I don’t understand this. I don’t know if I have old fashioned thinking but it seems as if the world has advanced so much and I am just not realizing it. My friend she seems to be religious and the “good girl” type. She told me the other day that after she got engaged her and her fiancee went out for dinner. I was like 
. And this too was in Pakistan. And my fiancee told me his friend went out to dinner with his honay wali too. I am like don’t get ideas in your head cuz I don’t think I would do that until after shaadi. And now all these threads about dating and it seems as if everyone on gupshup is encouraging it. Whats the deal??? And plus how do your parents react to this type of environment (the dating and having people of the opposite gender hang out with you)?
Re: Don't get it...Why "Date"??
I think once you are engaged with someone then there is no harm in going to a dinner with them.. i mean you are planning on marrying them so i fail to see the reason not to go out have some laughs with them :)
Re: Don't get it...Why "Date"??
well it depends...i personally don't think there is anything wrong if ur going out with a fiance but Bf Gf thing is different and if one thinks that they are old enough to go for a date then be mature enough to let the parents know about it.
I mean with me it all starts from the point that if my parents allow it then it has got to be the right thing so i always ask my parents about anything i am not sure about. I always suggest the same to everyone i know becoz if one cannot convince their parents what good are they for.
Re: Don't get it...Why "Date"??
I think its really important to actually know the person you are going spend rest of your life with. I think if you are in limits then there is nothing wrong with it.
Re: Don’t get it…Why “Date”??
I agree you should know the person before you marry them. I never said that talking on the phone or chatting online was a bad thing. But I am just curious why the need to go out alone. I personally think that our religion and culture are different for a reason. What differentiates our religion from others if we start accepting things that were never ok. In the past I know that arranged marriages were a big thing and you couldn’t even see the person you were marrying. At least now many people have the right to say whether they want to marry someone.
Re: Don't get it...Why "Date"??
I generally find acceptance of these forms of dating
depends upon where youve grown up ie country, town or village are a factor and also if you have been brought up in western countries, what year/decade your parents moved to those countries.
For example people who moved to the north of England in the 70's and lived in tight communities where they lived in a 1970's timewarp have brought up their kids to believe/ live in a more restricted way than theifr counterparts in pakistan.
you'll find alot of the second generation and even the third generation would find the idea of dating ...yes, even after engagement disagreeable.
Re: Don't get it...Why "Date"??
I don't know where in religion it says you can talk on phone or chat online but not sit and have a cup of tea togather.
I think its really important that one should know if the person has manners of talking, eating, drinking, siting, etc...
I think Islam gives more rights to both man and woman then just seeing eachother.
Re: Don’t get it…Why “Date”??
lolz.. i wasn’t allowed to go out with my husband by my rishterdaars after our nikkah!.. we had to sneak out, my mom actually helped us 
it was soo much fun!
its pakistan. thats the way things are there. no point in arguing with all the baray boorhay, cuz they are at the age where they dont understand nor are willing to understand.
Re: Don’t get it…Why “Date”??
^^ u sneaky u
Re: Don't get it...Why "Date"??
Well, I look at it this way, a marriage is the rest of your life. If you marry at 20 then that could be 50+ yrs. If I am going to spend that amount of time with someone sharing everything I have, including the bills and raising kids, then it better be someone that I respect enough to marry, that I am physically attracted to, that is responsible, and that has more patience than I. How on earth do you learn all this without dating?
I know things are done differently in other areas of the world and I respect the ways of other people, but that is my way.
I am half of a marriage and I should have a full say in whether or not they are up to my standards. I also would like to be married to someone who I would like to lay next to night after night, so the attraction part is important, too.
That is why I asked people out on dates, went on dates, eventually was married very happily twice, and am very content with my choices.
Dating doesn't mean sleeping with someone or behaving loosely with them, it means getting together with someone to find out more about them and whether or not you want to find out more. This can be done in a group, also if you are unconfortable with one on one.
Re: Don't get it...Why "Date"??
hmm i think its right to go out with a person you suppose to marry. good mature people deserve that.
i only met once my fiance before nikkah with quite efforts and in presence of her sister. its just cause I wanted to meet a person who i am getting married to. it has its own charms. its that feeling you will never feel after marriage.
I went on proper dinner a day after nikkah! only her mother and sisters knew about it.
date mean different in different countries and cultures even in west. so dont assume it invlove more than a dinner!!!! if you are then change your thinking.
one question though??? why you got engaged? and whats the purpose of engagement if you cant even try to know each other???
Re: Don’t get it…Why “Date”??
Ha i was talking to my mom about this last night actually. The girls in my family (in Pak) dont even talk to their fiances. They never see them face to face, they don’t talk on the phone or online (no computers in thier house) or anything. I told my mother there is NO WAY i can live my life like that. It doesn’t matter if I’m “American”, I ain’t marryin a total stranger. So she said she would be fine with us having contact before marriage when i get engaged. 
Re: Don’t get it…Why “Date”??
haww hayee…badi madran hain aap to 
Re: Don’t get it…Why “Date”??
[quote=“minah_pa”]
Well, I look at it this way, a marriage is the rest of your life. If you marry at 20 then that could be 50+ yrs. If I am going to spend that amount of time with someone sharing everything I have, including the bills and raising kids, then it better be someone that I respect enough to marry, that I am physically attracted to, that is responsible, and that has more patience than I. How on earth do you learn all this without dating?
Ive met hundreds of young men and women with that view, unfortunately (for them) the parents have a different set of beliefs
They feel that matches are pre-ordained by God, it is in their childs kismet to marry Mr husseins 3rd son therefore it is not necessary for the child to see the person they will eventually marry as God and the parents choice is the best, because lets face it parents are not fallible and they “know their child best”
Dating is something that other people (modern shmodern people do) and anyway why should you date when you may be seen by somebody in the biradari
However, people (from these types of family) are getting to know their partners now (secret liasons/ internet etc) which has decreased the stress experienced
One sad case I remember is when two people who were engaged decided to meet up and found that they didnt like each other at all, but couldnt tell their parents for various reasons…
(main one being that they would have to tell them about the secret meetings )got married and then eventually divorced.
Re: Don’t get it…Why “Date”??
[quote=“minah_pa”]
Well, I look at it this way, a marriage is the rest of your life. If you marry at 20 then that could be 50+ yrs. If I am going to spend that amount of time with someone sharing everything I have, including the bills and raising kids, then it better be someone that I respect enough to marry, that I am physically attracted to, that is responsible, and that has more patience than I. How on earth do you learn all this without dating?
Ive met hundreds of young men and women with that view, unfortunately (for them) the parents have a different set of beliefs
They feel that matches are pre-ordained by God, it is in their childs kismet to marry Mr husseins 3rd son therefore it is not necessary for the child to see the person they will eventually marry as God and the parents choice is the best, because lets face it parents are not fallible and they “know their child best”
Dating is something that other people (modern shmodern people do) and anyway why should you date when you may be seen by somebody in the biradari
However, people (from these types of family) are getting to know their partners now (secret liasons/ internet etc) which has decreased the stress experienced
One sad case I remember is when two people who were engaged decided to meet up and found that they didnt like each other at all, but couldnt tell their parents for various reasons…
(main one being that they would have to tell them about the secret meetings )got married and then eventually divorced.
Re: Don’t get it…Why “Date”??
[quote=“minah_pa”]
Well, I look at it this way, a marriage is the rest of your life. If you marry at 20 then that could be 50+ yrs. If I am going to spend that amount of time with someone sharing everything I have, including the bills and raising kids, then it better be someone that I respect enough to marry, that I am physically attracted to, that is responsible, and that has more patience than I. How on earth do you learn all this without dating?
Ive met hundreds of young men and women with that view, unfortunately (for them) the parents have a different set of beliefs
They feel that matches are pre-ordained by God, it is in their childs kismet to marry Mr husseins 3rd son therefore it is not necessary for the child to see the person they will eventually marry as God and the parents choice is the best, because lets face it parents are not fallible and they “know their child best”
Dating is something that other people (modern shmodern people do) and anyway why should you date when you may be seen by somebody in the biradari
However, people (from these types of family) are getting to know their partners now (secret liasons/ internet etc) which has decreased the stress experienced
One sad case I remember is when two people who were engaged decided to meet up and found that they didnt like each other at all, but couldnt tell their parents for various reasons…
(main one being that they would have to tell them about the secret meetings )got married and then eventually divorced.
Re: Don't get it...Why "Date"??
Let me clarify. What I meant by "date" was that if the guy and girl go out ALONE. Doesn't mean they have to do bad things, but generally don't have a third person with them when they go out to dinner or a movie or for hang out.
I understand that it depends on what country you grew up in and how your parents raised you. I actually live in a western country, but my parents kept me conservative which I really appreciate that they brought me up like that.
I know its a big thing to know how your partner is and if they fit well with you. But for those of you who fall in love before, generally do your parents know u like someone or do you just keep it a secret? Because I just think that once the parents get involved their are way too many problems...like oh he is this and from that area and from this zaath or blah blah. And everyone's partners are already chosen by Allah. And if your meant to be with someone you will be with them for the rest of your life no matter whether you date or not. Its about your kismat. I mean even love marriages fail. But thats just my opinion I know lots of people would differ on that.
My ristha was arranged. And I got engaged because I already knew the guy and I wanted my whole family and his whole family to know that we were going to get married soon. Because if my parents just said yes to his parents then they really wouldn't tell the rest of the family (like my siblings). And I just wanted to get to know him a little more. I am not saying I am an angel...but I am getting to know him without dating.
Re: Don't get it...Why "Date"??
:-| :-| sorry for repeat posting, probs with system!
Re: Don’t get it…Why “Date”??
haan ji hum maaaadraaarrrnnnnn hogayn.
maybe they can live happily like that, but I can’t. I know it’s all about kismat, who you’ll marry and spend ur life with, but one question i always have is, HOW DO YOU KNOW ??? How do you know ur meant to be with a certain person if you don’t know them at all?? I understand and wholeheartedly believe that Allah has made our soulmates before we were even born, but I refuse to believe that rishtedaars, rishta maasis, etc etc, will ALWAYS set you up with your “jora.” I spoke to ammi about this and she said that when we die and go to heaven (hopefully :halo: ) we will meet our soulmate there. Maybe our soulmate may be the man we married, the one that got away from us, or someone u never met on Earth, who knows? But i’ve gone off topic here…bottom line… if u think u can be happy and hunky dory marrying someone you’ve never seen or met, then by all means go ahead..but excuse me if some of us are “weak” 