don't know what to do...

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: don't know what to do...

Rainbow love you are being mentally and emotionally abused. I am fearful for your daughter. She will pick up on the bad vibes and will remember the swear words she hears.

Your husband sounds like he's stuck in a cave.

22

Re: don’t know what to do…

I don’t get…I know it is Ramadan and to forgive and forget is the best thing anyone can do. But really, why should she have to bear all of this? WHY? (Maybe I need to be taught a Life1 lesson :confused:).

That other lady living in the house is just wrong for starters. The MIL will always take her sons side, so forget about her. But the husband…

I don’t know many girls who would tolerate this behaviour.

Either way, I think you should go the route that Mirch suggested, I’ve seen cases where the intervention has worked wonders.

23

Re: don't know what to do...

yes

24

Re: don't know what to do...

But intervention may not work in every case. I think if her husband realises that mediation is the way forward, he might lash out and make things ten times worse. It is my opinion that many Muslim men do not like to have strangers interfere with domestic life and I just think rainbow would feel the brunt of her husbands acid tongue even more.

25

Re: don't know what to do...

no they re here..but they dont like to interfere...my mum just told me not to talk to him for a while and to talk to him about everything after my MIL leaves..my mum also told him that this women needs to leave now but he said that he had promised her brother that he would help her...dunno everything is so messed up right now

26

Re: don't know what to do...

exactly he always tells me "mere ghar ki baat mere ghar main rehni chahiye....ghar main jo marzi ho bahir baat na nikle.."

27

Re: don't know what to do...

He is too clever , he wants to keep abusing you by saying things like that. If you want to take this abuse forever do nothing , if you want to end it then there is no option other than involving others. He is not going to stop by you telling him to stop. He does not seem to be that kind , if he was he would not be behaving they way he does.

28

Re: don't know what to do...

if i were you, and being the victim of constant verbal abuse, I will try to bring my concern to FIL, MIL and husband.

if he still persistent with his behavior then Mirch uncle route is best.

what if that doesnt work out. I will leave my one year old daughter in pakistan and go to england.

what worst he can do. may be divorce. I will be preparing my mind for divorce.

29

Re: don't know what to do...

Shouldn't have imported a husband. I don't know what to tell you! You gotta take control of your life. I would give you the same advice I have given others - do whatever it takes to become financially independent to a point you can support yourself and your daughter. This is the only way out of your misery.

30

Re: don't know what to do...

not necessarily

these kind of men will get more frustrated

31

Re: don't know what to do...

^Which is perfect! Because when they realize they can't control you, they will give up sooner or later. Give them a little taste of their own medicine you know...

32

Re: don't know what to do...

This strategy will work even better once he and his mom become dependent on OP's income.

33

Re: don't know what to do...

I never wanted to "import" a husband..but my parents wanted me to and as I said I tried to get to know him before getting married.. he was totally different then..

and u cant guarantee anyone that if they marry someone who grew up in the uk or us etc they'll end up being happy...

34

Re: don't know what to do...

Make lots and lots of dua to Allah that He provides you a way out of this mess. If you like you can PM me, I can tell you some duas to say. If it's feasible I like the idea of you becoming financially independent. Look to utilise any skills that you have - could you tutor kids at home, teach Quran, maybe make stuff to sell like tailoring clothes, embroidery, crafty things like eid cards.

35

Re: don't know what to do...

I almost want to say that leave him, even if its temporary. Do not take abuse from anyone, even if its only verbal. When someone does that, the person passes a message that he does not respect you. If there is no respect, there is no need to have any relationship/

36

Re: don't know what to do...

Tell your husband very clearly that you don't appreciate the foul lanugage he's using for you and your daughter and that this behavior is not condoned by Islam, that it's a gunnah. Remind him of the hadith which states that the best men are those that are the kindest to his wives. And go ahead and tell your MIL the same thing.

Then tell your husband that you are his partner and not his pair ki joothi that he can insult you whenever he wishes and then demand that you prepare 10 dawats like a servant. You teach people how to treat you. If you act like a doormat....you will be treated like one. Every relationship has boundaries and unfortunately our culture takes the respect for elders thing a bit too far....your age is not justification for ill behavior.

So, discuss the issue with him. If he tries to work with you...great. If he continues the badtameezi....pack your bags and tell him that you'll consider coming back ONLY when he's ready to behave like an insaan da puttar. And then leave.

37

Re: don't know what to do...

^ easier said than done TLK.

38

Re: don't know what to do...

^but that's what takes to get things done!

39

Re: don't know what to do...

I don't agree with your mum's view of not interfering..especially in cases of abuse. A child's well-being and safety should always be a primary concern for parents. You should be able to stay with your mom for some time. If you've tried to reason with him and he's not getting any better....just explain to him why you need to get away....and then take a break from him. The distance might do you good. I know that toxic in-laws exist in every culture....but in ours it's like an epidemic...the most popular subject in dramas....the whole art imitates life comes to mind...it's sick.

40

Re: don't know what to do...

I hope you pray rainbow, if you don't then start asap, and make dua that is one thing that will really help, atleats to calm you down.

Please answer some questions for everybody to understand this situation better
1) Do you know when is your MIL leaving?
2) Does your husband have a proper job?
3) Are you guys socially involved with other young couple through mosque or any other way?
4)Does he respect your parents?
5) DO you work?? (doesn't sound like it)
6) How is this other woman, does she interfere with your family matters??

You need to have sabar until your MIL leaves, your husband is bring an ass esp when his mother is around. Once she leaves inhsallah have a very serious talk with your parents, not just your mother, and tell them how it affects you and the lil one. They got you in this mess and they would have to help to fix it. Are there anyother older siblings or cousins you guys are close to?? may be confide in one of them and ask for help. If nothing else works and your parents don't want to get involved(which is totally strange and unaceptable) approach someone who is very close to your family iff there is noone like that then approach someone sensible in your mosque/islamic center and ask for suggestion and hopefully they can talk /guide your parents.

May allah help you, try and not say anything if he is driving and all, stupid men never understand, until they want to.

Here is a dua we read in our for family husband wife issue.

After every namaz read surat quresh 21 times with darood 3 times at starting and end, for as long as you need to. Inshallah we will keep you in prayers inshallah. BUT you have to address this issue can't ignore this, you have to make sure you address this in timely and proper way... to fix t once for all inshallah.