During the rishta process...

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: During the rishta process...

If you've met him and everything else seemed good about him....then go with the flow and look further into it. You are curious about why he's made the request....ask him about it...and as Paheli suggested...ask him if he's okay with providing the same info he asks of you. If you're not sure about the guy....then talking to him can not only provide clarity but some direction as well....as in you'll find out if you should let him go or if this has potential. If you can't get past it, then move on. But if you have doubts that what if there's potential, etc....then you'll find out by exploring this further. Hope this helped some. Best wishes.

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Re: During the rishta process...

This is actually good news. Shows boys side ( is that correct usage) is open and responsible. Better to deal with families not afraid to do their homework. As long as information exchange is two way, I see it being a positive. Since good rishtas are hard to come by you probably should welcome the openness.

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Re: During the rishta process...

This is the way I look at this: You make things "work" when you're already in the marriage. Once that commitment has been made, and you have already started building a life together....then you make it work. There are many things that people don't want to deal with** if given a choice*. I have a health issue that my husband deals with on a regular basis. I was in perfect health when we met. My "issue" started 3 WEEKS after our engagement. Yet he hasn't left me. *IF I had the condition before we met and told him when we met that I had it.....there is a good chance he would not have allowed himself to fall in love with me (and I would not fault him for making that choice).

Example: God forbid if my husband became paralyzed tomorrow for whatever reason...I would stand by him. Why? B/C I love him and have already accepted him as my life partner. But when I was a single woman, would I have allowed myself to fall in love with a paralyzed man and have CHOSEN that extra stress? No.

At this point in time, that guy you're talking to is not in love with you and has the option to walk away IF you share something that he feels he doesn't want to deal with. But that doesn't mean that he will leave you AFTER he falls in love with you and makes an official commitment.

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Re: During the rishta process...

I can understand ur reluctance based on emotions, can't u communicate why ur hesitant? It would clear any misconception that ur hiding something.Maybe he/someone in their family had a bad experience and they want to avoid it.

And ask for the same from him.

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Re: During the rishta process...

I came here to write a comment but then read Paheli's comment and its spot on .. exactly what i wanted to say ... Those are golden words by Paheli

46

Re: During the rishta process...

I don't think there's anything wrong in asking for Medical Reports. Yes, it's awkward, but at the end of the day you are making a decision for the rest of your entire life (ideally).

I was reading about Thallasemia (a blood disease) the other day and that it's quite common in people from the sub-continent mainly due to a lot of marriages with close relatives. There are two forms of that disease: Thallasemia minor and Thallasemia major. The minor one is harmless and its carriers can lead a perfectly healthy life. However the offspring of two Thallasemia minor carriers has a 25% chance of contracting Thallasemia major, which would mean those kids would require lifelong blood transfusions.

Now if your kid was a Thallasemia minor carrier I think it would be irresponsible not to make sure that the potential spouse is free from the same disease.

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Re: During the rishta process...

I'm indifferent. I think its all to invasive while at the same time in some cases necessary I guess. I have never come across these types of cases in my communities ever and usually from what I have seen and heard if there is something a family would be reluctant about giving away, they already have a reputation for it, for ex: a sick child, divorcee or etc .. that theyre trying to marry off. Things always get through the grapevine. I feel like if certain people are going to lie, they always will. I think it makes more sense to ask around if their concerned rather than requesting records? Its too much... No one can forsee the future regardless of how much research you have done and at the end of the day everyone has kismat written for them don't they? I agree that you always have to use your brains and use Islam's guidance as well and be practical but I guess if everyone was following the guidance we all preach about, then most wouldn't be lying about something that could potentially ruin a lot of lives.

What happened to the good old days? Putting your trust in people and working together with the same scarifies and compromises that marriages take. The worst of it used to be people lying about their ages.

48

Re: During the rishta process...

Can do both - make inquiries and also be direct (w/o being rude).

49

Re: During the rishta process...

See, I dont think its a matter of how you say, but saying it at all. It would make anyone uncomfortable.

50

Re: During the rishta process...

ur stories are sad.. the second girl's family should have done research on the guy. he was her COUSIN! family mein kissi ko batana chaahiye tha? may Allah gv her sabr.

51

Re: During the rishta process...

I will be taken aback if a potential rishta asks for medical reports but I would not mind providing them. I would then DEFINITELY ask him to go through a medical examination for me too. tit for tat.

I would prefer things to be normal. Like, just a general yet serious qn about rishta's health/diseases etc and I wouldnt mind answering the same. Aren't these things based on trust? But full medical report will be over the top but it's ok.

Can girls ask guys if theyre virgins?

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Re: During the rishta process...

Like i said earlier it is the Law to obtain a license ( in this country) prior to getting married be you are Muslim-Christian- Jew-Hindu-Sikh etc..everyone is required.

Now I certainly don't agree with physicals, lab test , genome analysis, fertility test , X-rays, MRI .CT scan etc etc list goes on and on-- where arrange marriages are the norm because in arrange marriages many many proposals come and go before one is selected--so it gets a little complicated so many factors comes into effect-mainly Privacy of a person - and if that is the case I would not submit my physical, labs what ever may be---- imagine if every proposal ask for all these elements before getting married ?? it will become impossible to get marry for some or many people because even a childhood chicken pox can be devastating at a later age ?? now once people are married every effort should be made to keep that marriage going --

Love Marriages hmm that is something different -- No one sees any defects be it physical ( outside ) or Medical people will marry regardless and stay until death do them apart-- and i have seen it - a friend of mine got married with a quadriplegic --she fell in love with him both got married he died after 9 years but hey love is love--peace out

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Re: During the rishta process...

Not familiar with laws outside the U.S. so I'm curious......Which country requires a blood test for marriage licenses?

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Re: During the rishta process...

KSA does

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Re: During the rishta process...

Very long post.

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If he/she is ok with giving his/her reports. no biggie.

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Re: During the rishta process...

Sorry Mods. I bumped up this thread.

Is it ok to ask for medical report? I wouldn't say it is ok but I would say, this is fair.

One of my friend who is also a doctor here. Was asked for his medical report so he did provide larkee walaiy such. And when he asked for her medical report it was turn off for them.

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Re: During the rishta process...

In Qatar, recently a rule has been established that both the parties undergo a set of physical medical tests before nikah. I did not understand the wisdom behind this until now :D You wouldn't have to go through the awkward process of asking or giving medical reports during the rishta process, the govt does it for you lol

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Re: During the rishta process...

That's weird

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Re: During the rishta process...

unless you are sherlock holmes, how can you justify what ever report is provided to you is not tampered or actually made in china in less then $1 (you can get papers, inks similar watermarks and all that).

These reports and background check dont assure someone any security, its the Trust and Faith on Allah SWT that bring you happiness and prosperity in life.

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Re: During the rishta process...

^agree

Reha I think you should be asking for reports too...

I think it is perfectly fine to ask for reports...it's better to find things out beforehand then find out later on that your partner is suffering from a mental illness that affects your marriage or another illness that could be transferred to you or your future kids.

However, in your case Reha ...it feels kind of off putting that he asked for yours but didnt provide his... I think whomsoever asks for reports should give their own before asking the other person for theirs. In any case, you may want to confirm what reports he is asking for and ask for his too-aisa na ho ke uss mein aisa kuch ho jiske peeche baad mein pachtaana parre.

People these days are not exactly forthcoming and because of that it seems to have become almost necessary to go ahead and ask for reports ... i wouldnt even mind if they asked for a psychological profile so long as I got one from them too. You never know and I know of at least 4 cases where a couple got married and the girl found out afterwards that he was suffering from a mental condition - all four led to divorces because the guys were in a state of denial in front of the wife (accepting it in front of her seemed to be an issue; each turned it around on her instead) and hence refused to get psychological help.

I agree with the members who said you can't find out everything before marriage, but I would venture...at least find out whatever you can.

A lesson I've learned from life is you should take every precaution you can instead of regretting later the things you should have or could have done to avoid the situation, but didn't because you were naive and took things at face value.

I know people will say things can go down south even with all the precaution...then alhamdulillah... but at least you will not be left with regrets on things you should/could have done that may have helped you avoid the situation altogether.