Here I go again, dreading July when Grandpa comes to visit. I dont know if I’m wrong, seeking your input. I am a “gora” and my husband is from Pak, raised by his grandparents. Grandmother passed away 5 yrs ago and grandpa has a “green card”. In order to keep his green card, he has to return every 6 months - he uses it kind of as a multiple entry visa (which really shouldnt be allowed but they never give him trouble over it). Anyway, grandpa gets waited on for each meal, freshly prepared and nicely presented, two snacks a day and dinner at 10 pm. He also comes here for the shopping more than the visiting. He wants to go to the malls every day - and his host pays for his purchases. He is a nut about cleanliness and clutter so the house needs to be perfect when he’s here (HAH! with 3 little boys?!!) I am a bit resentful of this since the 3 boys are age 3 and under. I nod asleep into my dinner plate at 10 pm which is past my bedtime and that of my boys, cant afford his shopping sprees and need to take care of my boys - the oldest has troubles and has special classes and therapies almost daily. If we say anything at all to Grandpa, he will get all insulted and disown us. Yet he is not flexible at all on mealtimes and complains to the family back home if he doesnt get his way on shopping etc. Then family back home is mad at us and thinks we’re inhospitable which seems to be the worst thing anyone could be. They are all concerned over whether grandpa has a nice time and dont understand AT ALL that the lifestyle over here is very different from there. I have no help around the house, its just me. ANd I dont work, I stay home to care for my boys so money isnt a problem but its not like we can be extravagant either. When he is over, I do my best to make sure he has a nice time and smile as much as I can but as time goes on, I’m finding it more difficult each time. I know how important it is to respect and honor the elders but shouldnt they have just a bit of flexibility and understanding too? My poor dear husband is caught in the middle - he understands completely my point of view and also the views from back home. I think all I can do is grin and bear it but looking for input and comments from the guppies. I want to add one thing - I know the culture of Pak means that the elders are always cared for by their offspring but I would NEVER do this to my children. I want them to have their own life, enjoy it to the fullest and not impose myself on them - ever - when I’m old and feeble. I’d go to a state-run home before I’d do that to my boys. I think thats a gora thing but I am not raising my boys to be caretakers of me. I think maybe I’d be different if I lived in Pak, but since we live in america thats not an option. Again, helpful input is appreciated as always.
KICK HIS OLD FART ASS OUT OF THE DOOR REALLY HARD!
He is a selfish, rude, insensitive old man who is exploiting the age factor.
^^^
LOL!!!! with tears in my eyes!
Seriously, I think he loves his grandchildren and all more back home in Pak than you guys. He thinks you guys here in AMerica are doing well so he can exploit you as much as he can. Making you pay for gifts he is buying for "OTHERS' is obscene. He may want you to pauy for things he is buying for personal needs but making you pay for presents that he will drag back is ridiculous.
It's not baout money really. It's about his insensitivity and lack of respect for your family.
Is there no other family in America that he can stay with or is your husband the only family he has here?
I don't know. This is a tough situation. You say your husband has already tried talking to his father about his spending sprees and habits?
When you stay over with somebody, you have to be willing to compromise. Most people understand this. It's unfortunate your father-in-law does not.
On a side note, have you ever visited Pakistan and stayed with your in-laws?
Mehnaz, couple of things... he is grand father -in-law and it really doesn't matter if she has stayed with them in Pak or not. It's about this guy's complete lack of respect for others. I know NOT all elders are like him. I think he is a rare piece. Most elders are caring and would rather make your life easier than be a pain in the ass. So, I think everybody should give Mama of 3 advice on how to get rid of this menace to society.
When grandpa comes over, its usually for 2 months or so. We get to pick him up at the airport and have him for a week or 2, then he goes to see his sons. Then we get him again for his last week or 2. We dont discuss money or spending with grandpa, i think its not polite.
Yes, I went twice to stay at his house in Pak, for one week each time. It was just lovely. He had servants who waited on me, did my laundry, cooked nice food etc. They had a beautiful party for us. I did a little shopping but I kept it to an extreme minimum when I found out that they were paying for it. I also left enough money to cover my expenses when I left.
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*Originally posted by funguy: *
Mehnaz, couple of things... he is grand father -in-law and it really doesn't matter if she has stayed with them in Pak or not. It's about this guy's complete lack of respect for others. I know NOT all elders are like him. I think he is a rare piece. Most elders are caring and would rather make your life easier than be a pain in the ass. So, I think everybody should give Mama of 3 advice on how to get rid of this menace to society.
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I know it doesn't matter whether she visited Pakistan or not. I was asking out of sheery curiosity. Nor did I say anywhere that all Pakistani elders are like this. This elder is not willing to compromise which is the problem.
Anyway, it seems like he stays with you for a few weeks only. If your husband is not willing to say anything, what can you do Mama? Nothing.
"Anyway, it seems like he stays with you for a few weeks only. If your husband is not willing to say anything, what can you do Mama? Nothing"
Thats what I was afraid of! Lol! Just makes for a Loooooooong summer. Which I'd really prefer to ENJOY with my little boys.
Dinner at 10 PM : You can solve this by putting all three boys to sleep by nine o'clock at the latest. I know it's still light outside in summer but you gotta do this. Also eat dinner with them at 7 or 8 PM. And at 10 PM, let the Mr Grand Child (your hubby) and the Mr Grand Daddy eat the dinner together like a romantic couple. You can be present at the table and snack on a fruit or something.
House Cleaning: Don't give a shiit about it. Let the boys live as usual. And every few hours say out loudly that you would love the house to be clean if everybody chips in and picks up after HIMSELF. Also, scream out loud about the lack of servants like they have in Pakistan. And say that WE HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING OURSELVES no matter how old or tired we feel. Also mention how your elders help your women around the house.
Shopping at the Mall: Ask your husband to stop using credit cards. Use cash. And when it's time to pay...pull out his wallet and give the cash to the dude and make him pay the cashier. Put a limit of $200 per day (and tell Grandie this is the limit a bank allows per day). Beter yet, make one of your little boys pay for great grand dad.
Tell him that on this trip, since hehas a green card, he has to do things like an american. Like doing your own friggin dishes, cooking, laundry...cleaning up. Help around the house. I have uncles and aunts who come here form INdia and they act like they did back home. The wives never get out of the kitchen, does their ironing and clean up after them. The men from South Asia are assholes. Period!!!!
Well all you can do is try not to let him get to you. At least you know your husband is aware of the situation and you have somewhat of his support. I know, easier said than done.
I honestly don't think there is much you can do. You can't tell him not to visit you or spend money. He sounds very stubborn and set in his ways and trying to get someone like that to change their ways and think of others is quite difficult. Just try and tolerate it if you can or insist he take the boys to the park and spend some quality time with them rather than just going to the mall.
Mamaof3 there isn’t much you can do besides saying whatever is on your mind clearly. Tell him that you are completely worn out by 10 so he can warm up the dinner once he is hungry cos you have to go to sleep. But really it’s only 2 weeks each that too with a 4 week interval. Maybe you could sacrifice your sleep for just these 4 weeks?!?!?! Sleep an hour later! We stay up for our kids too if we have to don’t we, so bear with the parent for a bit too. He is dead-set in his way and trying to make him change will only make a mess.
The spending part is more difficult. Next time you go to Pakistan do not minimise your shopping expenses because they are paying for everything. Also do not leave any money behind to cover up for your expenses. I don’t know about their expectations but I wonder if they offered you all that luxury with or without hopes of return. Either way they had no guaranty that you would eventually pay for everything so that was nice on their part. We people living outside of Pakistan usually take it upon ourselves to pay for everything and not burden anyone. Even when my family goes to Pakistan we give relatives money when leaving the country so they can recover their expenses and that is besides gifts that we take them. I think that gives them more of an impression that we are actually rolling in money. Don;t know who’s to blame there. But if you spend lavishly in Pkaistan at his expense that just might make him spend a little responsibly when he is over. Or he might even spend more to recover what he spent plus what he would have spent anyway 
Just don’t take him to expensive places or tell him that you are okay paying for stuff for him but he has to cut down on the gifts a bit. You just can’t afford it!
Matsui, I know what u mean. This friend's dad needs his cup of tea at 7 AM. My friend was telling me that once the mother was sick in bed and dad didn't know how to make tea (the way he likes it!!!). So he kept mumbling all day for a cup of tea, missed work, and got sick the same evening.
Mamaof3: When I was in High School, my dad's oldest brother (Allah un ko Jannat Naseeb karay ) did the same thing, come here just to keep his greencard active..He had certain demanding habits and make dumb comments, but in order to keep the peace, we just put up with it, and kept saying to our selves, "only X days left" It suxs, but he's old and from a different generation, so there isnt much you can do.
Agreed 99% :k:
Appreciated. Thanks.
Tum tau rehne hee dau
I think it's the responsibility of your husband here to explain things to the grandfather as he has experience of both cultures. He seems to be taking a bit of a back seat in all of this.
Just out of curiosity...where is your father-in-law?