so he judged and she complained... so based on your first post are you trying to say she (heeranjha is he or she ??) has no right to complain and defend??.... do you really believe that you live your life without complaining and defending yourself?? they both merely stated their point of views...their likes or dislikes about eachothers posts...i dont really see how is one different from the other....
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.. so what is the point of yours this thread??
actually you have the order a bit confused.
she asked for opinions, he judged and then she complained.
the point of this thread is to suggest that everyone judges, including you and me, we shouldn't judge but judgement is a by-product of having an opinion.
we all make decisions about people, even if the decision is simply a matter of being close to someone or distancing ourselves from them....these are technically all "judgements". whether or not we are vocal about them is another story......
No, you DO tell them. But you don't judge them. You accept for yourself that whatever they are doing, they are doing the best they can, in the best way they know how to. It may or may not be working out, which is why they are asking for advice. Even if they don't take your advice that you believed to be the best thing (which is very annoying, I know, to have someone continuously go through the same issues regardless of all the advice they have gotten).
As Muzna said that not everyone is skilled in conversing so why can't we give others a doubt of not having eloquence in speech instead of being over dramatic and dismissing the advice (which might be the best one out there)?
Asiey kasiey hop sakta hai? How can you tell that someone is on the wrong path unless you've made a judgement that they are on the wrong path? I thing the word "judge" is being taken to another level.
I totally agree.
I believe that people need to define the word "judge" and "judgement"
judgement - the legal document stating the reasons for a judicial decision; "opinions are usually written by a single judge"
judgement - an opinion formed by judging something; "he was reluctant to make his judgment known"; "she changed her mind"
conclusion, decision, determination a position or opinion or judgment reached after consideration; "a decision unfavorable to the opposition"; "his conclusion took the evidence into account"; "satisfied with the panel's determination"
judgement - the cognitive process of reaching a decision or drawing conclusions
judgement - the mental ability to understand and discriminate between relations
judgement - the capacity to assess situations or circumstances shrewdly and to draw sound conclusions
judgement - (law) the determination by a court of competent jurisdiction on matters submitted to it
judgement - the act of judging or assessing a person or situation or event; "they criticized my judgment of the contestants"
Niksik is precisely right about what I am trying to convey.
Absolutely one should not judge.
Absolutely we should offer help and advice. Whether we do it by making that person feel inadequate or without them even knowing that they have learnt something is entirely dependent on how skilled we are in our communication.
By the same token, not everyone is gifted in their communication skills so when you expose yourself to criticism, be prepared to receive it in various formats, some of which may not be pleasant.
That's fair. By the same token, the person receiving harsh advice and being judged, then, has the right to get aggravated. The person criticizing should recognize that there will be backlash for what they are saying and how.
By the way, I don't think you have to give advice in a manner that the other doesn't even recognize they have learned something new. That's not how difficult it is supposed to be, at least I don't think it does. Just advise them while actually feeling for them and the difficulty they might be in. Recognize that the mother asked for advice because she noticed what seemed like a problem. If she's having trouble figuring out what to do differently, you can give specific advice. If you are not sure what advice you can give, you can say something like, "This sounds like a serious parenting issue to me. But I can't figure out a way to help you."
judge (jj)
v. judged, judg·ing, judg·es
v.tr.
1. To form an opinion or estimation of after careful consideration: judge heights; judging character.
2.
a. Law To hear and decide on in a court of law; try: judge a case.
b. Obsolete To pass sentence on; condemn.
c. To act as one appointed to decide the winners of: judge an essay contest.
3. To determine or declare after consideration or deliberation.
4. Informal To have as an opinion or assumption; suppose: I judge you're right.
5. Bible To govern; rule. Used of an ancient Israelite leader.
v.intr.
1. To form an opinion or evaluation.
2. To act or decide as a judge.
n.
1. One who judges, especially:
a. One who makes estimates as to worth, quality, or fitness: a good judge of used cars; a poor judge of character.
b. Abbr. J. Law A public official who hears and decides cases brought before a court of law.
c. Law A bankruptcy referee.
d. One appointed to decide the winners of a contest or competition.
2. Bible
a. A leader of the Israelites during a period of about 400 years between the death of Joshua and the accession of Saul.
b. Judges (used with a sing. verb) Abbr. Judg. or Jgs or Jg See Table at Bible.
.......By the same token, the person receiving advice and being judged, then, has the right to get aggravated. The person criticizing should recognize that there will be backlash for what they are saying and how...........
I have to respectfully disagree.
The person that initiated the exchange does not have the right to become aggravated unless they explicitly stated that only those that are able to convey their message in a congenial and non-offensive manner are invited to reply.
(LOL....even as I write that I can see how foolish it sounds, however the principle is valid.)
No, you DO tell them. But you don't judge them. You accept for yourself that whatever they are doing, they are doing the best they can, in the best way they know how to. It may or may not be working out, which is why they are asking for advice. Even if they don't take your advice that you believed to be the best thing (which is very annoying, I know, to have someone continuously go through the same issues regardless of all the advice they have gotten).
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If someone ask me for advice , first of all I would judge as to whatever they are doing is right or wrong , appropriate or inappropriate , good or bad.
If I feel what they are doing is wrong , inappropriate or bad , then I will tell them what they should be doing or not doing.
If you think what they are doing is right , appropriate and good then you will have nothing to say to them anyway.
I have to respectfully disagree.
The person that initiated the exchange does not have the right to become aggravated unless they explicitly stated that only those that are able to convey their message in a congenial and non-offensive manner are invited to reply.
(LOL....even as I write that I can see how foolish it sounds, however the principle is valid.)
Right. That's exactly where the disagreement is. I believe that we must always be congenial with other people unless an offence has been made. If you are not insulting me, my beliefs, my family/friends, physically harming me, I should be respectful towards you and vice versa. I don't think a person has the right to be "harsh" to another, unless aggravated.
Now, I know it happens all the time, but that doesn't mean it should. It also doesn't mean that we completely boycott those people or situations, but there are some principles, which, if followed, only simplify our life.
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If someone ask me for advice , first of all I would judge as to whatever they are doing is right or wrong , appropriate or inappropriate , good or bad.
If I feel what they are doing is wrong , inappropriate or bad , then I will tell them what they should be doing or not doing.
If you think what they are doing is right , appropriate and good then you will have nothing to say to them anyway.
Ofcourse! But insulting them for making a decision you deemed inappropriate is where the problem arises.
Of course we all judge internally and we might be open about it too, but I think the problem arises when we judge in a way that presents the other person as inferior for not being like yourself. In this case I would have said it was more of an attack, sure the OP asked for advice, and she might have expected some people to criticise or present alternative opinions, but I'm sure its not easy for someone else to say you're a bad mother. You could always say I don't agree with the way you're parenting etc. but when you discredit someone completely because they don't fit your ideal, I think that can be pretty humiliating and hurtful. I'm sure no one comes on this forum to be told basically you suck, and even if they expect some people might say such things, I still imagine its hard to deal with it and some anger is justified.
Its as if I were to ask someone if I looked good in a dress and they go ahead and tell me no you don't because you're fat. Maybe I am and I did ask for an opinion but that doesn't mean I can't be hurt or angry about the manner in which it was told to me.
Right. That's exactly where the disagreement is. I believe that we must always be congenial with other people unless an offence has been made. If you are not insulting me, my beliefs, my family/friends, physically harming me, I should be respectful towards you and vice versa. I don't think a person has the right to be "harsh" to another, unless aggravated.
Agreed. We should always be congenial. You and I and perhaps most people will understand that and live by it.....but not everyone.
In a public setting there will always be someone that is harsh, abrasive or down-right obnoxious about the way they express an opinion. If I choose to subject myself to that sort of exposure then I am forfeiting the right to complain.
Perhaps it is just me but I feel like I protect myself from being hurt when I take this approach.......or I simply keep those matters that are sensitive out of the arena.
In the original thread in question no body insulted OP , she got offended thinking that the comments made by TLK were questioning her parenting style. May be she was having a bad day.
......Its as if I were to ask someone if I looked good in a dress and they go ahead and tell me no you don't because you're fat. Maybe I am and I did ask for an opinion but that doesn't mean I can't be hurt or angry about the manner in which it was told to me.
Agreed.
If I asked a group of my close friends how I looked in the dress and one of them rudely answered that I look like a beached whale then I would be very offended and would definitely have a beef. Mainly because these are folks that know me well and are supposed to care about how they make me feel. I would expect them to deliver the message in polite tone with some cushions to soften the blow.
If I asked a public forum then I can expect any number of differing comments, some of which may not be delivered in a pleasant fashion. I wouldn't be upset and complain.
One would expect that everyone will be polite and congenial and treat others the way they want to be treated; however, life doesn't work that way and the sooner we learn and accept this the happier we are likely to be.
^ Muzna, I'm just wondering why you would have an issue with how someone reacted to a not-so-pleasant comment, instead of the person who made the not-so-pleasant comment?
^ Muzna, I'm just wondering why you would have an issue with how someone reacted to a not-so-pleasant comment, instead of the person who made the not-so-pleasant comment?
And what makes you think that I haven't expressed my opinion directly to the person that made the not-so-pleasant comment?
Is there anything else you might be wondering?
Personally speaking, I dont have problem with people judging me as long as they are not forcing their verdict on me and not spreading it half way around the world. If their judgement is totally wrong, I just laugh it off. A smile does the trick for me.
By nature humans constitute view point about things, animals and other humans. As long as that viewpoint is kept to self unless asked for, I m good!
Personally speaking, I dont have problem with people judging me as long as they are not forcing their verdict on me and not spreading it half way around the world. If their judgement is totally wrong, I just laugh it off. A smile does the trick for me.
By nature humans constitute view point about things, animals and other humans. As long as that viewpoint is kept to self unless asked for, I m good!
That explains all the :) that you post whenever you quote me...:(
I hardly think calling someone a bad parent and the person responding by questioning their role on an internet forum can be comparable.
Commenting or being skeptical of someones parenting style would hardly be considered calling someone a bad parent. I might not agree with your parenting style , does it mean that you are a bad parent . Heck , NO.
