She isn't answering. Grandpa must be awake demanding his doodh patti with paapay.
No I bet he is at the early bird special sale.
grandpa lives in nwfp
mamaof3
I think a little responsibility rests with each party here
1) you need to be flexible, and try to accomodate gramps..which you are doing,a nd I think doing more than needed
2) gramps need to chill out and understand that he can not have his way, people will be flexible to accomodate his needs, habits etc, but to a point
3) your husband..he needs to play the broker here, and set expectations so its fair for everyone, fair for the gramps..fair for you and fair for your husband.
the rest you have is cultural differences, i.e. the point about parents staying with their kids and what nots, and when one marries into a different culture there is the differences that one has to deal with.
You noted that your husband was raised by his grandparents, so he probably feels the duty as a grandson to meet their needs, as he would have felt as a son had he been raised by his parents. There is no issue with him doing anything to meet their needs but when there is abuse of the status, as it appears to be then he needs to put a stop to it. give gramps some spending money sure..but that is his budget.
Thank you all for being so helpful. My hubby is really a very wonderful man - he lost his parents and thats why grandparents raised him, so he does have a very grateful approach to the whole matter which I understand completely. It does have an effect on how he feels when grandpa comes to visit and I think grandpa capitalizes on that a bit. Its hard esp when I have so much to do with my boys, the oldest one needs so much help and he wont be getting it as much when grandpa is here. That makes me mad. But not much I can do.
Maybe grandpa can take care of him while you do grandpa's chores.
mamaof3
poor u . what a fix . ..
i am soo glad its not me ...
although done enough of that in my saudi days living in jeddah and entertaining people who we never saw before or after... cooking, cleanng, paying for their shopping, taking them to Makkah and medina and at the end paying their overweight charge at the airport. typical style of taking advantage of others kndness.
Atleast that ever present danger is over now. what a relief.
^ aysh
and I bet you did not hear from these ppl until they needed to come by again or needed something right? and even when u guys went to pakistan to visit, these types of ppl would be too busy or inaccessible to even make a token appreciation gesture of having you over for dinner :)
you too? we had a constant barrage of "guests" in Uk and KSA. in Uk there were a few people arriving to look for jobs, but many were just there for vacation, in KSA we had people who were mostly there to look for jobs or to visit the holy places.
summer seemed to be exceptionally busy. I guess hospitality is fine and great but when ppl start taking advantage of it then there is an issue. My folks were always open ands accomodating..some relative's inlaw's inlaw would need a place to stay and we would be volunteered and teh folks would not say no. kher thats a whole diff topic.
The only solution is to KILL grandpa :(
would that cheer u all up?
I think you're all downright insensitive.. we're told to respect our elders and do what we can to help them in their old age..
do you think grandad ever made your husband feel like a pain whilst he brought him up.. would you like it if grandad felt his life was one big hassle by bringing your husband up?
He spent his javani bringing him up and now in his burhapa you are inconvenienced by him.
1) Nikammay laad - you started yourself. should have put foot down to begin with.
2) dinner at 10pm and whatnot - he's an old man for christ's sake..he's probably eaten that time ALL his life - if you're finding it hard to adjust to eating a different time than normal then what about him? you expect him to change his time without any problem but you're not prepared to adapt to his?
If you're gonna keep him at your house.. then do it but with a bit of patience.. and keeping in mind the gora culture you are from... I think its totally wrong to let your parents stay in an ol folks home.. I could never do that.. our parents dont just shove us in an orphanage when we're little - old folks homes are orphanages for old people :(
this is the man that brought up your husband when he could have shoved him in an orphanage.. !!
Funguy - you're sick man!! allah karay you never get old and decrepid!
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Mem Saab: *
Funguy - you're sick man!! allah karay you never get old and decrepid!
[/QUOTE]
Take it easy lady. No need to get personal here. I stand by my comments although a bit harsh. Grandpa should be kind enough to think of his great grandchildren's comforts too. The three little boys need to be in bed early, then he should respect that. For Eating late, I already gave a solution. And paying for his OWN stuff and needs is PERFECTLY OK but him buying gifts for others using his grandson's money who has a non-working wife and three kids (one with special needs) is going a bit too far.
If I am to turn out like him, then I hope I die before that. I do not wanna be a burden for others.
The kids dont have to wait for their dinner or be awake till 10pm! Thats nonsense! 
if grandad asks - say its late and their in bed
feed them at the usual time.. and get them to bed!!!
Still the gradpa appears to be a bit spoiled , frequent visits to US and daily visits to malls where all the shopping has to be paid by the grandsons family and all the routines to be adhered to at home. it is a bit much .
Mamaof3 you deserve a pat on your back for your patience . So well done and hope you can find a way to work around the situation. Its never easy off course since you dont want to offend him .
But seriously whats up with this generation? i know of a granny with very similar lifestyle. Maybe we should get them together.
Mama of 3,
i don't know if this will make you feel any better...but my mom does the exact same thing for my grandpa and when my father in law was here my husband and i do the same...loads and loads of running around, waking up early and COOKING!! ugh...
All thru my youth relatives would come, my mom would be up at dawn cooking, cleaning, etc and we of course would foot their bill for shopping, what i didn't get was why when we went to pakistan they didn't do the same for us?????
one other thing...
I guess the culture is to take care of the elders but i think much of this behaviour on hte part of grandpa is
a. his simple being an older adult male of his generations, who's use to having people wait on him hand and foot...my cousins were shocked that my dad would get up to get his own glass of water rather than do what all the other uncles did which was walk intot he kitch sit down and then ask someone to poor them a drink...drove me batty when my uncle did that in the states... u have to simple grin and bear it... i guess.
b. realize that in some ways it's a way for an older, ageing man to feel like he has control and power in a world/society where he cna't do anything, can't drive by himself nor navigate by himself....
Thank you all once again, the encouragement and advice really made me feel a bit better about the whole thing.
But Mem Saab, there are a couple of things you misunderstood. First, I keep my boys on their schedules no matter what. So they do eat their dinner at regular time and go to bed at 8 or so. But our dining area is near the bedrooms, our house is small. So they hear the goings on and of course get up to participate. And yes, it is not pleasant for me to eat dinner when its past my bedtime too, but as I said before - I do it and I do it with a smile while grandpa is over. Grandpa's own children, the aunts and uncles who live here hate to have him over and are not nearly as accomodating as I am when he visits. Then grandpa complains to family back home and they get all mad at the aunts and uncles for being inhospitable. But these people work, have to get up early in the morning and make a living. But thats a whole different story. I just wanted to let you know that its not only me - the "gora" that has trouble when he's here.
And you misunderstood too, about my old-age home comment. I would do anything for my parents. But in this culture, I was raised to be independant up to and including in my old age. I would never stick my parents in an old-age home. But THEY would rather die than move in with their kids. And I am the same way. I would never impose myself on my kids in my old age. I do not impose myself on hosts when I visit for more than a week and when I do visit, I make sure not to be a burden. And I think thats the way people should be - no matter what culture you're from. I WOULD prefer to have an elder live with me rather than go into some home and I would try to talk them into it. But for myself, I'd rather die than impose on my boys.
Anyway, thank you all again. I'm sure I'll be back to let off some steam come july!