so today i realized there r double standards in my family as well. for example my brother can stay out till after midnight n no one is going to say anything to him and if i am late even 15 mins before midnight, there will be a hell raised in the house. i cant go anywhere out of the city to study even if i got a friggin scholarship. well my nikamma brother can go any where he wants!
i feel like crying right now. i hate it when i have to explain my every move and my brother doesnt have to do that! times like these makes me wanna rebel n do something really stupid. i’ve cried, i’ve argued, n now i am out of options. how do i calm myself?
no wonder i am the feminist in my house.
anyone else going through this as well? how do u deal with it?
But yeah, my parents were the same way bout my brothers. I'm the only girl, and I was to feel it on many occassions.
I also was not allowed to leave home to go to uni, but in some ways I am glad I wasnt, cause when I left home to work (I was given permission but they didnt want me to and expected me back within a month or two)...I realized that goin away wasnt such a good idea atleast for me, some ppl like it, but most girls I know did not.
And yeah, my curfew was magrib time until just recently (now its 11 on weekends and I have to call-in every few hours )and although sometimes my brothers break it, I am the one who gets the longest lecture. sigh
Kya karein. Try to make the best of it, rebelling doesnt really do much for you after awhile. Just know that one day you will make your own rules, and speak to your parents if you feel its unfair, even if they dont end up agreeing with you, but be nice while expressing it.
My parents were extremely strict with us while we were growing up, and since we have no brothers the rules were quite standard. We used to argue, fight with our parents, and until recently I still did. Now that my sisters are married and living far away form home, they actually thank my mum and dad for being so strict with us and bringing us up in such a protected environment. In the longrun its for our own good I suppose, and our parents only have the best in mind for us.
I for one was so shocked when my parents allowed me to come here. When I got the scholarship I didnt even want to tell them because I expected an immediate 'no', but they really surprised me. I think they realised I had grown up and that this was an excellent opportunity. They actually encouraged me to go ahead. My dad called me up and said, 'so I hear youre going to Japan'. I was like, heinn?? Believe me, parents know their kids best and when the time is right they will let you run free.
:)
I used to mind it a lot too ,but then there werent many restrictions on me when i was growing up,mainly because i always used to be a very obedient bachi :)
But at times there used to be conflicts in my family too and i happened to resist them,but after a few days time i used to calm down myself by accepting things as they were.When i was mature enough,done with my degree and stuff , i was given more liberty and than ever.things settle down with time suroor,we should not mind our parents,they love us too much :-)
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by suroor_ca02: *
so today i realized there r double standards in my family as well. for example my brother can stay out till after midnight n no one is going to say anything to him and if i am late even 15 mins before midnight, there will be a hell raised in the house. i cant go anywhere out of the city to study even if i got a friggin scholarship. well my nikamma brother can go any where he wants!
i feel like crying right now. i hate it when i have to explain my every move and my brother doesnt have to do that! times like these makes me wanna rebel n do something really stupid. i've cried, i've argued, n now i am out of options. how do i calm myself?
no wonder i am the feminist in my house.
anyone else going through this as well? how do u deal with it?
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Too bad, no mods in real life to ban them. Tsk tsk.
Surror, If ever I plan to marry and have kids, I think I am going to do the same. NO, no discrimination but well, expecting them to be at home by 12:00 as long as they are teenagers or in their early 20's... Well, thats how our mom raised us in a strict environment and I agree with Catty, that you relaize later that what they did was the best for us (well, that doesn't mean everything they do is perfect, however from their viewpoint whatever thay do, they surely have the best in mind for us)...
Well, I wasn't a social kid at all, never gave hard time to my parents hence that question never arose.
However, once i was through with my degree and 23, I was allowed to go whereever I wanted to 'pursue my studies' or further my interests.... BUT there is a contradiction here. When I am in my city, all I can visit is the University and if ever there is a conference, a discussion program, visiting a friend... my ammi makes sure to take time off from her work and do the pick and drop bit or else if my brother is in Pakistan he would make sure that I DON'T go anywhere else on my own... sighs thats just our culture.. it has its good and bads
Around my neck of the woods, I am allowed out, as long as the fore said event is booked in advance and my father can collect me afterwards. Not really a cerfew. And booking is sometimes hard to come by but if I insist tis there. Hwever I choose not to most times, can't be bothered.
As far as the studying thing is, my parents are fine with me going anywhere in the world as long as it is for studying.
I like to make a bit of noise now and then anyway, just to keep them on their feet.
I have had that experience too. I wasn't allowed to go to a better school, coz it wasn't within the 15 mile radius of my home. I mean what the hell is that! I had terrible fights with my mom that time and I am still bitter about it and wud be forever I guess. But I don't think my parents are going to have any problems sending my brother away for studies( if he gets accepted in a good school that is * he is a dumb sports jock.. err he might just get accepted on a sports scholarship* ).
I have witnessed this in a lot of households.. there are a different set of rules for the girls and a whole different ones for the boys( doesn't matter how obidient and " good " the girl is.. and how vain and nikamma the boy is). Girls have early curfews, they have to explain a lot if they do something which is out of the ordinary( like come home.. 3 and a 1/2 minutes late) and a lot more.
It is sad.. that in this day and age, people still discriminate amongst their own kids based on their sex. If they ought to do any kinda discrimination, it should be based upon how the kids have behaved till date.. and the more trust worthy and "safe"one should be given more freedom.
As far as dealing with it is concerned.. I fight, shout, cry .. try explaining it to my dad( he is the good cop).. sigh but it hardly works. My mom is too much of a desi to get it. Then I use my usual line .. " I will treat my daughter like a human-being.. unlike u ".. and I slam my door shut, and don't come out for dinner etc.
I guess my parents especially my dad has been really understanding. We used to live in Oman, until my FSc and then my dad took me to Lahore for college and I was tehre for a year in the dorms. We came to US and I found a job away from home. Abbu was like wahtever you think is better for you. I left and ammi didnt talk to me for a couple months although she was the first person i asked and she had said, teh same thing as abbu. But Alhamdulillah shes better now. I should be going home in summer next year InshaAllah.
Baqi curfew ki baat, I dont really have friends in Chicago where my family lives so I never go out, hence no need of curfew. But when we werein Muscat, we would go to all girl parties etc, and as long as Abbu knew and could pick me up at the end, it was fine.
Alhamdulillah my abbu has been very understnading and trusting, although my ammi is very strict about certain things.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Chandbeti: *
Suroor: that is so like our desi parents.
..... As far as dealing with it is concerned.. I fight, shout, cry .. try explaining it to my dad( he is the good cop).. sigh but it hardly works. My mom is too much of a desi to get it. Then I use my usual line .. " I will treat my daughter like a human-being.. unlike u ".. and I slam my door shut, and don't come out for dinner etc.
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I dunno ur ashamed of being a desi ! The matter of fact is we all are actually desis.. and what keep us distinct are those very traits that seem inhuman to many western people.. every society has its boundries in family system and if there are no boundries at all the result is a broken family.. in most of cases here it seems a cultural clash.. rules for functioning of a family are made by parents and they may make it strict or otherwise according to their own perception of fear of sorroundings and their beliefs but they are always made for betterment and safety of their kids and not to their own selfishness..
Your shouting, crying or fighting is actually a way of protest to make them ashamed of their actions.. kids do this as they are doing some great achievement by making parents suffer since we know skipping dinner will hurt them as well as loud words we say.. but we dont realize that they have sacrificed on thousands of occasions their comfort, appetite and rest when they were raising us.. we forget thousands of times they forgive our mistakes and blunders but we are adamant at few of their misgivings as we intrepret them as.. if we look closer their is always charm in boundries but we realize it when they are gone with those restrictions..
^
Okay.. I did not read your whole post.. but I got the tone from a first few lines of each paragraph.
I am not ashamed of being a desi, but some of the desi traditions and "boundaries" make me puke for sure.
The question isn't about the boundaries.. it is about why these are more firm in case of a girl? I mean, if my parents would treat my brother the same way, I won't freakin mind, I would try respecting their fears about us getting spoiled in this bad bad world. But why do they have to be lenient with my brother and harsh with me.. when I think I am the better of the two? Just coz they were raised the same way doesn't mean they have to apply the same friggin rules to their kids too. Can't they see and think on their own. If I was a freakin dangerous kid.. it was understandable.. but their being strict with me coz I am a girl.. doesn't justify any of their actions.
and for the slamming doors.. and skipping meals part.. well, I need to let them know I am not happy.. and I do all this after all the less aggressive tacts fail.. like discussion.. arguement etc.
my parents are equally strict with me and my brother, but u know i think i got the better end of the stick
hes the one who takes out the garbage
chandbeti, ure a rebel :k: i used to be a rebel as well, and i dont know but it couldve been possible that i was much worse than u
but now im really cool with it, my parents dont mind much anymore :k:
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*Originally posted by Chandbeti: *
Xara.. u are one of the few lucky people. Most of the parents are more strict with their girls.
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how is she lucky! here her brother is being discriminated and ur saying she is lucky.. isnt that double standard? so there is a double standard in double standard :)
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my parents are equally strict with me and my brother
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I said.. she was lucky coz of the above. And don't friggin call the garbage taking out thing as a discrimination. And she was being funny when she mentioned it.
Next time if any disillioned parents told me that they are sacrificing their lives and their happiness for the sake of their kids for better life in west I can refer to this thread..
