dont want to go.

[Iyla]

Re: dont want to go.

Years back, one of my friends promised her cousin that she would move to PK to be with him after marriage. She was young, immature, crazy in love and promised him foolish things, which at the time felt right to her. I told her she wasn't thinking straight as I knew the real her couldn't live in PK, as life is too different there. Some individuals can settle there and some just can't. Her own parents told her to think 100 times before moving there before making such a huge commitment except she was so confident about her decision. Her grandfather made her promise him that she would keep to her promise and remain in PK then.

She moved to PK and stayed with her Husband for a few years. But she just changed from a warm person to a bitter person filled with regrets and had abhorrence towards everyone and everything. She suffered from the worse depression from month one as she just couldn't settle there and her relationship crumbled with her Husband. The poor guy was finding it hard to tolerate her and they were always fighting. She simply couldn't get used to the way of life there, was always so bored and for so many reasons she missed the life she was use to in the UK. One day she just burst from her bubble, left PK and moved back to UK alone. She had a tough few months but she changed dramatically becoming so positive about her life. Anyway, her husband moved to UK to be with her and they are so happy Alhamdolilah. I don't know how he has settled here but he has and seems to love it or maybe he loves the personality she has in UK! Lol. Since returning to UK, she has completed her degree, Masters and is doing a PHD in Mathematics Education or some name like that and has two kids.

My friend did break her promise and went back against her word and every person used this against her. But we all make mistakes and promises esp' when we are blindly in love willing to say anything sweet to the person we love - but that doesn't mean we are always able to hold onto those promises for a lifetime. Feelings and the situations change over time.

[Mirch]

Re: dont want to go.

I didn't want to be a sales assistant for the rest of my life working on minimum wage, so I did something about it! He too can do something about it e.g. do some courses leading to a degree etc and looking for a better job. Unfortunately outside of dreamland, these opportunities don't come served on a silver platter! He just sounds a bit indolent by wanting to run away back to Pakistan thinking life will be easier for him there. Life can be just as good in the UK if not better if he makes the effort.

If he wants a better job and life - then he needs to wake up and work hard to get it.

He comes from a well connected family , he can have all that handed him down on a silver platter back home , then why would he waste more time to settle in UK. Some people abhor the idea of living in the West and some love it. Those who love the idea of living in the West should not try to convince the one's who abhor the idea and vice versa.
To tell you the truth , I like the idea of moving back home , but I do not have connections back home and I do not think I will be able to find the kind of job I have here in the USA. I also do not think that Pakistan offers me the kind of opportunities I see and I am working on in USA. May be I will move to Pakistan after retirement.

[X2]

Re: dont want to go.

I didn't want to be a sales assistant for the rest of my life working on minimum wage, so I did something about it! He too can do something about it e.g. do some courses leading to a degree etc and looking for a better job. Unfortunately outside of dreamland, these opportunities don't come served on a silver platter! He just sounds a bit indolent by wanting to run away back to Pakistan thinking life will be easier for him there. Life can be just as good in the UK if not better if he makes the effort.

If he wants a better job and life - then he needs to wake up and work hard to get it.

What we dont know is if the dude has already explored that options.

putting oneself through uni as an international student is tough enough when one is single and sharing some crappy flat with other dudes and sharing expenses, it is much harder if you are responsible for all the rent and expenses of a family. IN which case it is perfectly fine for the dude to go back and finish his degree, and then later if he moves to Uk he has a degree, can get a professional job and go for masters part time.

I just dont think there has been an open discussion about issues, long term and short term needs etc etc and needs to happen.

[anya]

Re: dont want to go.

If it was the husband going back on his words, most people here would have skinned him alive for that...lol

Settling anywhere after marriage is a big issue for any couple, which was already agreed upon in your case, quit being a spoilt child & grow up.

Every girl moves away from her parents' home after marriage, you were lucky you didnt have to go through all that uptil now.
Go to pak, see how things turn out. You would always have an option to come back.

[Wane]

Re: dont want to go.

If it was the husband going back on his words, most people here would have skinned him alive for that...lol

So true. But that is how things are. Men get a tough deal in marriages these days; yet have to play along, putting their silly face on and doing aww aww like little girls.

[kakaballi]

Re: dont want to go.

^ Seriously who would want to live in Pakistan given the precarious situation there? No matter how rich or well off you are, no one has peace of mind there due to security reasons! I also can't imagine education being better there as opposed to the U.K. And I am sure with hard work, you can advance in your career in the U.K as long as you're dedicated and motivated. If you've lived in the U.K. all your life, it will be very hard to adjust to life in Pakistan! ......

I would want to move to Pakistan in a few years and I would be really pissed off if something like this happened to me. I can understand that a lot of people won't want to settle in Pakistan and I respect that but they shouldn't commit to someone who does.

[guriya1986]

Re: dont want to go.

Nadz just tell him straight you don't want to settle in Pak, you've made a mistake in leading him on and agreeing in the first place.
And to be honest everyone in Pak is well off now'a days. Life in the west is tough but you've got'a work for it, he needs to understand this!
As one of the posters have already said you need to have a chat with him and explain why you'd be happier living here, e.g. benefits for your child & more opportunities over here etc.

[dosa_chick]

Re: dont want to go.

I am not really going to say anything different from what has already been said, still I will put my 2 cents in.

You agreed to it, if there is no solid reason to stay back then get yourself mentally ready to move. From march to april is not much different, in april you will want it to be dec. If things are not very goof financially (unless wife is working and bringing decent pay home) husband do tend to get very tense, and esp in your case when he know he has good offers and probably family support then might as well move. If you guys get settled nicely there you can always come back for visits within 6-7 months.

I will tell you about my experience. I am from northa america, we moved to india because my husbands parents are in india and they retired etc, there were couple of very good business opp. too and our son was 1 year old and had time to start school ert. so we moved here last year. I went back to NA after few months because I really wanted to, my whole family, parents, siblings, mamoon, chahcha, kahla all cousins etcs everyone is there. It was very difficult to quit our extremely good jobs, our own house and life there, but my husband believed that we should make the move and left the final fesla on me. I told him ok, and we ended up here. I am not from india origiannly so that was even a bigger change; I have no regrets but we would prefer NA or we are planning to actaully go back. So if you are young have few yeras to play around with then give it a shot, else if your husband really stronlgy belivee in moving back and you don't let him for no solid reason he may end up hating you for the rest of the life. I don't think you want him doing odd jobs.

When we moved we saw how nice my parents in law life is(we knew but got first hand experience) we live in a seperate house. they have mashallah their nice house, cars, complete staff at home(including a part time yoga instructor). They are very busy socially and extremely securre financially so we are not feeling bad leaving them here, plus my husband realized that we are not fit for this life too(he has been out of india for about 15 years now)

instead of *****ing about and worrying about something that may or may not turn out to be what you guys are expecting, I think you should give it a try. Go there with open mind and see how it is. if you are SO worried about it, tell your husband to go first get somewhat settled(like your own place etc, if thats what you want) and then go. Thats what we did, my hubby came to india few months before us, did most of his running around got settled a bit and then came for few days to take me and my son.

Have a discussion with your hubby without getting too emotional about it, and see what suits the whole family not just YOU.

[dosa_chick]

Re: dont want to go.

okk, so we aint talking anwyay, hes now gone to sleep, no talks. grrrrrr. i think people here are forgetting he was RUDE to me, saying mein sarr pe chargai houn, and his tone was not nice. all i said was why cant we wait 2 3 weeks and go in april.....

how long you guys have been married now???

This is shadi honey!!! life long commitment, lovey dovy and very polite stuff can go down in the list if there is too much kich kich in his head. If he is a sensible man I don't think he should be too happy living with your parents. If it was my husband he would go live in a jhunpari in -50c and not live in my parents house. Pease try and understand his sentiments too.

My husband is one of the best husband among all of the sons and son in laws(touch wood, mashallah the kind that would turn other women green with envy towards me, sachi mein) in my family, but since we moved to india few things happened and his reaction were totally strange to me (not towards me thankfully) so ppl do behave differnetly in different situations, his stress is causing all this rudness etc, try be mature about it.

[rooja1100]

Re: dont want to go.

I think, if you have a life in uk.... you would be an IDIOT to come back here, in the situation that is going on these days. We all are trying hard to find a way to leave, to give out children some secure environment for living .. we cant even take them to the zoo or fun fairs for crying out loud because we are afraid of something bad happening.
If he wants to be with his parents, ask him to find a way to bring them to UK. Why would you take your child in between so much terror. Pakistan is great, but it is full of some not-s-great people right now.

[sarab]

Re: dont want to go.

I think, if you have a life in uk.... you would be an IDIOT to come back here, in the situation that is going on these days. We all are trying hard to find a way to leave, to give out children some secure environment for living .. we cant even take them to the zoo or fun fairs for crying out loud because we are afraid of something bad happening. If he wants to be with his parents, ask him to find a way to bring them to UK. Why would you take your child in between so much terror. Pakistan is great, but it is full of some not-s-great people right now.

Newsflash She went to pakistan and has been moaning about it ever since.

[S02]

Re: dont want to go.

Nadz,

I am going to close this thread for now. However, if you would like to open up this discussion again, just let me know.