…is it okay to demand medical reports? Or is that too much?
Re: During the rishta process...
Its ok to ask.GOD forbid If there is something wrong then other person should know about it.
Re: During the rishta process...
Depends why you want the report .. I think its a bit too much
Re: During the rishta process…
bilkul cheez paidar honi chahye …
Re: During the rishta process...
Realistically, in an arranged marriage neither party should mind if asked for certain information .. though all depends on the way its handled ..
In a friends family we had a case where the guy had a major illness and he didnt mention it at the time of the rishta process .. but after the wedding the situation got to a point that the wife was mostly acting as his nurse AND dealing with his very awkward family .. it did end up in divorce for various reasons .. the girl felt cheated in many ways .. khair now they are looking to remarry this girl and they very openly ask for some form of medical report .. some families have found it wierd , others dont mind .. but its just one of those things, this family went through a rough experience before and just want to be extra careful this time ..
similar example is what happens in arrange marriages , guys dont tell their true salary details to the girls father , infact many just lie .. when after marriage the girl finds out about the extreme financial pressures she feels cheated .. and many families who are lying about the salary , if asked for a salary slip during the rishta process , mind being asked about it .. but clearly they fail to realize that a father is about to give away his daughter and he wants to know whether the guy he is marrying his daughter to , is stable or not and whether he will be able to run the household or not .. I dont think father of the girl is wrong in anyway in asking for evidence.
I feel one should feel comfortable sharing personal information during a rishta process but only once the rishta communications have matured a bit .. if asked early on , these things can leave a negative impact on the other family . Hence tackling this diplomatically is extremely important.
Re: During the rishta process...
It's too much.
Arranged marriages are IMO based on tawwakul in Allah that He will Guide the process. If you think like that, then you just need to do istikhara and pray, try and work out if there is compatibility between the two, and leave the rest to Allah.
At the end of the day, if they can hide their medical history, they can hide anything they want.... and there's nothing you can do about it!
So best thing IMO is to take a leap of faith and leave it with Allah.
Re: During the rishta process...
Realistically, in an arranged marriage neither party should mind if asked for certain information .. though all depends on the way its handled ..
In a friends family we had a case **where the guy had a major illness and he didnt mention it **at the time of the rishta process .. but after the wedding the situation got to a point that the wife was mostly acting as his nurse AND dealing with his very awkward family .. it did end up in divorce for various reasons .. the girl felt cheated in many ways .. khair now they are looking to remarry this girl and they very openly ask for some form of medical report .. some families have found it wierd , others dont mind .. but its just one of those things, this family went through a rough experience before and just want to be extra careful this time ..
similar example is what happens in arrange marriages ,** guys dont tell their true salary details **to the girls father , infact many just lie .. when after marriage the girl finds out about the extreme financial pressures she feels cheated .. and many families who are lying about the salary , if asked for a salary slip during the rishta process , mind being asked about it .. but clearly they fail to realize that a father is about to give away his daughter and he wants to know whether the guy he is marrying his daughter to , is stable or not and whether he will be able to run the household or not .. I dont think father of the girl is wrong in anyway in asking for evidence.
I feel one should feel comfortable sharing personal information during a rishta process but only once the rishta communications have matured a bit .. if asked early on , these things can leave a negative impact on the other family . Hence tackling this diplomatically is extremely important.
damn! only guys cheat innit?
Re: During the rishta process…
No, it is not too much, if you present your medical report and demand same pre-marriage tests of to-be spouse. I can not see any disrespect if you are giving equal respect in process.
I know few cases where guy/gal hide their medical conditions. I will say go for it, but again you have to show same level of respect by showing your medical report.
Re: During the rishta process...
The most I'd do is just ask if there's any family illnesses I should be aware of. I wouldn't go so far as asking for reports because that may seem like I don't trust them and I'm demanding proof which may offend them. It would be like asking a potential about their salary and then demanding to see a payslip.
Not saying there's anything wrong with it if two families are okay with sharing such details but I'm definitely not going to go around showing my medical reports and payslips to every other family. Not that there's anything to hide, it's just too.... invasive.
Re: During the rishta process...
damn! only guys cheat innit?
Not necessarily , I am sorry if you got that message , it was unintentional. I know a few guys too who have been cheated by the girls family and that is why in the first few words of my comment I said "Realistically, in an arranged marriage neither party should mind if asked for certain information"
Re: During the rishta process...
i think one has the right to ask but how it is asked is the key...the way to ask must be poliye and and tactful so NOT to offend/turn off the potential rishta.
Re: During the rishta process...
It's too much.
Arranged marriages are IMO based on tawwakul in Allah that He will Guide the process. If you think like that, then you just need to do istikhara and pray, try and work out if there is compatibility between the two, and leave the rest to Allah.
At the end of the day, if they can hide their medical history, they can hide anything they want.... and there's nothing you can do about it!
So best thing IMO is to take a leap of faith and leave it with Allah.
Oh God, please save us that. So many arranged marriages have gone wrong, Allah meant it that way? No.
Re: During the rishta process...
It's not too much at all.
I remember reading about someone who did istikhara three times before a wedding, all three times he ended in a divorce. You are suppose to use your brain, and do whatever it takes to be satisfied with the fact that you can live with this person your entire life, which could include salary slips and medical records. Obviously people lie, so there is nothing wrong with asking for proof. If someone is telling the truth, than they shouldn't have a problem showing it. People need to understand that, and both sides need to be willing to provide the medical records. Yes it's a bit insulting to ask for records/slip, but what other way can you be sure of it? After inquiring this, than I believe istikhara would be the right step.
Re: During the rishta process...
The most I'd do is just ask if there's any family illnesses I should be aware of. I wouldn't go so far as asking for reports because that may seem like I don't trust them and I'm demanding proof which may offend them. It would be like asking a potential about their salary and then demanding to see a payslip.
Not saying there's anything wrong with it if two families are okay with sharing such details but I'm definitely not going to go around showing my medical reports and payslips to every other family. Not that there's anything to hide, it's just too.... invasive.
Agreed, too invasive IMO.
Re: During the rishta process...
It's too much.
Arranged marriages are IMO based on tawwakul in Allah that He will Guide the process. If you think like that, then you just need to do istikhara and pray, try and work out if there is compatibility between the two, and leave the rest to Allah.
At the end of the day, if they can hide their medical history, they can hide anything they want.... and there's nothing you can do about it!
So best thing IMO is to take a leap of faith and leave it with Allah.
I find this view to be naive. It's said that if you don't want your camel to run away, you should tie it first and then have faith/tawakkal in Allah. In other words, it is your responsibility to take precautions and we are not exempt from it just because we may not find out everything about a person.
Re: During the rishta process...
I don' think it's "too much" but you also need to define what you mean by "medical records". What type of records? A general physical from a family physician saying the person is in good health? Blood test? Tests results showing that person doesn't have AIDS or STDs? Detailed tests from a cardiologist saying his heart is good? Psychological tests showing he doesn't have any mental illness? The list goes on and on.......
At the end, there is always a risk that something will be hidden. I know a Indian girl who had an arranged marriage. She's a practicing neurologist here in the U.S., and so was the guy. Everything seemed perfect. AFTER the wedding, when they started liven together, due to the guy's behavior, the girl finds out that he's bipolar. He and his family hid it from her. He wasn't taking his meds like he was supposed to....it caused major "issues" with his personality which of course made the marriage difficult to say the least. Less than a year after the marriage, 1 day girl came home and found his dead body on their bed. He had committed suicide.
So yea......even being a neurologist she (and her family) never suspected a thing before the marriage.
If a guy and his family wants to hide something.....they'll manage to do i regardless of any tests they're asked to provide.
P.S. I think both sides should be ready to share information equally. So if the guy is being asked to provide results from any medical tests.....then the girl should be ready and willing to provide the same.
Re: During the rishta process...
Larka chahe'ay yea Bakra - jis k do daaNth pooray hona chahe'ain Qurbani k leay :)
Re: During the rishta process...
The responses to this question will vary from one person to the other...and of course the approach/manner plays a role as well. Perhaps the person/family had a previous bad experience which has led them to request a report for future rishtas. We can only take a guess at the intentions. If the guy seems nice overall...maybe consider talking to him about the matter. It can give you an idea about his reasons, etc. I'm guessing that if he wasn't that interested, it wouldn't have reached the point where he'd make the request. That said, if he seems like a nice guy, you can see where this goes....and he could end up putting u off or it can work out. If you find the request to be a serious red flag that you can't overlook...then move on. But I think it's hard to judge him and his character just based on this.
Re: During the rishta process...
Larka chahe'ay yea Bakra - jis k do daaNth pooray hona chahe'ain Qurbani k leay :)
Well, with the blatant lying that many people do these days and lack of ethical and moral values .. its better to be safe then sorry, by investigating a potential rishta to one's satisfaction. Whether the other person feels like a bakra, depends on how much they are hiding and lying ..
I know that when my father is looking for proposals for my sister, he is as open as possible about providing any kind of information that other party requires and in return my father expects the other party to remain open in terms of information provision ...
People will only feel their privacy attacked if they are hiding things .. and its better to catch such people at the rishta process rather then regretting later after marriage. Thats what arrange marriage is all about .. stranger families meet and both should have equal rights to investigate to their satisfaction.
Re: During the rishta process...
Oh God, please save us that. So many arranged marriages have gone wrong, Allah meant it that way? No.
Totally disagree. Arranged marriages can go wrong - but that does NOT mean you attribute it to Allah God-forbid.
Also, no matter how hard you try, you will never ever ever EVER be able to find out every single thing of that person, unless you marry them. That's where the trust in Allah part comes. Simple as.