^
Well, she says he feels bad after he has calmed down about how he behaved etc. He promises to get therapy but he never goes thru with it. All these promises(false ofcourse) have kept her hope alive. But it is more than evident he isn't going to change his ways. I can see it.. and I am sure most people will agree after reading all this. But she is blinded by the so called love which she has for him.
Yes.. she won’t like any interventions. she has warned me against telling all this to her parents. But I think I have to. The only thing holding me back is .. i know she might never like to see my face again after that.
Irem.. the low self esteem thing is right. I have read about such cases. Women suffering such mental and physical abuse have a bad case of lowered self esteem. My friend thinks her life would be hell without this monster.. I mean.. how bad could it get? It will only be good without the loser.. but she cannot see that. She fears she won’t be able to find someone as
“good” as him ever. Now u see.. what people are on about.
Thanks for your support Irem.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Matsui: *
www.sakhi.org ...tell her to use it
[/QUOTE]
Thanks matsui. If only I or someone else could convince her that the man is ruining her life.. this would really come in handy.
Chandbeti yaar, it could be her loyalty to that person as opposed to low self esteem too? they say that love and loyalty n those thingz r blind..hmmm..
this whole thing is very complicated...n wife beating is so very very common in our culture, even among so called educated and civilised ppl... :-/
i personally know of cases where women who r totally independent financially n r confident women etc, still stick to abusive relationships solely coz of reasons such as 'pyar' and 'wafa nibhana', and esp if they have kids then they'll stay for the kids...
p.s. from reading ur posts, she seems to be ok with it overall then yaar y r u not? she's the only one who can decide yaar, if she's ok with it then she must have reasons, i'll say leave her and the most u shud do is offer a shoulder for her to cry on
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by irem: *
p.s. from reading ur posts, she seems to be ok with it overall then yaar y r u not? she's the only one who can decide yaar, if she's ok with it then she must have reasons, i'll say leave her and the most u shud do is offer a shoulder for her to cry on
[/QUOTE]
Irem.. She gets beaten by him till she turns black and blue or passes out.. whichever comes first. He bosses her around.. calls her swear names.. treats her like dirt. She is in pain. She is sharing coz it is too much to bear. Her low self esteem and so called love crap is keeping her bound to the monster ... NOW you decide, if I should poke my nose in between or not.
on a similar note and just to reiterate what i said...
i dont think a third person should ever intefere in a husband wife relationship thinking they know what's better for their friend/brother/sister/son/daughter etc
thats the reason why a lot of marriages go thru problems in our culture...especially when its by the girl's well wishers [and i am not doubting their intentions in fact i know they really care]
lekin i have seen this happen and i think its not a good idea
firstly what happens between the couple should not be told to anyone outside the husband and wife, if the wife says it to a third person she is being immature n if u r the third person, then for the sake of the marriage, instead of instigating her further, u shud try to calm her down *
i believe k just leave the two individuals husband n wife alone, they r gona be able to sort their problems between each other
help them only if they ask for help or if they come to u for the purpose of help
often women just want a shoulder to cry on but the other person gives more than that and takes over n starts telling her what to do which is not good....so Chandbeti, u r her friend, just offer her support n consolation, but dont tell her what to do n dont convince her abt something i.e. she needs to leave the guy...unless she herself comes to that conclusion *
khayr just my two cents :-)**
i understand yaar…lekin…naheen…do not
unless she herself comes and asks u to…not when she is in a fit of emotions…but if she asks u in a serious way after she has thought abt it with a cool mind…
Absolutely don’t listen to the above advice. Kids 
Keepong things between husband and wives get wives killed in south asia and places they immigrate to with people with this thinking…ridiculous!!!
Leaving women is situations where they have cultural and familial and religous shackles for seeking help is almost as bad as abetting. If you feel her life is in danger or her health is in danger, you should definitely be proactive.
You don’t want to say to yourself later..“what if I did something…”
CB, go for it. Definitely at this point, risk all there is and inform her parents as well as the authorities re: what the husband is doing to this poor woman. She might think it's love or loyalty or whatever but all it is is basically this non-ending cycle of pain and suffering. I feel bad for her. Time is awasting so be proactive as her good friend and get help fast before God forbid something worse than a black and blue beating happens to her.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by irem: *
on a similar note and just to reiterate what i said...
i dont think a third person should ever intefere in a husband wife relationship thinking they know what's better for their friend/brother/sister/son/daughter etc
thats the reason why a lot of marriages go thru problems in our culture...especially when its by the girl's well wishers [and i am not doubting their intentions in fact i know they really care]
lekin i have seen this happen and i think its not a good idea
firstly what happens between the couple should not be told to anyone outside the husband and wife, if the wife says it to a third person she is being immature n if u r the third person, then for the sake of the marriage, instead of instigating her further, u shud try to calm her down *
i believe k just leave the two individuals husband n wife alone, they r gona be able to sort their problems between each other
help them only if they ask for help or if they come to u for the purpose of help
often women just want a shoulder to cry on but the other person gives more than that and takes over n starts telling her what to do which is not good....so Chandbeti, u r her friend, just offer her support n consolation, but dont tell her what to do n dont convince her abt something i.e. she needs to leave the guy...unless she herself comes to that conclusion *
khayr just my two cents :-)
[/QUOTE]
Irem.. I am speechless. You are asking women to shut up about their abusive men? She is immature if she speaks out about her sufferings?
It is better to break up such pathetic relationships than letting them thing turn into some gruesome homicide.. don't u think so. Like who gives a crap about stupid values and culture when someone's life is in danger?**
Irem thats a pathetically stupid and ignorant answer. poeple like this casue the death of women, along with the husband they bind these womens feet so they can’t run.
Feel happy.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by sweetpie: *
CB, go for it. Definitely at this point, risk all there is and inform her parents as well as the authorities re: what the husband is doing to this poor woman. She might think it's love or loyalty or whatever but all it is is basically this non-ending cycle of pain and suffering. I feel bad for her. Time is awasting so be proactive as her good friend and get help fast before God forbid something worse than a black and blue beating happens to her.
[/QUOTE]
Yes. I think I have to do it. Let her parents know all that is really going on in her life. They will do all that it takes to get her out of it.
Thanks SP. :-)
Chandbeti i'm not asking that by any stretch...she has every right to talk about her sufferring and seek comfort from her well wishers if her sufferring is genuine...which in this case seems to be...
however, i have seen women complain to every jane, julie and jill about their husbands and publicise every small thing that goes on between the couple, which i dont think is healthy...
and in this case, as i said, unless she decides she wants to separate from her husband, what can you do? r u going to force her to separate from him?
i have seen cases where some concerned person will call the police or something and the woman will flatly deny it then that her husband ever abused her...
my point is...give more credit to her and let her decide for herself...let her know u r there for her and help her IF she asks you to...
^
Irem: She is blinded by love. Her self esteem is low. She is in pain, but hopes for things to get better..etc etc. This is like the millionth time I have typed it out. I know it would be too late b4 she cries out for help( physically)... such cases have happened.
The problem with our screwed up society and this world on a whole is that ppl "assume" woman is tolerant coz she is a WOMAN and that crap. They expect her to go thru hell b4 she does something as crazy as dumping an abusive *******. Well I think all these cultural expectations, her love and some loyality trash are gonna keep her from asking for "genuine" help.
I know ..she might even go to the extent of proving me false to be with that sob .. but I have to try u see. I know what she is going thru..and if I keep silent about it.. would make me a culprit in more than one way.
hmmm…
i dont think dumping an abusive husband is crazy at all…its very normal and natural…but it, the dumping, should come from the woman herself n not b the result of others forcing her…
khayr if u feel so strongly abt it and r convinced then i wont stop u…so go for it :k: good luck…hope her problems get solved inshallah
if you do tell on him, she'll be left nowhere. If you dont tell on him, haha, i dont know, she might be able to cope with it. She needs to feel like she can dump him herself, not have someone else do it for her..buttttt if i were you, i would tell on him. Because i have a problem keeping my mouth shut.
^
ahan.. sure I'll "tell on him".
I must say I’m (un-pleasantly) surprised at the mixed comments re: this issue on this thread. I mean, there should be absolutely NO question whatsoever what the right thing to do here is! This woman needs to get out of the abusive relationship, establish her own self-worth, and re-assess what she lacks (whether it’s self-esteem, confidence, etc.) Then I think she needs a breather from men for a while, focusing on herself instead, and once she knows well and good what it is she wants, she can at that point start establishing a relationship with a new man. In the meantime, she will probably hurt for a little while…darn it, she is only human and obviously she has emotions for her husband… but at the end of the day, she needs to set herself free from this pathetic excuse for a man and although she may care for him right now, she must realize that she needs to get out of this mess for her own good. In this day and age, no woman (and I mean NO woman!) should have to go through any kind of abuse from anyone, let alone from a spouse or a significant other. Wake up, folks! The world has changed alot since antiquity and it’s time to finally enter into the 21st century.
Chandbeti,
Since I live in a state in the US with one of the highest domestic violence rates, we all received education on it in school. The police came into our classrooms and talked to both the girls and boys - we were in 12th grade - separately.
As females, we were told that of course no one can force us out of an abusive relationship but that we should at least be aware of a few things. One thing that sticks out in my mind is this fact told to us by the state police ----- one of the last forms of abuse a man takes out on a woman is choking her or strangling her. The police told us that this is usually the last step an abusive man takes before the abuse gets bad enough to cause death. PLEASE - if you know whether or not her husband has ever tried to choke her, tell the parents. Maybe it will end your friendship, but at least it will save her life.
^
Thanks anhandi. Now I am scared. I will call her as soon as possible and ask her if he has done anything like choking her etc.