as a future married young woman or a man, if someone only drinks wine and
smokes a little, and does so alone, and does not expect the spouse to
do so, nor intends to annoy him or her or their family by these habits;
and if the future spouse does not like that & if u cannot right away wean
off of these substances, or u may not want to ever, then, how can u make a genuine and decisive pact that is reasonable, fair and protects the relationships, the marriage itself and not indicate nor evoke a disregard towards the proper place of mutual respect and trust, in that pair’s relationship? does it have to be a deal one way or the other?
Hypothetically speaking, I would not even consider marriage with someone who drinks. Although smoking may not be as bad, I would still try to avoid a smoker.
for those of you who said that you wouldnt marry someone that smokes or drinks....what if you didnt find out until after marriage that they did or perhaps they picked up the habit after marriage....then what would u do?
yeah if u marry a person after seeing him only 2 times i dont think u will ever now about his bad habbits, lehkin agar sahi chaan been karo usski, for being concerned u could ask someone who knows that person very gud,
its really bad if after marriage u know his bad habits, and be4 he shows nuthing .. but u are right such things like this happen very often...
interesting dynamics.
people do change. i agree.
it is also true that these are not habits for only males.
some females also have these habits.
and double standards argument aside,
there is quiet a possibility of something such as accepting (or rejecting, peacefully), a future spouse who has these habits.
compromise can be made. yet, again, the conditions must be equal.
also....some ppl can develop bad habits AFTER marriage.
I agree with Dushwari....you have to make some compromise if you have exhausted all other options....unless the drinking (especially) has resulted in some kind of physical or mental abuse in which case compromise isnt even an option.
i agree, u cant trust anyone, everything can happen at evry time .. bas allah se dua karro that everything will come allright .. and keep ur eyes open for choosing a jeevan saathi..
One of my bhabi made my friend stop smoking by threatning to SMOKE with HIM (and she did it once). She was like , well you smoke with your friends and think there is nothing wrong in it, i'll smoke with wives of your friends...AS THERE IS NOTHING WRONG IN IT .. :)
I have never smoked, never even held a bottle of alcohol/wine in my hands and even tried to keep it as distant as possible from my visual sight too, never even came closer to the drinkers. In case of the marriage, it will be a tough situation for a boy like me to be faced with. I'd give that person space, time to think about this issue. Sometimes, simple reassurance, support and concern can make them change themselves. Sometimes, they just simply are unaware of the nature of the act they are committing. I'd certainly make some efforts to make the other person look at it from all perspectives, evaluate it from all aspects and how do these thing relate to their lives.
Humans do change provided they are somehow made to orient themselves in the right perspective, if they are made to realize they stand and deserve for much much better. I don’t think everybody smoking/drinking is bad by nature or bad altogether and they be rejected and humiliated in any way. Either they don’t realize what they are doing is bad or that they are resorting to these things for some reason (which could be any). Whatever the case, as an educated person and considering the other person a human too, I’d give some time, space and show my vision about the person. My approach will not be to force anything on anyone but just to help them see the nature of these acts with a hope that they understand and modify themselves by realizing the wrong side of it and how it does not suite with how I’d regard them.
For the attachment, belonging and love I foresee for my life partner, I don't think these habits are commensurate with how highly I’d envision her, whosoever she will be. Knowing all that will definitely freeze me in time and person however, personally, if I’d have regard and respect for the individual, I'd make all efforts to make that person realize this fact. And I think if I cannot bring out a better individual in someone, or that they cannot become a better individual by being with me or they cannot see the better individual in them by being with me or they cannot aim for better by being with me, then it will be disappointment.
If its something they do before marriage its unlikely that you wouldnt find it out...surely both people want like minded partners...if they drink they'll want someone who drink aswell as to not get a hrd time about it...if they find someone who is likeminded it will make life easier for them...
