Probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. They have alot of trouble diffrentiating between religion/culture but I am proud of me for changing alot of what my parents think. I have even gotten them to like jews and treat em like other human beings more importantly like “people of the book”.
Theres a billion threads on desi aunties and uncles, now i want to know have you done anything to change the situation?
Have you ever changed any of your parents’ weird ideologies? What did it take? :o
good post barfee :k: thank god it’s away from marriage/rishtay
well it’s good that you’ve educated your parents - it takes them a while to understand that things aren’t so bad, and that they should see the world from a different perspective.
my parents are pretty cool though. they aren’t discriminatory towards any culture per se, but sometimes i still feel undertones of it.
but i think it depends on how long your parents have been living in a western/british country/culture for. if they’re pretty new than it may take them some time to adjust, whereas if they’ve been here for over 30 years, like my parents, they pretty much know the ins and outs of it.
When I was growing up and in college, my parents were very strict with me. I couldn't even go to night time movies with my friends, nor did they allow me to have any guy friends. But since I turned out fine, I've gotten my mother and father to loosen up for my siblings.
I've gotten them to allow my younger brothers and sisters to have more freedom to go out, as well as have trust in them. They realize that it won't be the end of the world if someone doesn't have an arranged marriage. They're much more relaxed about opposite-sex friends. And they've become much more open with the kids in the family, so there's less sneaking out or lying.
I made them realize that I didnt wanna live with my cousin who I was forced married to for 4 years. It took me all this time to demand for divorce and at the end they took the stand for me with their stubborn family.
Big victory for little me against the whole "tabbar"!!
When I was younger I wasnt allowed to travel i.e with the school trips. Now I have changed their attitude towards it and have travelled most of Europe all alone :D
It's so inspiring to read these threads! Shows that we really can evolve generation to generation. When I was younger, my father was extremely strict. The emphasis was on school, school, school, and essentially having no life outside it. I wasn't allowed to participate in after-school sports with my friends, couldn't go out after dark (this was especially horrible since here 'dark' is 4:30pm in the winter), essentially couldn't do a lot of things I saw my American friends doing. Once I got into college, I started finding my voice and standing up for what I wanted for myself. It was the hardest habit to break, but I forced myself to stop asking for permission, and made my own decisions, right or wrong. For the next few years, it was more or less war between my dad and myself. Fast forward about 6 years later, and my father is a much changed man. I have earned his respect and trust, and he is much more aware of women's rights and independence. He doesn't 'command' me to do anything anymore, rather asks for my advice and gives suggestions. The best part is, I can discuss most everything with him now, and he treats me on equal terms. There is an equal exchange of respect, and to me, that makes all the difference.
I think going through the different situations life throws at us changes us as well as our parents, it challenges their preconceived ideas and views and as they get older or more experienced they may learn to be more relaxed or laid back..and even perhaps not so paranoid.
It seems to be the eldest children that have to fight for change and the youngest benefit from the rewards
Am I the only one uncomfortable with the idea? Other than the religion part, where one is sure that his parents are on the wrong side, I think it is pretty selfish of us to try and change them.
Ashtray I agree with you... I don't like the idea of changing one's parents or their habbits as well.. no matter who or what they are.. however there has to be a balance in every relationship. Femme yes, expecting ur children to conform to ur every wish is a bit extreme but I won't call it selfish , though I do think taht parnets should be a bit more understanding.
you may want to think parenst can be more understanding but in reality we are talking about humans here..
these peopel havent read a handbook on how to bring up their children and so they try the best way they know how
ie how their parents brought or dragged them up
and then you MAY have a confliction of interests
ie
Mammy and pappy.. "child you must get married at 16 as per our custom"
girl.. "no I want to study and get a degree and job and become a teacher and then get married"
Mammy and pappy.. "but that will mean you will be about 23 before you get married and anyway tisnt teh custom
thou shalt get married because WE know better.. weve known you sisce before you were born and we have your best interests at heart...what would you know..you are just a child and girl at that"
girl.. "I will kill myself" or "I will tell my teacher and they'll have you arrested"
mammy and pappy... "Oh ok then... grumble grumble..."
Ashtray, i am glad that you have a very good understanding with your parents and you feel comfortable with their decisions. But meri jaan, not everyone is on the same page as you.
Some of us find it disturbing when parents themself make contradicting statements. Forexample, they tell us to follow islamic laws and then they themselves have this habit that goes against it .. its not just about letting them agree with everything you say .. its about having that understanding that kids grow up and they need to help them NOT make the same mistakes they made.
I am sure every parent has this at the back of their mind but sometimes the child has to remind them. I know so SO SO SO many desi kids who have done Engineering or Medical just coz they wanted to keep their parents happy.. but the reality is that if you dont' like it the company you are working for is not going to give crap about you.
Again its mostly girls who have to try to change their parents mindset in order to accomplish what they want. Boys generally have a much easier time getting the freedom to do what they want, and even if they aren;t given the freedom, they take it anyway.
I still say that parents wanting to impose their views and desires upon their children without any regards for what the children wish is very selfish. Overlooking others’ desires to get your own way alone, is selfish, wanting another individual to live their life according to how you want them to live it, is also selfish.
