Dowry...

Arts & Culture Culture, Arts, Literature & Linguistics
1

Hain bhabbi, my cousin visitng us from Lahore said in his typical punajbi accent to my Ammi. ‘Obviously, if I will marry a girl, she will definitly bring something, hain je.’ 'Uske maan baap kuch to dain ga na(Her parents would give something atleast) .. Now, they wouldn’t send their daughter empty handed, naheen…
I was listening to his conversation with my mom where he was lambasting a certain Mr… for not giving adequate jahaiz to his daughter,something which was very uncivilized in his eyes. After all Mr… could afford to and what if the guys parents had said we don’t want anything. The girls parents ‘should’ give her whatever they can. ‘Ab yeh to koi baat na hui na, lo je’ :rolleyes:

Guys like my cousin and many others expect something from their in-laws. It has been the case fromtime immemorial :smiley: Whether they believe in giving the wifes their due rights, they do remember tha ’ Afterall Jahaiz(dowry) is Sunnat-e-Nabwi.’

I know even well to do families expect their daughter in-laws to bring something.Whether they really are inneed of anything, they pretend they do not want anything in the name of JAhaiz, the daughter in-law get to hear from them soon after the mariage.

I upon listening to all that he said couldnt hold back. I had to annoy him and instill some sense in him. He got ticked of when he came to know that I have strictly asked my mom not to fall prey to any such demands( I do not mind if she gives me something secretly :wink: )

So, its very perturbing for me to see young guys make such demands and expect to get something fromtheir in-laws. I meanGod has given you hands and a brain, work hard; if things arent favorable askyour wife to help out. Why ask in-laws to fill your bank accounts?

Whats the take of GS guys on that? Girls can barge in too.

2

losty this practice just sucks. i had posted a while back about it and will dig up that post for ya too.

I have seen worse cases..and I have had personal experience with it

one of the girls from my nanhiyal was engaged to some lad, i never really thought much of him but he showed his true colours when a few weeks before the wedding he produced a list of demands, tv, vcr, stereo, motorcycle..etc etc. The girls' family was not well off so the rest of teh family pitched in. I said it then..guys, do u really want her to marry some jackass like that, but her family's argument was that she is getting old has had no rishtaas and if this is what they have to do then they will etc etc. well needless to say this guy kept coming around asking for money after the wedding too.

My personal experience is that when i got married, my family or I did not care and never asked for anything. But these door paar ka jannay walay, they were really curious.. what did the girl ger in dowry, kyun, kya, kitna etc etc. I am so glad morons like that were not invited to my wedding.

I wonder about these "men" who have expectations that the wife will bring stuff with her. I mean dude you are getting married u dinn quite win the jackpot..jackass.

3

Someone in my family gave the downpayment of the couple's new home, plus of course all the accompanying furniture (had to be brand new, without a doubt), aur pata nahin aur kia, gifts for all the groom's family members etc. It just appalled me. But then the same thing happened with my eldest sister as well so what could i say to my cousin when my own eldest sister was going off in the same manner. i dunno, i don't think this custom will be going out of fashion anytime soon. Particularly since it does not have a religious basis to it, i really do not comprehend why we still adhere to this custom.

4

i've seen the 'list' too. i've also seen an aurat come and sit with a straight face and verify the list. pointing out things that were substandard in her opinion.

5

First off there is no such thing as 'Jahaz' in Islam. No other Muslims do this sort of thing only Indians and Pakistanis. This sort of thing does not happen with us pathans.

6

Its the guy who should actually provide everything for his wife. Indian traditions stink!

7

oh happened to me once,, n this is my own close family i am talking about.. they wanted their laiq faiq lazy bum daactor son to get married to me. so my aunt goes," to tumhai to woh ghar milay ga he jahaiz mein, akhir tum eik he baitee ho. aur tumhari ammi nay to khoob zewar waghaira bhee bana liya hoga".

first i didnt get why she wanted that info.. but when i realized it i got so mad n told her that since i am not living in pak ( which they also wanted) there is no need for me to get that house and as for jewelry, i am not much into it. n if i wanted some i can make it myself. i dont need my parents to give me anything. needless to say i was labled as "badtameez" n "hazir jawab" larki. but i think ppl like them needed someone to tell them how stupid it is to ask things like that. and whats worse they dont even realize that they have daughters of their own.

8

GHAZ

but from what i understand pathans have the tradition which arabs have, which is not sanctioned by religion either where the groom has to pay the dowry to teh bride's father, more desirable the women..i suppose has to do with looks, family and status etc, the higher the dowry. thats a pretty lame tradition too in my view.

both are completely useless and should be abolished by law.

suroor good job, who cares what some aunty like that thinks. interesting thign about the house bit,

nadia, i have seen the same thing, this one idiot ..his father in law gave him the downpayment for his house, i believe $40K or so a number of years ago, dude's house price was $180K or so..i mean so thats a huge chunk, but the guy stopped talking to his father and mother in law because he felt that they did not do enough..panj waqta namazi type but such a zehniyat..i guess he has finally grown out of it over last few years but just seeing ppl like that pisses me off.

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:( I hope I never get inlaws like that.

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yes it is the same thing. however, the larg amont of dowry goes towards a party party, clothes, jewerly and things like that. Yes this is the same with arabs and also I know this with turks. but the fact that this jahaz thing is a hindu thing.

the funny think is just imagin if u ask a pathan girls family to give the guy 'stuff' hehe he would be killed.

11

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Fraudz: *

i have seen the same thing, this one idiot ..his father in law gave him the downpayment for his house, i believe $40K or so a number of years ago, dude's house price was $180K or so..i mean so thats a huge chunk, but the guy stopped talking to his father and mother in law because he felt that they did not do enough..panj waqta namazi type but such a zehniyat..i guess he has finally grown out of it over last few years but just seeing ppl like that pisses me off.
[/QUOTE]

40k? omg, and the bum thought it was less? I am so mad right now.. URGH!

If some freakin foo asks for some kind of dowry from my parents, I might just slap the person right in the face.

Suroor: haha! You did the right thing. The aunty needed to wake up. It is good you got her pissed, associating with such no good people is going to get us nowhere.

12

**

hmm. With my cousin above, what really ticked me off is that she’s not the only daughter in the family who has to get married; her parents have to worry about other daughters as well. Masha’Allah they have a large family, 6 daughters and 1 son. So they ‘have’ to arrange dowries for all six daughters. How practical is it for them to make downpayments on the new homes in the US for each of their six sons-in-law, with all accompanying furniture? Yaar it’s ludicrous, they’re not filthy rich people; especially at their age when they should be thinking of retirement and resting, they shouldn’t bury themselves in debt and mortgage their own home just so their daughters can be married off ‘properly’. argh it’s so frustrating.

Suroor :k: Good job. You told her well.

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well said :k:

parents should give theirs daughter whatever they can afford is Not a rule but if they can afford or want to give something thu it is just fine, nothing wrong in that …masla wahaN hota hai jab lalchi bilay inlaws jo hamesha jhaiz expect karte haiN :o

14

jhaiz is sunna of our prophet :saw: who gave his beloved daughter some gifts/jhaiz :slight_smile:

lakiN nowadays problem is that people expect something , that is the bad part of shade .

15

I get to hear about that a lot from my work mates :hehe: Well the history is once we were visiting a mall and one was up to buy a TV. I wasn’t too interested. When inquired, i chucked and said ‘woh to khud bakhud aa he jaega na’ :hehe: bas tab se he tension shuru ho gai :halo:

The fact of the matter is, I or my family for that matter do not and would not approve of such an act. Hansi mazaak apni jaga, par it doesn’t seem too good to me. Apni marzi se jo laein, so bismillah, warna koi zor zabardasti nahin hai. Allah Mian ne haath paon diye hain..kuch na kuch kama he lain gae inshallah :k:

16

plzz tell me exactly where it says that the word “Jahiz” that is. I know the Prophet (saw) gave his daughter gifts, so do many other people, but pakistanis seem to go OVER BOARD with it.

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and we call those gifts as jhaiz :halo:

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its an indian tradition jo ham baycharay pakistani bhugat rahay haen

islam mein to beti ko jahez nahin dia jata balkay larkay walay mehr ada kerte haen

even pakistan mein northern areas mein jahez ka rawaj naheen hae balkay mehr ka hae and also in arab countries

jahez is no doubt a laanat :nook:

19

:eek: :nono: :stuck_out_tongue:

**
Yes.

Irem, you are right - islam mein to beti ko jahez nahin dia jata balkay larkay walay mehr ada kerte haen. :k: i wonder at what time period we started to lose this aspect of Islam.

20

Can be India, Pakistan, or Bangladesh. Doesn’t matter.

Fighting India’s dowry crime, Adam Mynott, BBC, 14 November 2003

Vimla Mehra tours the offices round the women’s crime unit in south Delhi every morning. As police superintendent in charge of the unit, she likes to keep in touch with what is going on. Inside each cramped office is a desk and, round the walls, half a dozen chairs. These chairs are occupied from dawn till dusk by warring families.

Wives have turned up to accuse husbands of mental torture and beatings; mothers and fathers accuse their sons-in-law of theft or of demanding dowry payments with menaces long after the wedding. Husbands are claiming their wives have been cheating on them.

In the middle a police officer - usually a woman - listens patiently as the exchanges pick up from annoyance to anger to fury. Occasionally, she will intervene to try to calm the shouting and the screaming.

The Crime Women Cell, tucked away behind a gudwara (a Sikh temple), just off the inner ring road in south Delhi, was set up to help protect women in male dominated Indian society. Crimes against women have soared in the past 10 years. There were nearly 150,000 recorded in 2000 by the National Crimes Record Bureau, up from 130,000 in 1998, and many more crimes are committed than recorded. These are serious crimes: murder, rape and assault.

Mrs Mehra says: “The main problem is dowry. I don’t know why, but more and more women come to us. Husbands are demanding things - a scooter or some money - it’s one of the easiest ways to get money.”

She has seen it all and says that the growing middle class in India is fuelling the demands for dowry cash and gifts. “They have more, and they want more.”

Mrs Mehra’s police unit has just been given new powers to arrest and detain suspects. Until now they were mainly a counselling and advice service. But the task is overwhelming. Delhi has a population of 14 million; the Crime Women Cell has one van to answer calls.

It can take two hours to get to the other side of the city and they rely on co-operation from a police force that is riddled with corruption and inefficiency. The pattern is familiar: a woman is burned to death in her kitchen; the police arrive; the family of the husband claim it is a “cooking stove” accident; the police are assisted towards this conclusion with a wad of rupees. By the time the Crime Women Cell has weaved its way through the traffic jams and potholes of Delhi it is a done deal.

Giving or receiving any dowry of more than 7,000 rupees (£90/US$150) is a crime in India. But it is a law that is universally ignored and it is a problem that leads to the abuse and degradation, even the death, of women. Despite the corruption and the bureaucracy, hundreds are convicted of dowry crime every year.

The main prison in Delhi, Tihar Jail, has a “mother-in-law” cell block, set aside exclusively for women who have killed or harassed their daughters-in-law. It is full of elderly women, some of whom are serving 20-year sentences for murder. Dowries are not going away. They are deeply ingrained in Indian society and are growing stronger, and the law prohibiting them is treated with contempt.

The police are powerless to stop it and even communities such as Muslims, who never used to give dowries, are now doing so with the inevitable sinister consequences.

Correspondent: Dowry Law will be broadcast on Sunday, 16 November, 2003 at 1915 GMT on BBC Two.