them with her. Hope this helps!!
I like the role play idea MO3. We do talk a lot and she always comes up to me with her troubles. She's such a sensitive child MO3 that sometimes I wish I could wave a magic wand and heal all her worries.
So apart from talking to her and explaining that it is all in good faith etc etc, what else can i do to make her secure?
If it is being said in front of you. Just tell those aunties and uncles that . Naaa you love both of your girls and would never give any of them away , not for a million , billion dollar , never ever.
This is the only thing she will understand that parents will never let anything like that happen.
Once in a while I would like a cute kid and I will tell that kid directly " Can I adopt you" or to their parents "can I adopt your kid"
Kids don't always understand humor or joking. They tend to take things literally especially if it comes from an adult. Why do you think so many little ones develop a sincere fear about JIN BABAS even though their parents were joking? It's because they took it literally.
You assume that your daughter KNOWS that all these uncles and aunties are LOVING people who would never steal her baby sister. But that's an assumption, otherwise she's never make you call the aunties and uncles up.
Kids see ADULTS (parents, aunties, uncles) as BIG PEOPLE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING AND SPEAK THE TRUTH AND ARE STRONG AND POWERFUL. So, when those aunties and uncles took the "stealing the baby" joking tooo far, your 6-year-old started contemplating that maybe the aunties and uncles being BIG STRONG PEOPLE who ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH......are gonna actually steal my sister.
The nice thing in all this is that your daughter has a loving and protective nature toward her sister AND that she communicated her FEARS with her MOM (YOU). You should encourage this communication of hers so that she'll continue it as she grown older. And you should praise her for being so loving and protective of her younger sister.
And then you should sit down and tell your daughter that as her parents you and her father will ALWAYS look out for her and her sister and NEVER let anyone steal them away because you both belong to us and it is our job to keep you both safe and take care of you. SO trust us, we are no match for those aunties and uncles. And also, the aunties and uncles are just joking. They see that you are starting to believe their jokes, so they don't want to give up. But they're still joking and we'd never let anyone steal either of our daughters, we're too smart and strong for that. (U know, word it in a kiddy way).
Niksik sometimes kids don't get "adult" mazaaq. And kids raised in U.S don't really get "desi mazaaq".
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its not mazaaq at all, our people have no idea how to talk in front of the kids, be it serious or joke. First of all "can I take your sister with me" is not a joke.
and what about when they are actually serious. I've seen people saying things like .. aww, how skinny she is, or how little she is .. why dont you feed her...
They say it right in front of the kid. They do it to my daughter and I know exactly how she feels cause people used to say that about me to my mom. It really hurts the kid's self esteem. That is pure stupidity.
its not mazaaq at all, our people have no idea how to talk in front of the kids, be it serious or joke. First of all "can I take your sister with me" is not a joke.
and what about when they are actually serious. I've seen people saying things like .. aww, how skinny she is, or how little she is .. why dont you feed her...
They say it right in front of the kid. They do it to my daughter and I know exactly how she feels cause people used to say that about me to my mom. It really hurts the kid's self esteem. That is pure stupidity.
Agree with you.
Nikki didi how could you think that your daughter is jealous she is so young to understand jealousy. Jub itni bari ho gi tub samjhay gi.
As you said she is sensitive and yeah every kid love their sibling a lot so they don't want to give anyone.
You can teach her how to deal with ppl.
Aap ko phone naheen karna tha buchchi ko sikhana tha kay wo khud bolaay kay naheen hum apni bahan naheen dain gay aap ko aap kaheen aur say lay ain.
Is tarha karnay say wo daray gi naheen aur usko logon ko jawab dena bhi aay ga yani aik teer say do shikaar.
Aap khud ussay samjhain gi kay naheen hum apni pyari baytion ko kisi ko lenay naheen dain gay mahmanon kay samnay naheen akailay main.
Us ko khud deal karna sikhain. Jawab seekhain jawab denay ka tareeqa sikhain.
Gr8Heera, you know I did tell her to be bold and tell those uncles not to take your sister but she is too emotional to do that. She prefers me to handle it, also because she thinks they would listen to me as I'm "big."
I definitely have to work with her more in this area.
its not mazaaq at all, our people have no idea how to talk in front of the kids, be it serious or joke. First of all "can I take your sister with me" is not a joke.
and what about when they are actually serious. I've seen people saying things like .. aww, how skinny she is, or how little she is .. why dont you feed her...
They say it right in front of the kid. They do it to my daughter and I know exactly how she feels cause people used to say that about me to my mom. It really hurts the kid's self esteem. That is pure stupidity.
Talking about mazaaq, I remember one aunty telling her at a party that her parents have left without her. Oh my God, she was devastated. I asked that woman why she said that because it was totally uncalled for but auntyji said, hai beta hum to mazaaq ker rahey they!
Yup , I agree it is traumatic and devastating for a kid her age to hear those things. We desi have twisted sense of humor in this area. We annoy the heck out of kids.
We never try to come to the level of the kids to understand how they will feel. We do behave like kids when we are among adults but when we are with kids we all of a sudden become , big and strong and scare the kids in the name of mazaq/humor. Again it is not a generalization but a very common observation.
and they are serious about it.