This is what I keep on telling my freind who is caught in a horrible abusive relationship.
He abuses her physically, verbally and mentally. But then he feels bad for what he does( she says ) and asks for a second chance.. which she obviously doesn’t deny. I have been telling her to get out of this thing for like months now, but she says she is in " love " with the pathetic loser and she thinks everything will be okay with time * wishful thinking*.
I don’t know what to do. I plan on telling this to her parents( no one knows she is being beaten and abused by this loser.. she is in u.k and her parents in India), but she has warned me against doing so because they have a lot on their mind already and it would kill them( emotionally). Really am in a jam here. I fear for her life .. she says he gets so mad at times.. yells as if he is possessed and beats her till she turns blue. I have tried everything I can.. but talking on the phone isn’t really helping much. She has shut her sense down or soemthing.. she refuses to reason.
Help me people. Help me get my friend out of this damned relationship.
^
She is in U.K and myself in the U.S. I only wish I was there with her.. maybe it would have been easier to call the police on the freak. But the thing is she won't ever forgive me for such a thing. I don't want to lose her friendship either. Thus I haven't told this to her parents yet.
you can't help her.. SHE can help herself.. get her some couselling.. she needs better sense drummed into her.. more often than not battered woman follow a personality of low self esteem where they think part of what they receive is deserved and their misplaced 'love' is only a scared attempt to maintain status quo so as not to look like a failure or have to deal with the consequences of taking the tough step of moving out.
Most battered women return to their abusive spouses many times before they really get it into their system that it isn't working.
It may appear everyone places the 'blame' on the victim herself when it's actually the abusive husband we should be condemning, but face it, common sense dictates she distance herself from this loser before anything else can happen.
Tell her to watch Sleeping
with the enemy. As for helping her,
no one can help her until she decides to
help herself. Some women like men
with the bad boy image maybe she is one
of them.
^
are you kidding me? Bad boy image is likable as long as they wear their leather jackets and have a toothpick between their teeth... anything beyond that is repulsive. Who wud enjoy getting beaten up everyday for no apparent reason?
PakistaniAbroad: thanks. You are right. I think I ought to ask her to get some counselling herself. She wanted him to take some therapy.. but he promises he would and he never does.
She needs to come to her senses before something really bad happens.
Give this information to your friend. This organization has 250 refuge homes set up across the UK where your friend can go. Tell her to contact them.
Women’s Aid 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline:
Telephone: 08457 023 468
Email: [email protected]
Post: P.O.Box 391, Bristol, BS99 7WS
You, as her friend, can also contact them so that they can tell you what you can do for her … but as Pakistani Abroad has said, the final decision to leave this abusive relationship is up to your friend. All you can do is give her such information for when she decides to walk away.
No I'm serious. You'd really
be surprised at how far the bad boy image goes.
And it goes way beyond just wearing leather and
riding motorbikes. My point was, it starts out
with the likeness for the bad boy image and before
the girl knows it it's rebounding out of control. Cheating,
screwing around, flirting with other women and what not
all are extensions of the bad boy image. Your friend may
not enjoy getting beaten up but she choses to turn her head
when it does happen.
He promises to take up counseling but
he doesn't. He beats her up and then apologizes, he's
forgiven. She claims to be in "love" with him. Please!
Do you know how many south asian women choose
to stay in such relationships because they don't want
to make the tougher choice of getting help and moving
on? You or anyone can present her with tons of women
shelter places, help lines, battered women organizations,
but to pick up the phone and give any of them a call, or
paying them a visit is something she'll have to do on
her own. She doesn't want you to call her parents, what will
parents do anyway if she doesn't let them do anything,
you'll be back to point A. Bottom line is some people
don't change, and some habits never die. Forget counseling,
forget everything, she needs to dump him and move on
and make that decision at her own will.
^
Yeah..she might never come back to her senses. I cannot wait till she dies or gets handicapped. I know she has to make the decision herself. But there have been cases where women have continued to stay in such relationships and ended up six feet below the ground or in some hospital getting there bones fixed. She might hate the world for being seperated from him.. but it would be for her betterment.
Have you heard of the
saying, "you can make someone hold the
pencil but you can't make them write?"
It's one of those situations. Human nature
inclines towards the reasoning that she
kick out this jerk and bring an end
to his life with her. Whatever he does
from that point onwards is his, but sadly,
you can give her all the statistics, the
help, the contacts she can call, but you
can't draw up a divorce for her and have
her sign it. That HAS to be her decision.
I’ve come across men who give the appearance of seeming very “dangerous”/living a bit on the wilder side of life perhaps, and thus become attractive in the girl’s eyes but soon the person starts abusing and controlling the girl while she’s sitting there thinking nah, it can only be love or concern, not abuse. It can overwhelm some girls who may be thinking wow, he seems so nice. But it’s only a matter of time before she realizes what kind of a person would do that especially also considering the person’s past track record with women, their habits, etc. There are men who have a string of bad relationships where there is some kind of abuse prevalent, whether it is verbal, physical, or a combo of both. It’s just terrible and I think it is part learned from what may have gone on at home between the guy’s parents (and he’s internalized it and sees it as the right/proper way to treat a woman) and part inherent within this person to behave this way. I wish these men would seek some serious therapy, and the women come to grips with reality by dumping their sorry behinds.
For most of the desi woman its a real hard step to get away from the abusive husband , because they think about other sbefore thinking about themselves.e.g. what will ppl say, ?? what will my parents say??how hard will be for my youger sisters and my daughters to get married??? etc. and in our desi comunity these are very important things and these things make them weak. by says that her husband will start loving him or stuff like that is just the coverup for reall worries.
as some one else said above she need some counsellation to make her mentally strong enough to take such a step and that seems to be the only way.
SP.. you are right girly. But this guy is anything but wild. He looks like a total
geek. Very gentleman like in front of others atleast. I have met him and never suspected he cud even kill a fly. Obviously I was wrong.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Praetextatus: *
give us the guys adres :o Uk s not far from here, It will take less then a day and he wont be able to beat anny one again.
pm is fine or email can do aswell
[/QUOTE]
oh.. thanks for the support. But this isn't the right manner to solve the problem I guess. I dunno .. maybe it is.. I am confused myself.
Well you’d be surprised how many such guys exist, CB. You have to be very careful in choosing the right person because first impressions can be very very deliberately deceiving. You have to really get to know the person pretty well before putting your feelings on the line. “Diamonds in the rough” are pretty hard to come by but they’re out there. I truly believe that. Keep trying and you shall find…
aye aurat, khaas ker mashriqi aurat, teri wafa aur tera sabar hi teri kamzori hae, mard tere qabil nahin…
Chandbeti, this happens all around us all the time and is so very sad and i dont know what the solution is!!! yaar doesnt she have any male family members who can intervene? i have seen that only that helps, even tho i’m sure she’s gona be against it
for those in the thread who think the poor woman is bearing all this coz of low self esteem or coz she likes the bad boy image u guys have no idea abt the way a woman’s mind and heart, specially a desi woman, works…i’ll just say that u guys r mistaken n underestimating
The problem is that in the UK,he cannot be prosectuted unless she, as victim of the crime, lays charges against him.
So nothing will be done unless someone persuades her to do it herself. Out of curiosity, what is her reasoning for thinking that everything will get better in future?
to abusive men.
u guys have no idea abt the way a woman’s mind and heart, specially a desi woman, works…i’ll just say that u guys r mistaken n underestimating